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agonyaunt2022-10-06 11:54 am
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-06 11:54 am
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Dear Prudence: Dating With a Kid
Dear Prudence,
My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.
My concern is with how my daughter sees my life by comparison. After years in a quietly deteriorating marriage, I enjoy being single and dating. I’m not out looking for one-night stands, but I’m also not looking to get into a serious relationship simply for the sake of being in one. I’m also conscious about who I bring into my daughter’s life. I don’t want to get into some situation where she feels like she’s meeting Dad’s Girlfriend of the Week; so far, she has not met anybody I’ve dated.
Lately, though, my daughter has been asking questions about my life. A couple of times, she has also become upset and told me that she worries I’m lonely. Recently she asked me straight up if I have a girlfriend. I have been seeing someone, and I think it’s going well, but we haven’t been together long enough for me to want to introduce her. I don’t want to lie, so I told my daughter that I do have a girlfriend; when she asked if they were going to meet, I said that at some point when I am with someone who I’ve got to know well and think is very special, they will meet.
But she’s in middle school, she knows about dating, and she’s not easily put off by vague “Oh sure, sometime” statements. I’m really worried that I could be unwittingly making her into an emotional caretaker, more attuned to my perceived needs than her own. How can I let her know that I’m enjoying my life without telling her more about that life than she ought to know?
—Not Seeking Stepmom
Dear Not Seeking,
Having a girlfriend isn’t the only way to avoid loneliness. You should assure your daughter that you have lots of friends and hobbies or that you really enjoy time to yourself—whatever is true. It will be an important lesson: No one needs a relationship to be happy, and this is something that might come in handy for her to remember during her tumultuous teen years. Throw in an “I promise I’m OK, and also I’m an adult and it’s not your job to worry about me. It’s your job to go to middle school and have fun and enjoy being a kid.” You’ll be giving her a real gift if you redirect her from feeling responsible for your well-being.
My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.
My concern is with how my daughter sees my life by comparison. After years in a quietly deteriorating marriage, I enjoy being single and dating. I’m not out looking for one-night stands, but I’m also not looking to get into a serious relationship simply for the sake of being in one. I’m also conscious about who I bring into my daughter’s life. I don’t want to get into some situation where she feels like she’s meeting Dad’s Girlfriend of the Week; so far, she has not met anybody I’ve dated.
Lately, though, my daughter has been asking questions about my life. A couple of times, she has also become upset and told me that she worries I’m lonely. Recently she asked me straight up if I have a girlfriend. I have been seeing someone, and I think it’s going well, but we haven’t been together long enough for me to want to introduce her. I don’t want to lie, so I told my daughter that I do have a girlfriend; when she asked if they were going to meet, I said that at some point when I am with someone who I’ve got to know well and think is very special, they will meet.
But she’s in middle school, she knows about dating, and she’s not easily put off by vague “Oh sure, sometime” statements. I’m really worried that I could be unwittingly making her into an emotional caretaker, more attuned to my perceived needs than her own. How can I let her know that I’m enjoying my life without telling her more about that life than she ought to know?
—Not Seeking Stepmom
Dear Not Seeking,
Having a girlfriend isn’t the only way to avoid loneliness. You should assure your daughter that you have lots of friends and hobbies or that you really enjoy time to yourself—whatever is true. It will be an important lesson: No one needs a relationship to be happy, and this is something that might come in handy for her to remember during her tumultuous teen years. Throw in an “I promise I’m OK, and also I’m an adult and it’s not your job to worry about me. It’s your job to go to middle school and have fun and enjoy being a kid.” You’ll be giving her a real gift if you redirect her from feeling responsible for your well-being.