Dear Care & Feeding: My Son's Therapist

[minoanmiss]

My son is an 18-year-old college freshman. He’s also half-Black and is going to a predominately white private college in the northeast, which is about a two-hour drive from our house. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he wanted to seek a therapist, which is a good thing, and he finally found one who was highly recommended by many people in the area. My son called me the other day to say that he just isn’t “vibing” with her because she’s a white woman who doesn’t understand his challenges as a Black man in a sea of whiteness. I’m a white woman and I understand his challenges, so I don’t think that’s a fair reason for him to find another therapist. If she’s so highly respected in the community, she must be great, right? My husband who is Black, is on my son’s side and thinks that he should find someone else. What do you think?

—Therapist Drama

Dear Therapist Drama,

Yeah, I’m 100 percent on your husband’s side here as a Black man. I wouldn’t care if this therapist won every award under the sun, the bottom line is that your son doesn’t feel comfortable with her, and that’s what matters.

Not to mention, when it comes to therapy, nothing is more important than finding a therapist who gets you. Many years ago I had a white woman as a therapist, and I told her how uncomfortable I felt walking around my predominately-white neighborhood as the only Black man on my street. She chuckled and said, “Come on, you’re such a sweet, handsome guy with a great smile. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” And that’s when I knew I needed to find a new therapist immediately, because she clearly didn’t get me.

Think of it this way—imagine if you just delivered a baby and were suffering from postpartum depression. Now imagine discussing your depression with a male therapist who dismissed you by saying, “Come on, you have such a beautiful baby! What is there to be depressed about?!” You would probably look to find a new therapist immediately who validates your feelings and gets you, right? Also, how do you think you would feel if you told your husband that you weren’t comfortable with that male therapist and he responded by saying, “I’m a man, and I understand what you’re going through, so I don’t think the fact that he’s a man is a fair reason for you to find another therapist.” Chances are that wouldn’t go over very well with you either, and the same rule applies with your son.

Don’t get me wrong here — are there good white therapists providing amazing care to Black clients? Absolutely, and I know that to be the case from firsthand experience. However, you can’t fault your son for stating that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his problems about being a Black man in a mostly white environment with a white woman. Instead, why not help him find a therapist of color that he will feel a sense of psychological safety around? Granted, finding therapists of color in America can be challenging, but it’s way easier than it was twenty years ago thanks to the ease of video conferencing. Clinicians of Color is one of many resources available, and a quick Google search will yield many more options.

The last thing you should do is invalidate your son’s lived experiences. Trust that if he’s bringing this up as a concern, it’s for a good reason.

Comments

[purlewe]

LW. Believe your son. full stop.

[ashbet]

WOW, YOU SURE ARE WHITE, LADY!!

And finding a good fit with a therapist is CRUCIAL, so even if race/shared experience wasn’t a factor here (which is a big “if”), even if the reason were ONLY that he was not feeling good about the initial appointment/s, THAT WOULD BE SUFFICIENT REASON TO SEEK AN ALTERNATIVE.

I think he’s incredibly justified in his reaction, and a therapist of color is going to be able to better-understand some of the things he’s experiencing.

(For example, my daughter and I needed to find therapists who were qualified to deal with disability and chronic illness, because being chirpily told to “get outside and exercise” as a cure-all is PROFOUNDLY invalidating and unhelpful.)

[conuly]

Dude. DUDE. What is this "not a fair reason to find another therapist" bullshit? The only reason you need to find another therapist is "I would rather work with another therapist".

[cimorene]

Yikes. Doesn't bode well for this woman's parenting, racial awareness, or understanding of therapy.

[bikergeek]

How in the world is this white woman married to a Black man for 18+ years and not gotten this particular clue? I only have two hands to facepalm with.

[beable]

Sadly sooo common

[mommy]

Yeah. This isn't even a difficult concept.

[feldman]

It's like a blooming onion of, "well *there's* yer problem'.

[ioplokon]

therapists are often quite bad at understanding the effects of prejudice. like framing prejudicial dislike as a symptom of social anxiety. and so on.

however, the one thing is that it might be really hard to find a Black therapist in son's area, especially a Black man. I 100% think it's worth looking, esp with telehealth, but also important to be prepared for a long search (which is why his family need to be supportive & help out if able/son is comfortable with them helping).

[ysobel]

It doesn't matter how "highly respected" a therapist is -- if it's not working, it's not working! Even a perfect-on-paper therapist can be a mismatch. And when there's lived experience like race or gender or disability, that just makes it more important.

Also I bet LW doesn't "understand" as much as she thinks. </snark > She may be somewhat aware of racism due to seeing how people treat her family, but that isn't the same. I'm glad the response called that out.

[castiron]

LW, what the actual? The examples the advice columnist gives are excellent and apt.

Your son didn't say "my therapist doesn't get it because she's white"; he said "my therapist is white and doesn't get it." It's not a blanket statement on white women's abilities to put themselves in the shoes of a black man; it's that this particular therapist doesn't get it. (And if you *do* get it, then trust me, your son can tell the difference between how you and therapist respond. But right now, you sound like you don't get it.)

[jadelennox]

the absolute fair thing for LW to say to her son is "well, that sucks that she doesn't understand you. Given that in a northeast college town it's probably almost impossible to find a therapist at all, and Black or POC therapists all have waiting lists that stretch to Pluto and back, what's your interim plan? What can I do to help you find a Black therapist taking new patients? In the interim, is it worth having this conversation with your therapist? Have you asked at the Black students' resource center on campus?" &cetera &cetera.

"I’m a white woman and I understand his challenges, so I don’t think that’s a fair reason", on the other hand, sounds like a parody, even though I know people are really like this.

[azurelunatic]

I vibe with my therapist really well! Do I wish that I had someone who was more familiar with LBGTQ issues and ADHD? Also yes!!!!!!!

Shut your white mouth and listen to your actual son.

[sathari]

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

*tries to stop screaming and make a coherent comment*

Ahem. Okay. Look, if "wanting to leave is reason enough to leave" when it comes to a romantic/sexual relationship, that goes double if not more for therapists. Any reason that client and therapist don't connect is reason enough to find a new therapist. Full stop.

[julian]

AS a person-in-training for this, may I just say, "Eff you, LW, go bury your head in the dirt."

Or, more formally, LW, it's often difficult to find a therapist who one will vibe with in all the best ways. If it's not working, it's not working, and it doesn't necessarily matter *how* "highly recommended" she is. Don't dismiss his concerns.

(Mind you, some of us white ladies *are* trying to pay attention to the realities of being a Black man in a sea of whiteness, but that doesn't mean it works all the time.)

LW's son: don't drop your old therp until you can find a different one.

[katiedid717]

"Not a fair reason to look for a new therapist" is when my sister switched therapists because she was asked if she knew what she was going to do if her marriage ended in divorce (her husband was cheating on her and had moved out of the house at that time - it was a very fair question to ask). Feeling like you don't connect with a therapist is 100% a legitimate reason to change therapists.