Care and Feeding: My Teen Just Blew Up at Me Over His “Right to Privacy.” Excuse Me?

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.

I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.

The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?

—Getting Him Back on the Right Track

Dear Right Track,

Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.

When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.

Comments

[conuly]

This letter is very similar to the one whose teen was looking at porn.

[jadelennox]

yeah but with a worse response. That letter at least called LW out on overreacting. This one sides with LW for declaring a sulky 13 year old who is refusing to do therapy for three weeks has ODD.

[minoanmiss]

That part was a bit much and should have been noted, but the misogyny deeply concerns me.

[jadelennox]

no, that makes perfect sense, I do forget how toxic the boys' internet pipeline is these days. I admit that I was parsing it as probably just a kid using too-strong rude words because one of the things kids that age are doing is figuring out the calibration of what is a little bit taboo and what is NOT OKAY, but in 2025 there's no reason to think that's all it is.

That being said, if the kid is in a Tate/incel/MRA pipeline, then the answer is deeply inadequate. The nature of the kind of misogyny and where it came from really matters in terms of how much the parent should feel like she needs to intervene.

[ethelmay]

Yeah, I could just as easily imagine LW completely overreacting to something like, "God, Mom, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!" Or even "Will you quit bitching at me?" Not saying that "bitch" isn't a misogynistic word, it totally is, but there are degrees of these things. OTOH, it may indeed have been Tate-fueled horrible stuff.

[green_grrl]

A 13 year old teenager with cigarettes who is leery of the first therapist he’s been to — obviously a second therapist won’t do and SOMETHING must be done about his clearly advanced oppositional defiance disorder. Like, what, outdoor wilderness camp? Have you ever even met a teenager?

So glad the reply at least suggested giving another therapist a try and checking SM for manosphere content.

[edenfalling]

If his "right to privacy" is conditional on behaving properly, NO SHIT he's going to think the therapist will be reporting his every word back to LW!

While Daniel's misogyny is indeed a problem, I would not be LW's child if you paid me a million dollars and I'm not surprised the kid is rebelling.

[ashbet]

Also, we’re taking her word for it — my first mental response, given the semi-hysterical tone of the rest of the letter, was that he called her a bitch and a cunt or something.

(Still inappropriate behavior, obviously, and it would deserve a consequence, but it’s very different from him being radicalized by Andrew Tate types.)

[lethe1]

Exactly.