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Inlaws and not inlaws
1. Dear Eric: In 2020, my now-wife and I were engaged. My mother is a nurse and has asthma and was deeply hit with mental and emotional stress from the pandemic. She would not attend most wedding planning events and would always be concerned with germs, wearing an N95 mask and keeping her distance.
My wife had a completely opposite reaction to the pandemic. It was more of a nuisance to her. In her eyes, there was no threat. My wife began to develop a feeling of abandonment from someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She opened up to me about how much she was hurt, and I told her it wasn't my mother's fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.
My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were sent by my wife and my mother just shut down the relationship and blocked her.mMy wedding was in October 2021. My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry about her presence.
My wife and I are still fighting occasionally about this issue, and the spats are becoming increasingly more intense. She still says extremely hurtful things about my mother often. My mother’s mindset was extreme but considering her working at a nursing home and having asthma, it’s totally understandable. That isn’t believable, according to my wife.
I am writing for guidance to understand how to solve this mess. Was I in the wrong for how I initially reacted toward my wife? I just don’t want this to destroy my marriage.
– Hurting Husband and Son
Dear Son: I’m rarely this blunt, but your wife is being unreasonable, and she needs to get over it. Setting aside any debate about public health policies during the first year of the pandemic, it’s unfair that your wife is holding a grudge against your mother for socially distancing during a time of mandated social distancing. Why is she taking the pandemic personally? Why couldn’t she form a relationship with your mother that considered your mother’s feelings?
How do you solve this? Suggest couple’s counseling to parse the issues between the two of you. A therapist can help you find new tools for communicating with each other.
At a certain point, it might be helpful to invite your mother to a session and try to restart that relationship. There’s something that your wife wanted and didn’t get from her. It’s understandable that she felt hurt, but she needs better, healthier strategies for addressing that hurt.
Link one
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2. Dear Eric: Our son and his girlfriend of 24 years got married by a judge. It was a civil ceremony necessary to get him on her health insurance.
He approached my wife and me and said, "we're not into social media.” I did not glean from this that he meant we should post nothing at all. To share the good news with my friends, I did post one photo. Late the next night he texted us to take it down, saying "we asked you directly not to do this." I replied, I'm sorry, I didn't understand that I was not to post anything at all.
I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends. Many are longtime friends from church who have known my son for decades. It seems to me a little pushy for him to forbid me to share with my friends what I feel is good news. He seems to want to downplay it.
Should I not have made the post and leaned more toward caution? Should I have interpreted "we're not into social media" differently? I welcome your advice about how to perceive this situation and where to go from here.
– Deleted Post
Dear Post: Not to split hairs, but I quibble with your son’s statement that he asked you directly not to post. He actually didn’t ask you anything and the statement could be interpreted all kinds of ways. So, your confusion is understandable.
Given that, posting, as you did, isn’t an unreasonable action. However, I’d be careful not to make too much of his request (or demand) that you take the photos down.
Yes, you are sharing with your friends, and you have a right to tell them good news, but the internet is not a closed lot and so sharing a photo on social media has a different potential impact than verbally telling a friend or even, say, including the news in a holiday card or letter.
Once a photo is uploaded, there’s no telling what life it will take on. Even if that life is innocuous, it’s fair for your son and daughter-in-law to want to have a say over what happens to images of their faces and their wedding day. You did the right thing by deleting it. Consider the whole thing water under the bridge.
Link two
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3. Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)
Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.
Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family. When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.
Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.
– Sharing Holidays
Dear Holidays: Even though Christmas hasn’t come yet, I’d suggest waiting until after the holiday to talk about this, with a focus on next year. Your middle child is perhaps still working out how to negotiate splitting holidays, as the relationship is new and every extended family has its own traditions.
Talking about the plan for next year keeps this from being a conversation about what your child or his girlfriend “did wrong.” (In quotes because nothing you’ve written indicates you feel this way, but often these conversations can end up with one or both sides feeling a mistake has been made.)
Instead approach it from a logistical point of view but don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want. “We love having you at the holidays. We also have lots of experience alternating holidays. We really appreciated you making Thanksgiving work and it was great to have you for what time you could be here. It would mean a lot to have you here for future holidays, but I want to know what your ideal is so that we can work together.”
When you both approach this as a time/travel puzzle to solve, it reduces some of the emotional tension. It’s important to remember that he isn’t choosing his girlfriend’s family over yours, that holidays don’t always have to happen on holidays and that the arrangements on all sides will continue to shift as life and circumstances change, too.
Link three
My wife had a completely opposite reaction to the pandemic. It was more of a nuisance to her. In her eyes, there was no threat. My wife began to develop a feeling of abandonment from someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She opened up to me about how much she was hurt, and I told her it wasn't my mother's fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.
My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were sent by my wife and my mother just shut down the relationship and blocked her.mMy wedding was in October 2021. My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry about her presence.
My wife and I are still fighting occasionally about this issue, and the spats are becoming increasingly more intense. She still says extremely hurtful things about my mother often. My mother’s mindset was extreme but considering her working at a nursing home and having asthma, it’s totally understandable. That isn’t believable, according to my wife.
I am writing for guidance to understand how to solve this mess. Was I in the wrong for how I initially reacted toward my wife? I just don’t want this to destroy my marriage.
– Hurting Husband and Son
Dear Son: I’m rarely this blunt, but your wife is being unreasonable, and she needs to get over it. Setting aside any debate about public health policies during the first year of the pandemic, it’s unfair that your wife is holding a grudge against your mother for socially distancing during a time of mandated social distancing. Why is she taking the pandemic personally? Why couldn’t she form a relationship with your mother that considered your mother’s feelings?
How do you solve this? Suggest couple’s counseling to parse the issues between the two of you. A therapist can help you find new tools for communicating with each other.
At a certain point, it might be helpful to invite your mother to a session and try to restart that relationship. There’s something that your wife wanted and didn’t get from her. It’s understandable that she felt hurt, but she needs better, healthier strategies for addressing that hurt.
Link one
2. Dear Eric: Our son and his girlfriend of 24 years got married by a judge. It was a civil ceremony necessary to get him on her health insurance.
He approached my wife and me and said, "we're not into social media.” I did not glean from this that he meant we should post nothing at all. To share the good news with my friends, I did post one photo. Late the next night he texted us to take it down, saying "we asked you directly not to do this." I replied, I'm sorry, I didn't understand that I was not to post anything at all.
I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends. Many are longtime friends from church who have known my son for decades. It seems to me a little pushy for him to forbid me to share with my friends what I feel is good news. He seems to want to downplay it.
Should I not have made the post and leaned more toward caution? Should I have interpreted "we're not into social media" differently? I welcome your advice about how to perceive this situation and where to go from here.
– Deleted Post
Dear Post: Not to split hairs, but I quibble with your son’s statement that he asked you directly not to post. He actually didn’t ask you anything and the statement could be interpreted all kinds of ways. So, your confusion is understandable.
Given that, posting, as you did, isn’t an unreasonable action. However, I’d be careful not to make too much of his request (or demand) that you take the photos down.
Yes, you are sharing with your friends, and you have a right to tell them good news, but the internet is not a closed lot and so sharing a photo on social media has a different potential impact than verbally telling a friend or even, say, including the news in a holiday card or letter.
Once a photo is uploaded, there’s no telling what life it will take on. Even if that life is innocuous, it’s fair for your son and daughter-in-law to want to have a say over what happens to images of their faces and their wedding day. You did the right thing by deleting it. Consider the whole thing water under the bridge.
Link two
3. Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)
Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.
Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family. When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.
Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.
– Sharing Holidays
Dear Holidays: Even though Christmas hasn’t come yet, I’d suggest waiting until after the holiday to talk about this, with a focus on next year. Your middle child is perhaps still working out how to negotiate splitting holidays, as the relationship is new and every extended family has its own traditions.
Talking about the plan for next year keeps this from being a conversation about what your child or his girlfriend “did wrong.” (In quotes because nothing you’ve written indicates you feel this way, but often these conversations can end up with one or both sides feeling a mistake has been made.)
Instead approach it from a logistical point of view but don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want. “We love having you at the holidays. We also have lots of experience alternating holidays. We really appreciated you making Thanksgiving work and it was great to have you for what time you could be here. It would mean a lot to have you here for future holidays, but I want to know what your ideal is so that we can work together.”
When you both approach this as a time/travel puzzle to solve, it reduces some of the emotional tension. It’s important to remember that he isn’t choosing his girlfriend’s family over yours, that holidays don’t always have to happen on holidays and that the arrangements on all sides will continue to shift as life and circumstances change, too.
Link three
no subject
And even if it had been extreme, you know full well that your wife is the one who is being spiteful, and for no reason. You don't want this to ruin your marriage? You're married to somebody who insists on taking things personally that really aren't any of her business at all, and who will do so even if it means hurting the people she claims to love.
This sort of attitude towards life is going to make her profoundly unhappy, but in the meantime, you need to really consider if you want to be married to somebody like this.
2. Sure, LW2, if the conversation really went exactly as reported then they should've been more clear. But now they have been clear and you're still insisting that you're the wronged party because your wishes must trump his, even though it's his life and his news and his business.
(And nobody believes this conversation really went exactly like you reported it.)
3. LW3 dances around this topic a little, but if Son is the child who lives at home with them then it's hardly surprising that he and Girlfriend have decided to go out of town to visit her family. And it's not like they didn't spend any time with LW3's family during Thanksgiving - they spent part of the vacation with them before taking a flight to her family for their celebration. Sounds like a lot of running around in order to keep everybody happy, but LW3 still finds something to complain about.
no subject
Well ...
A common cultural difference: In Hint-culture, that means "Don't post about this on social media." In Ask-culture, it's only a statement of personal custom that has nothing to do with the listener.
Re: Well ...
for a little more information as to the relevance.
no subject
If Son has asked them not to make a big deal out of something they think is good news at all, rather than just on social media, maybe they could look at how they've handled sharing good news about Son in the past, or how they've told Son their friends' kids' "good news," or even at their attitudes about marriage in general. If "he seems to want to downplay it" is more generally true than just social media, there's a reason. Maybe he feels LW2 overshares, or gloats, or is upsettingly fixated on everyone checking off certain boxes in their life. Maybe he actively doesn't like the institution of marriage at all and felt really trapped by our health insurance system when he wanted a different shape of relationship, and treating that as a joyful event is painful for him. Whatever the reason, there IS a reason, and it'll probably make their relationship better if LW makes any effort at all to understand it.
no subject
I wondered about that.
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No, LW1, your mother's mindset was not extreme, your wife's is. Your mother belongs to a high-risk group (two if you count her profession), and had every right to protect herself. Why does your wife take that as a personal insult?
My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her.
You were proud of her because she risked her health? She shouldn't have felt compelled to attend without a mask.
no subject
*Thank you!*
This this this this.
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LW2 is a stubborn ass who has forgotten life exists outside FB. I don’t do social media, so if I have news to share I text / group text it, or email it. It’s not that hard.
LW1 I want to YEET INTO THE SUN! Along with his awful wife! Why did you marry this shrew?! Do you even care about your mother at all? She worked in a NURSING HOME—you know, where patients were dropping like flies in 2020, and doctors and nurses getting infected, too. With asthma, too, and hearing the wheezing attempts of her patients to breathe? Double fear! The poor woman was probably terrified and praying during the entire ceremony without a mask. The only thing I can say is that he lacks compassion as much as his wife does, and the mother should go no contact with both of them. Eric was not blunt enough.
no subject