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Care and Feeding: On Returning to the U.S.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
no subject
I really hope that what I write next here won't be misinterpreted. I was visiting one of my sisters right after the election - she has two little girls (turning 5 and 3 in the next few weeks) and I'm 7 months pregnant, expecting a boy in April. Naturally one of our conversations was about post-election concerns, and we were talking about how we both hope that our kids aren't transgender - not because of any anti-trans sentiments, but just because there are so many things about life that are hard already, and being trans is something that would make their lives harder and add an extra level of danger. We also talked about how 30 years ago we could've easily been having the same conversation about hoping our children wouldn't be gay, and how in our lifetimes we'd seen so many positive changes - maybe 30 years from now, we'll be able to laugh at this ever being a concern. But it's horrible that so many people have extra concern/worry/fear in their lives now because of this.
(I am very glad that I live in a blue state and am in a relatively safe environment compared to other parts of the country)
no subject
please make sure neither you or your sister ever say anything like that in front of the kids, or imply it, in any way. in the late 80's, my extremely not homophobic parent said to me "I would be worried if you were not straight, because it would make your life harder, and I want you to have an easy life." Basically exactly the same thing you and your sister said, exactly out of the same worry for the children's well-being. And it sent me so far back in the closet I landed on mister tumnus.
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no subject
cries
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how do you have this conversation with a twelve year old
how
how is this world real
how did we get here
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fucking.
have it.
like a surreal nightmare of a conversation the whole way through and you have to be an adult. the whole time. 0/100 do not recommend