Care & Feeding: My Niece Keeps Passing Out...

[minoanmiss]

..Her Dad Claims She’s “Doing It for Attention.”



My brother-in-law “Cyrus” is married to my husband’s sister. He’s blessed with great genes—he rarely gets sick. He believes it’s his diet and supplements, and that if other people copied his diet and lifestyle, they would also be ailment-free. Unfortunately, this means he has limited sympathy for other people’s pain. It was tough to watch him during his wife’s pregnancy and her postpartum depression afterward. We decided to limit time with them after conversations about sickness made no difference with him or his wife.

This year, their daughter Callie is in a big regional sports team with my daughter. She’s a sweet kid who works hard on the field and off. Unfortunately, the team and our kids hanging out means I’m seeing her parents in action. Callie has some type of undiagnosed menstrual issue, which means she sometimes passes out from the pain during her period. Her other symptoms around her cycle also seem concerning. As the closest responsible adult at practice, I’ve taken an unconscious Callie to the emergency room two times this season already. Her parents’ response is eye-popping; her dad argues she’s doing it for attention, or to get out of practice or school. That is not the case. She pretty much always tries to play through it and argues she can go back on the field after passing out.

With women’s health, you have to advocate if you want answers, and Cyrus had refused to sign off on or pay for any testing or diagnostics. His wife just stands there silently and doesn’t push back. Callie has asked me for help, but I don’t know what I can actually do here. More conversations with her parents? What do I say? I can’t take a 13-year-old to a gynecologist against her parents’ wishes.

—Watching a Car Crash

Dear Car Crash,

I urge you and your husband to talk to his sister without Cyrus present. Bring some resources to her about the kinds of serious conditions this pain might be symptomatic of (endometriosis comes to mind. Though of course it’s possible that it will be something else, even unrelated to her period, and will take a few specialists to diagnose.). It sounds like the big hurdle here is Cyrus, so assure your sister-in-law that he doesn’t need to be involved in the process or even know about the treatment. Only one parent needs to consent to let a third party take their child to the doctor (excluding abortion, which have different requirements by state). Offer to do all the legwork: Tell her you’ll find a doctor and take Callie to the appointments—and that you’ll keep this between Callie and her. All your sister-law will need to do is fill out some straightforward paperwork with the doctor’s office designating you as a trusted adult who is authorized to accompany Callie to medical facilities and, on her parent’s behalf, consent to treatment. Planned Parenthood might have experience with similar situations and would be a good spot to consider for this kind of exam.

If she’s against this plan, is there a dude in your life who Cyrus might listen to? I get the feeling he doesn’t put much stake in women’s opinions, and if sending a man in to be your mole works, so be it. Whoever you send in can follow a similar approach as the one I outline above. If all else fails and Callie’s parents continue refusing to get her care, as a very last resort you can consider calling child protective services (CPS) on Callie’s behalf and file a report—if a parent repeatedly fails to provide medical care for their child, that may very well fall under what the agency considers “medical neglect.” The state may intervene on Callie’s behalf and require her parents to get her the help she needs. Involving CPS is a challenging thing, though, so do not take that decision lightly.

While you work behind the scenes to get Callie’s family on board, keep reassuring her that you do believe her and are there for her to talk through how she’s feeling. Reaching a diagnosis can take time. In the meantime, countering the messages she’s receiving at home can do her a world of good.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

After multiple ER visits and no action from the parents, LW would be completely justified if they wanted to skip to the CPS step. They should also have a conversation with Husband now about whether their household has the resources to take Callie in or not, if it comes to that.

[melannen]

LW if this is happening at practice get the coach on side! I am side-eyeing the coach already that they have a player who has had to go to the emergency room during practice for the same issue multiple times and isn't already pressuring the parents hard to do something about it, but I bet you a nickel that Cyrus is the kind of guy who would listen to a coach saying "You need to get her some kind of treatment for this or she might not be able to keep playing". (If the coach agrees with Cyrus then at least take *your* kid off the team...)

[topaz_eyes]

I bet you a nickel that Cyrus is the kind of guy who would listen to a coach

If the coach is female I doubt Cyrus is the kind of guy to listen to her. And if the coach is male, as you say he might even think the same as Cyrus.

[melannen]

He might even listen to a female coach, if she couches it as a threat to daughter's ability to play, or as something that needs done for red tape rather than because she's actually in need of care. (That's riskier though, because the other option he pulls his daughter out of play entirely.)

But the coach should already be worried about this and looking for allies, and if they're not LW needs to be worried about their kid working with this coach, because what injuries might they be getting pressured to play through?

[julian]

I'm normally more articulate, but: WTFFF.

[lilysea]

This would be bad enough if the issue was one that most doctors take seriously, like asthma,

but endometriosis, despite being an issue that can end up with endometrial tissue in your LUNGS and other parts of your body where it doesn't belong, causing serious problems

is one that far too many doctors underdiagnos and/or shrug off.

Even with dedicated, supportive parents, it can take 11 years to get adequate treatment for endometriosis.

With dismissive parents? Kid has no hope unless someone else takes her side

(of course, it might not be endometriosis - but whatever it is, it needs proper medical attention now)

[ashbet]

I have so much sympathy for this poor kid – I had terrible endometriosis that didn’t get diagnosed until I was pregnant, but I had been having severe pain and fainting-level bleeding throughout high school, and my parents never took me to get checked out.

[lilysea]

Yes, I don't have endometriosis,

but when I was at high school I was missing classes due to periods that were too painful for me to sit up in a chair

and my parents never got me checked out by a specialist or even bought me over the counter pain medication for periods.

(The GP put me on oral contraceptives at age 13 to see if that helped the pain, that was it.)

Years later at age ***30***, I found out by chance (I was getting a tubal ligation while I had my period) that I had retrograde menstruation eg my menstrual blood was flowing up my fallopian tubes, and this was what caused the agony.

[full_metal_ox]

Years later at age ***30***, I found out by chance (I was getting a tubal ligation while I had my period) that I had retrograde menstruation eg my menstrual blood was flowing up my fallopian tubes, and this was what caused the agony.

This is the first I’d ever heard of that condition, and…YEEP.

[ethelmay]

I just looked it up and apparently it happens to some slight degree in most cases. Yow. I had no idea.

[topaz_eyes]

If all else fails and Callie’s parents continue refusing to get her care, as a very last resort you can consider calling child protective services (CPS) on Callie’s behalf and file a report

Since Cyrus won't get Callie necessary medical help, and Callie's mom won't either (or possibly can't), LW maybe could advise Callie to seek advice from a trusted teacher? IIRC they are mandatory child abuse/neglect reporters in most US states, they could notify CPS--because I'm frankly worried about Cyrus's response towards LW if he finds out who called them. I'm frankly surprised and disgusted that the coach apparently hasn't already stepped in.

[dissectionist]

I genuinely hope that if they get the capacity to take Callie for medical assistance, they do the legwork first to find a gynecologist who specializes in endo and knows what to look for. Far too many gynecologists are quick to write off endo or other issues unless they can see them with their own eyes, and it’s going to hurt Callie’s case and this aunt’s credibility if she takes Callie to a doctor and that doctor goes, “Nah, she’s fine, I don’t see anything.”

[melannen]

The other risk here is that if LW does get Callie to a doctor, there's a reasonable chance the first step will be a "birth control" prescription to control symptoms, and Cyrus seems like the kind of person to go nuclear at that one.

[full_metal_ox]

With some people a useful angle of persuasion might be to lean into Callie’s future CHILDBEARING!!! capacity…but even that’s likely to be wasted on a dad who’s been dismissive toward his wife’s pregnancy distresses.

[pauraque]

I don't suppose it's occurred to the father that even if she were "doing it for attention, or to get out of practice or school" that would be a major concern in and of itself. What does he think it is about school or practice that's causing her such distress that she would resort to faking serious illness? Why does he think she feels that's her only recourse to get his attention, rather than just talking to him?

To be clear, I think he should take her to the doctor. But I also think he (and everyone else in the world) should realize that "she's doing it for attention" doesn't mean what he thinks it does. It's a theory that's far more damning of his level of responsibility as a father than it is of her behavior as a daughter.

[harpers_child]

Petition to fire Cyrus into the sun?

[lethe1]

I'll sign.

[purlewe]

Co-signed

[castiron]

Signed in Sharpie.

[conuly]

Child services isn't likely to do much at this age, but they're the people to call.

[mrissa]

I think one of the things that made this hurt most is that I feel like you meet so many adults who have basically this story, "I had xyz extreme symptom and my parents ignored it and wouldn't let other adults help me and then I found out as an adult that it was abc thing that could be treated or fixed and make my life immensely better OR COULD HAVE BEEN if they'd caught it at that age." We want it to be a rare story. It's not. It's just one we still don't have good tools for fixing.

[mildred_of_midgard]

Yeah, I just got told by my mother that because her menstrual cramps were tolerable, so were mine, full stop. Even when I was a young adult, she was pressuring me out of seeking treatment, until I finally snapped after throwing up from the pain and went to see a doctor.

I was glad that I became estranged from her before having my uterus out: she had *opinions* about quality-of-life surgery and medications. She only accepted life-saving treatment as valid.

Ugh.