Dear Prudence: Dating With a Kid

[ermingarden]

Dear Prudence,

My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.

My concern is with how my daughter sees my life by comparison. After years in a quietly deteriorating marriage, I enjoy being single and dating. I’m not out looking for one-night stands, but I’m also not looking to get into a serious relationship simply for the sake of being in one. I’m also conscious about who I bring into my daughter’s life. I don’t want to get into some situation where she feels like she’s meeting Dad’s Girlfriend of the Week; so far, she has not met anybody I’ve dated.

Lately, though, my daughter has been asking questions about my life. A couple of times, she has also become upset and told me that she worries I’m lonely. Recently she asked me straight up if I have a girlfriend. I have been seeing someone, and I think it’s going well, but we haven’t been together long enough for me to want to introduce her. I don’t want to lie, so I told my daughter that I do have a girlfriend; when she asked if they were going to meet, I said that at some point when I am with someone who I’ve got to know well and think is very special, they will meet.

But she’s in middle school, she knows about dating, and she’s not easily put off by vague “Oh sure, sometime” statements. I’m really worried that I could be unwittingly making her into an emotional caretaker, more attuned to my perceived needs than her own. How can I let her know that I’m enjoying my life without telling her more about that life than she ought to know?

—Not Seeking Stepmom

Dear Not Seeking,

Having a girlfriend isn’t the only way to avoid loneliness. You should assure your daughter that you have lots of friends and hobbies or that you really enjoy time to yourself—whatever is true. It will be an important lesson: No one needs a relationship to be happy, and this is something that might come in handy for her to remember during her tumultuous teen years. Throw in an “I promise I’m OK, and also I’m an adult and it’s not your job to worry about me. It’s your job to go to middle school and have fun and enjoy being a kid.” You’ll be giving her a real gift if you redirect her from feeling responsible for your well-being.

Comments

[ermingarden]

I'm not a parent, but I am a child of divorced parents. It seems to me like LW is extrapolating a little too much from "don't introduce your kids to short-term partners." Especially since Daughter is in middle school, I think it would be totally fine for LW to talk more openly about the fact that he's dating!

I also think that if Daughter tells LW she wants to meet his girlfriend, even understanding that the relationship isn't extremely serious, and the girlfriend is willing, LW should consider introducing them. As long as Girlfriend isn't being introduced as a quasi-parental figure or family member, I think Daughter is old enough that if she asks to meet Girlfriend (although it's unclear if she's asked at this point), it should be fine. It strikes me as very normal for Daughter to be curious about the people LW is dating – I certainly was at that age! I can only speak from my own experience, but middle school is around when my dad started introducing me to his girlfriends, and I didn't have any problems when he broke up with them. Meeting someone once or twice is very different from having them take on a familial role.

[conuly]

I’m really worried that I could be unwittingly making her into an emotional caretaker, more attuned to my perceived needs than her own.

Just the fact that LW is worried about this already puts him head and shoulders above the sort of parents who do that.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

*sends hugs to him and his daughter*

[melannen]

LW, if you did a good job raising your kid and she wants you to be happy, there will come a time in your life where it is normal and healthy that she transitions to worrying about you as much as you worry about her (it's called "getting older".) At middle school age of course you should still be doing most of the worrying, but "Dad, I'm worried that you're lonely" is a normal level of caring about you from somebody who's almost a teenager and is starting to think about things like that more - is probably on the verge of realizing that grown-up are also people.

(If you've been hiding all evidence that you have friends or a life outside of her since the divorce, it's a reasonable worry, too. Let her meet some of your friends - even if they're not ones you're dating!)

[azurelunatic]

I'm going to bet that seeing her mom find happiness with someone is part of what's driving the question. So telling her about the dating, and giving updates like "too soon to tell if it's going to turn serious but we had fun" sounds like exactly the kind of reassurance to give.