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minoanmisscontents include coercion, sex work, misuse of sociopolitics, and a LW I wish I could bail out. ( Read more... )
Carolyn Hax: more shower stuff
Jun. 15th, 2022 11:05 amceretaHi, Carolyn:
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
lemonsharksDEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently living with my mother. Not wanting to freeload, I suggested that she charge me rent. She seemed surprised, and said she’d get back to me.
Later, she appeared in a rather formal outfit and said she was now my landlady. She spelled out my rental rate and terms; it was higher than I had planned on, but she conveyed such an air of authority that I didn’t argue.
( spoiler: it gets worse )
Later, she appeared in a rather formal outfit and said she was now my landlady. She spelled out my rental rate and terms; it was higher than I had planned on, but she conveyed such an air of authority that I didn’t argue.
( spoiler: it gets worse )
lemonsharksDEAR ABBY: My husband and I argue about returning gifts his parents give us. They are well-off and buy excessively for their grandkids throughout the year, especially at holidays. They also buy multiple gifts for my husband and me. We are drowning in too much stuff and constantly battling clutter in our home.
None of these gifts are from our family’s wish lists, nor are they particularly thoughtful. In years past, I have asked my mother-in-law to limit her purchases to three gifts — one toy, one outfit, one book — with no success. I also have pleaded with her to stop buying me small knickknacks, and have suggested more experience-based gifts. Still, year after year, we come home with a bunch of stuff we neither need nor want.
How can I get my in-laws to respect our wishes? To make matters worse, my husband becomes defensive of his parents when I get frustrated, even though he fundamentally agrees with me. How do I help his parents understand that what they are really giving us is a fight? And, if none of them care about my wishes, how do I get past feeling disrespected and disregarded? — BURIED IN STUFF
DEAR BURIED: By now you should have realized that your mother-in-law, “Lady Bountiful,” isn’t going to change. You will spend less time being frustrated if you let go of your resentment about her spending sprees. My heartfelt advice to you is to develop a sense of humor where she’s concerned. If you can’t use her gifts, donate, regift or sell them.
None of these gifts are from our family’s wish lists, nor are they particularly thoughtful. In years past, I have asked my mother-in-law to limit her purchases to three gifts — one toy, one outfit, one book — with no success. I also have pleaded with her to stop buying me small knickknacks, and have suggested more experience-based gifts. Still, year after year, we come home with a bunch of stuff we neither need nor want.
How can I get my in-laws to respect our wishes? To make matters worse, my husband becomes defensive of his parents when I get frustrated, even though he fundamentally agrees with me. How do I help his parents understand that what they are really giving us is a fight? And, if none of them care about my wishes, how do I get past feeling disrespected and disregarded? — BURIED IN STUFF
DEAR BURIED: By now you should have realized that your mother-in-law, “Lady Bountiful,” isn’t going to change. You will spend less time being frustrated if you let go of your resentment about her spending sprees. My heartfelt advice to you is to develop a sense of humor where she’s concerned. If you can’t use her gifts, donate, regift or sell them.
Ask Amy: this calls for fake dating
Jan. 8th, 2022 09:12 amlemonsharksAsk Amy: Happily single woman dreading wedding where family will try to set her up
Dear Amy: I am a (usually content) single 30-year-old woman.
My mother is getting married in two months.
She has already tried to set me up with her fiancee’s nephew (um, no), as well as a former employee (good guy but not for me).
Now her fiancé has decided that the wedding is the perfect time to introduce me to all his single co-workers (no, just no).
Add in all the well-meaning aunties asking me when I’m going to find a “nice man and settle down.”
I’ve started to dread this day.
My solution? Take my own date.
There will be no awkward set-ups if I already have a date. I’ll still have to field inappropriate questions from the aunties, but at least I wouldn’t have to face them alone.
Four months ago, I signed up for a dating app and have since been reminded why I’m happily single.
With the wedding only two months away, do I admit defeat and go solo?
I also feel that this wedding is not the best time for any prospective match to “meet the parents.”
Your ideas?
– Destined to be Dateless
Dear Dateless: I have a dim memory of seeing this basic plot in a Debra Messing movie … what was it called? Oh yes – (checks Wikipedia) – the “Wedding Date”. Debra Messing’s character hires a male escort to be her wedding date.
Hilarity ensues. Love blooms.
The obvious solution – at least to me – is for you to bring a (male or female) friend as your date, with the expressed intent that this person should serve as your wing-person. Their role would be to ward off random singletons, and if necessary, to use a serving platter from the buffet table as a shield to protect you from nosey aunties.
No matter what – keep a sense of humor about this annoyance. Having people try to set you up may make you feel as if you are somehow inadequate as you are (you’re not), but the intent is usually benign: People who equate happiness with being coupled-up think you’re wonderful.
Your problem contains the foundation for a pretty solid romantic comedy, so after the wedding is over, you might want to write it up.
Dear Amy: I am a (usually content) single 30-year-old woman.
My mother is getting married in two months.
She has already tried to set me up with her fiancee’s nephew (um, no), as well as a former employee (good guy but not for me).
Now her fiancé has decided that the wedding is the perfect time to introduce me to all his single co-workers (no, just no).
Add in all the well-meaning aunties asking me when I’m going to find a “nice man and settle down.”
I’ve started to dread this day.
My solution? Take my own date.
There will be no awkward set-ups if I already have a date. I’ll still have to field inappropriate questions from the aunties, but at least I wouldn’t have to face them alone.
Four months ago, I signed up for a dating app and have since been reminded why I’m happily single.
With the wedding only two months away, do I admit defeat and go solo?
I also feel that this wedding is not the best time for any prospective match to “meet the parents.”
Your ideas?
– Destined to be Dateless
Dear Dateless: I have a dim memory of seeing this basic plot in a Debra Messing movie … what was it called? Oh yes – (checks Wikipedia) – the “Wedding Date”. Debra Messing’s character hires a male escort to be her wedding date.
Hilarity ensues. Love blooms.
The obvious solution – at least to me – is for you to bring a (male or female) friend as your date, with the expressed intent that this person should serve as your wing-person. Their role would be to ward off random singletons, and if necessary, to use a serving platter from the buffet table as a shield to protect you from nosey aunties.
No matter what – keep a sense of humor about this annoyance. Having people try to set you up may make you feel as if you are somehow inadequate as you are (you’re not), but the intent is usually benign: People who equate happiness with being coupled-up think you’re wonderful.
Your problem contains the foundation for a pretty solid romantic comedy, so after the wedding is over, you might want to write it up.
ceretaDear Prudence,
I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.
—Too Sensitive for This
Dear Too Sensitive,
Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And even if you were, healthy, kind family members take note when someone is “too” sensitive and try not to hurt them. This isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, and it comes naturally to those who care about how they make loved ones feel.
Assuming you don’t want to limit your contact with your parents, I suggest identifying a few topics that are truly off limits for jokes and teasing for you, and letting them know in writing (a text message or DM or email) at a moment when you’re not together and you’re not feeling emotional. “Hi Mom and Dad. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel when you tease me or insult me as a joke, and while I understand that you don’t mean any harm by it, I want to ask you to refrain from joking about my weight, my health issues, or my relationships [or whatever the most sensitive issues are]. If you can do this, I’ll be able to enjoy our time together a lot more.” Then give them a chance, and if they slip up, give them a warning or just feel free to get up and leave without any guilt. It’s not you, it’s them.
I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.
—Too Sensitive for This
Dear Too Sensitive,
Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And even if you were, healthy, kind family members take note when someone is “too” sensitive and try not to hurt them. This isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, and it comes naturally to those who care about how they make loved ones feel.
Assuming you don’t want to limit your contact with your parents, I suggest identifying a few topics that are truly off limits for jokes and teasing for you, and letting them know in writing (a text message or DM or email) at a moment when you’re not together and you’re not feeling emotional. “Hi Mom and Dad. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel when you tease me or insult me as a joke, and while I understand that you don’t mean any harm by it, I want to ask you to refrain from joking about my weight, my health issues, or my relationships [or whatever the most sensitive issues are]. If you can do this, I’ll be able to enjoy our time together a lot more.” Then give them a chance, and if they slip up, give them a warning or just feel free to get up and leave without any guilt. It’s not you, it’s them.
movingfingerDear Amy: My daughter said she got the wedding of her dreams.
Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.
It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.
However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.( Read more... )
Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.
It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.
However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: this one is a doozy.
Nov. 12th, 2021 11:37 amminoanmissThe actual title is "Help! My Daughter-in-Law Makes Fun of My “White Woman Tears.” But She Doesn’t Know My History." Content advisory: sexual assault, race issues.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law (age 75) apparently doesn't like kids. He and my sister are childless. He just told my husband that what he doesn't like about our family gatherings is the attention everyone shows my two granddaughters. (They are 7 and 8.) At a recent gathering, he actually threw down game pieces and stomped off when they approached. Should I sever contact with my sister and him? I know if I tell my son about this, my son will cut ties with them. What parent forces their children on anyone who doesn't like them? Your advice might help. -- FAMILY GAL IN ALABAMA
DEAR FAMILY GAL: Not everyone relates well to kids. That said, your brother-in-law's behavior was appalling. Have a private talk with your sister. Could he be entering a second childhood? Knowing how he feels about children, if you wish to see him and your sister, consider socializing with them separately. If other family members with children invite them to anything other than an adults-only gathering, Sissy and her hubby should politely offer their regrets.
DEAR FAMILY GAL: Not everyone relates well to kids. That said, your brother-in-law's behavior was appalling. Have a private talk with your sister. Could he be entering a second childhood? Knowing how he feels about children, if you wish to see him and your sister, consider socializing with them separately. If other family members with children invite them to anything other than an adults-only gathering, Sissy and her hubby should politely offer their regrets.
lemonsharksDear Amy: My 27-year-old grandson, who is getting married, called me up screaming at the top of his lungs saying I was a Republican and Nazi, that I am dead to him and to “F-off” — all because his grandfather (my husband) asked our daughter (his mother) if they got vaccinated.
This was a concern because we are flying across the country and I am supposed to officiate his wedding. Plus, his grandpa is very concerned for them. He told me he wasn’t putting poison in his blood for our peace of mind.
What the Hell am I supposed to do?
I tried calming him down to explain, but his rage was beyond any reasoning.
As of now we will still be going, but not attending the wedding.
My daughter acts like this is normal behavior and he’ll come around.
I don’t know if I will.
– Grandma H
Dear Grandma: Who talks like this? Who talks like this to his own grandmother?
If I were you, I wouldn’t wait for him to “come around.” Everything else aside, his rage does not make him a safe person to be around. Rebook your trip to a more pleasant destination.
This was a concern because we are flying across the country and I am supposed to officiate his wedding. Plus, his grandpa is very concerned for them. He told me he wasn’t putting poison in his blood for our peace of mind.
What the Hell am I supposed to do?
I tried calming him down to explain, but his rage was beyond any reasoning.
As of now we will still be going, but not attending the wedding.
My daughter acts like this is normal behavior and he’ll come around.
I don’t know if I will.
– Grandma H
Dear Grandma: Who talks like this? Who talks like this to his own grandmother?
If I were you, I wouldn’t wait for him to “come around.” Everything else aside, his rage does not make him a safe person to be around. Rebook your trip to a more pleasant destination.
lemonsharksAugust 1, 2021 at 12:13 a.m.
Categories:Advice, Uncategorized
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is getting married. Due to COVID restrictions, she had to cut back her guest list after sending “save the dates.” She wrote nice letters to those who were now uninvited, explaining the situation and how devastated she was. Well, one of my two sisters received a letter, and my family is falling apart over it.
My daughter and her fiance chose to keep the people they were closest to and who are a part of their close church family. My sister did not meet that criteria. However, my daughter is extremely close to sister No. 2, who was invited.
I am helping to pay for the wedding, but because the situation has become so stressful for my daughter, I have chosen not to push the issue. I’m losing sleep and what’s left of my relationship with my excluded sister over this. My mom is also devastated. The sister who was invited says I need to fix this. The shunned sister says she wouldn’t come even if she was given a pity invite. I’m sick about this. How do I move forward? — NAUSEOUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR NAUSEOUS: Regrettable as it is, what’s done is done. Your shunned sister says she wouldn’t attend your daughter’s wedding if she were invited at this late date. Your daughter and her fiance issued those invitations without your input, and now they will suffer the consequences.
Move forward by apologizing to your sister for your daughter’s unfortunate “mistake” and assuring her that your relationship with her is unchanged. If your sister is the only person in your family who wasn’t on the guest list, she has a right to her hurt feelings and, frankly, I sympathize with her. But this should not create a permanent rift in your entire family.
Categories:Advice, Uncategorized
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is getting married. Due to COVID restrictions, she had to cut back her guest list after sending “save the dates.” She wrote nice letters to those who were now uninvited, explaining the situation and how devastated she was. Well, one of my two sisters received a letter, and my family is falling apart over it.
My daughter and her fiance chose to keep the people they were closest to and who are a part of their close church family. My sister did not meet that criteria. However, my daughter is extremely close to sister No. 2, who was invited.
I am helping to pay for the wedding, but because the situation has become so stressful for my daughter, I have chosen not to push the issue. I’m losing sleep and what’s left of my relationship with my excluded sister over this. My mom is also devastated. The sister who was invited says I need to fix this. The shunned sister says she wouldn’t come even if she was given a pity invite. I’m sick about this. How do I move forward? — NAUSEOUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR NAUSEOUS: Regrettable as it is, what’s done is done. Your shunned sister says she wouldn’t attend your daughter’s wedding if she were invited at this late date. Your daughter and her fiance issued those invitations without your input, and now they will suffer the consequences.
Move forward by apologizing to your sister for your daughter’s unfortunate “mistake” and assuring her that your relationship with her is unchanged. If your sister is the only person in your family who wasn’t on the guest list, she has a right to her hurt feelings and, frankly, I sympathize with her. But this should not create a permanent rift in your entire family.
(no subject)
Jul. 26th, 2021 03:06 pmconulyDear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.
I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken
( Read more... )
I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken
( Read more... )
Dear Abby: sister "got religion"
Jul. 23rd, 2021 05:58 pmlemonsharksDEAR ABBY: I have a much older sister who has become very religious. Most of her life decisions are based on her faith, so conversations tend to develop into faith-oriented topics and justifications. I don’t initiate these conversations, and I make a genuine effort to understand her perspective. When I am not able to, I have mastered the “smile and nod.”
My problem is, anytime I bring a friend or date to a family function, she drags them off to the side and begins to question and discuss the importance of faith. Since religion is a widely varied and highly sensitive topic, this can sometimes be uncomfortable. I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship? — YOUNGER BROTHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER: If part of your sister’s religion is advancing it or converting others to her faith, you won’t be able to convince her to stop. I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious. Because you can’t control what she says or does, you may have to stop bringing friends or dates to family functions where you know she’ll be present. Otherwise, warn them in advance so they can either avoid being cornered or get away from her.
My problem is, anytime I bring a friend or date to a family function, she drags them off to the side and begins to question and discuss the importance of faith. Since religion is a widely varied and highly sensitive topic, this can sometimes be uncomfortable. I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship? — YOUNGER BROTHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER: If part of your sister’s religion is advancing it or converting others to her faith, you won’t be able to convince her to stop. I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious. Because you can’t control what she says or does, you may have to stop bringing friends or dates to family functions where you know she’ll be present. Otherwise, warn them in advance so they can either avoid being cornered or get away from her.
Thermostat wars
Jul. 10th, 2021 11:43 amlemonsharks_Dear Amy: My partner and I are two middle-age men that met each other later in life.
One of us (me) loves air conditioning, especially since most of the places I’ve lived in my life lacked it. My partner doesn’t like air conditioning, and only uses it when it’s blistering hot outside.
When I moved into his house, I paid for the installation of central air conditioning. He paid for the solar panels on the roof, which more than covers the electricity we use.
But we seem to fight constantly over the thermostat setting. He’s cold when I set it to my preferred temperature, I’m hot when he sets it to his.
I say it’s easier for him to throw on a flannel shirt and a pair of sweatpants than it is for me to suffer the indignity of walking around the house in my underwear.
It seems a bit petty to complain about it, since otherwise we are very compatible, but we can’t seem to find a happy place in this conflict.
Can you think of an equitable way to solve this problem?
– Sweating in San Diego_
Dear Sweating: People who heat their homes during the winter tend to keep their indoor temperature between 68 and 72 degrees (unless you are my sister, who tells all visitors to her Maine home to keep on their down jackets).
However, if you set your air conditioner at a wintertime comfy 68 to ,70 degrees, you’d be quite cold because air conditioners shoot out streams of freezing air (setting it below 70 could actually cause your AC system to freeze).
The U.S. Department of Energy recommends setting your AC thermostat at 78 degrees, although somewhere between 74 and 78 might be best for you. You can decrease humidity by using a dehumidifier and use ceiling fans to circulate that chilled air.
One of us (me) loves air conditioning, especially since most of the places I’ve lived in my life lacked it. My partner doesn’t like air conditioning, and only uses it when it’s blistering hot outside.
When I moved into his house, I paid for the installation of central air conditioning. He paid for the solar panels on the roof, which more than covers the electricity we use.
But we seem to fight constantly over the thermostat setting. He’s cold when I set it to my preferred temperature, I’m hot when he sets it to his.
I say it’s easier for him to throw on a flannel shirt and a pair of sweatpants than it is for me to suffer the indignity of walking around the house in my underwear.
It seems a bit petty to complain about it, since otherwise we are very compatible, but we can’t seem to find a happy place in this conflict.
Can you think of an equitable way to solve this problem?
– Sweating in San Diego_
Dear Sweating: People who heat their homes during the winter tend to keep their indoor temperature between 68 and 72 degrees (unless you are my sister, who tells all visitors to her Maine home to keep on their down jackets).
However, if you set your air conditioner at a wintertime comfy 68 to ,70 degrees, you’d be quite cold because air conditioners shoot out streams of freezing air (setting it below 70 could actually cause your AC system to freeze).
The U.S. Department of Energy recommends setting your AC thermostat at 78 degrees, although somewhere between 74 and 78 might be best for you. You can decrease humidity by using a dehumidifier and use ceiling fans to circulate that chilled air.
(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2021 05:45 amconulyQ. Stuck in the middle: My father has always been a smart aleck who loves practical jokes and discreetly needling people. My husband has been one of his favorite targets for stupid pranks and comments about his choice in clothing, hairstyle, shoes, or whatever else stands out. For many years, I’ve warned my father that my husband disliked him and that his behavior was causing real animus.
It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.
I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?
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It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.
I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?
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lemonsharksDEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. My beloved mother-in-law passed away two years ago. She had always been my “buffer” against the rest of my husband’s family — two brothers and their families and his stepfather, none of whom care for me. When we would visit from out of state, I could be sure that, by my MIL’s side, I would be comfortable and loved, while my husband hung out with his brothers and nieces.
After she passed, some things happened that hurt me, and I must now decide whether to accompany my husband when he goes to visit. I know if I do, I’ll be left alone and isolated on a couch while the rest of them socialize elsewhere, and I dread the thought. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how much I am fearing this. Please advise. -- MISSING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MISSING: Unless your husband is an ostrich with his head in the ground, surely he must have noticed how his siblings and their families have treated you for the last 40 years. If it has escaped him, give him chapter and verse! No law says you “must” accompany him on these visits, and frankly, I see no reason why you shouldn’t plan some pleasant activities for yourself in his absence. Try it. You may find you like it.
After she passed, some things happened that hurt me, and I must now decide whether to accompany my husband when he goes to visit. I know if I do, I’ll be left alone and isolated on a couch while the rest of them socialize elsewhere, and I dread the thought. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how much I am fearing this. Please advise. -- MISSING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MISSING: Unless your husband is an ostrich with his head in the ground, surely he must have noticed how his siblings and their families have treated you for the last 40 years. If it has escaped him, give him chapter and verse! No law says you “must” accompany him on these visits, and frankly, I see no reason why you shouldn’t plan some pleasant activities for yourself in his absence. Try it. You may find you like it.
(no subject)
Jun. 14th, 2021 04:52 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
My sister and I have recently been arguing a lot. We are relatively close but are at different stages of life. I am married with four small kids and a husband, and she is recently divorced (after five years) without children. Now she’s dating again and tells me she’s not interested in having babies (husband or no). That’s fine and I want to support her, but here’s my dilemma. She is clinically depressed. She’s seeing a therapist and is taking medication but will text me things like “I have no joy in my life—what can I do to find some?” I’m not living a perfect life by any means (I recently underwent cancer treatment during a pregnancy while in a pandemic among other things) but I can say I’m pretty content, so I try to offer advice (she did ask, after all) and since my kids tend to bring me the most joy, I naturally have suggested that maybe being a mother would make her happy.
I understand that kids are not everyone’s cup of tea, but she’s not finding happiness in her job, her hobbies, her casual relationships, her friendships, or even her church group. Still, when I mention that babies bring joy, she blows up in anger. She went through a tough year of fertility treatments when she was still married and is convinced that that was enough trying for kids for her. So I’m at a loss as to what to say to help or comfort her at this point. I don’t want to be trite and say, “You’ll find something eventually” but I also don’t have the skills, knowledge, or, frankly, time to try to help her find her bliss. How can I be a supportive sister during her depression without spiraling down a dark hole with her? It feels like all I do is make her mad, which is frustrating. I don’t know what answer she’s looking for, but all of mine are wrong.
—No Answer in Newtown
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My sister and I have recently been arguing a lot. We are relatively close but are at different stages of life. I am married with four small kids and a husband, and she is recently divorced (after five years) without children. Now she’s dating again and tells me she’s not interested in having babies (husband or no). That’s fine and I want to support her, but here’s my dilemma. She is clinically depressed. She’s seeing a therapist and is taking medication but will text me things like “I have no joy in my life—what can I do to find some?” I’m not living a perfect life by any means (I recently underwent cancer treatment during a pregnancy while in a pandemic among other things) but I can say I’m pretty content, so I try to offer advice (she did ask, after all) and since my kids tend to bring me the most joy, I naturally have suggested that maybe being a mother would make her happy.
I understand that kids are not everyone’s cup of tea, but she’s not finding happiness in her job, her hobbies, her casual relationships, her friendships, or even her church group. Still, when I mention that babies bring joy, she blows up in anger. She went through a tough year of fertility treatments when she was still married and is convinced that that was enough trying for kids for her. So I’m at a loss as to what to say to help or comfort her at this point. I don’t want to be trite and say, “You’ll find something eventually” but I also don’t have the skills, knowledge, or, frankly, time to try to help her find her bliss. How can I be a supportive sister during her depression without spiraling down a dark hole with her? It feels like all I do is make her mad, which is frustrating. I don’t know what answer she’s looking for, but all of mine are wrong.
—No Answer in Newtown
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lemonsharks His own family isn’t very religious, so man resents his in-laws’ prayers for him and questions about his relationship with God.
DEAR ABBY: I am having trouble dealing with my wife’s extended family, who are mostly evangelicals. My family isn’t overly religious and some are atheists. Her family doesn’t think twice about asking me if I have a relationship with God, and have even declared that they are praying for me and my children. I chafe at these comments because I feel they do not respect our religious beliefs, as I do theirs.
DEAR ABBY: I am having trouble dealing with my wife’s extended family, who are mostly evangelicals. My family isn’t overly religious and some are atheists. Her family doesn’t think twice about asking me if I have a relationship with God, and have even declared that they are praying for me and my children. I chafe at these comments because I feel they do not respect our religious beliefs, as I do theirs.
This has been going on for all of the 40 years we’ve been married, and I’m ready to disassociate from them altogether. I do not want to be negative about their beliefs, but I should be entitled to mutual respect. Can you help, please? — LOSING PATIENCE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOSING: I can try. One of the tenets of the faith of evangelicals is evangelizing — in other words, spreading the word about their beliefs. They feel that by doing this they are following their religion. When you are asked whether you have a relationship with God, your response should be that your relationship with God is as close as you need it to be, thank you — and please do not ask again.
When they tell you they are praying for you and your children, say thank you again. A little prayer on our behalf hurts no one, and may make them feel better about their own lives. Limit your exposure if you must, but shunning your in-laws isn’t the answer if your wife wants to maintain a relationship with them.
lemonsharksDear Amy: My wife and I married a little later in life and only had one child, a daughter.
Our wish for a grandchild came true when our daughter had a baby boy a little over a year ago.
We are very excited and love spending as much time with him as we can, and fortunately for us, we see him often.
They will also occasionally ask us to babysit, and we always say yes.
I’m good with that. However, over the past six to nine months, my wife has become increasingly irritated when she doesn’t see our grandson as much as she would like.
She wants pictures/videos of him sent to her on a daily basis. She wants to go to their house two to three times a week (unannounced), and then wants them to come to our house at least once during the week and at least once on the weekends.
I tried to explain that they have their own lives to lead, but she says I obviously don’t understand or love our grandson the way she does.
I know she is hurting, but I’m not sure how to make her understand that this baby isn’t our son and that the kids aren’t trying to withhold him from us. They just want to live their lives and raise their son the same way we were allowed to raise our daughter.
What do you make of this?
Proud Grampa
( oh my hot diggity dang that is a lot of days per week to see your parents )
Our wish for a grandchild came true when our daughter had a baby boy a little over a year ago.
We are very excited and love spending as much time with him as we can, and fortunately for us, we see him often.
They will also occasionally ask us to babysit, and we always say yes.
I’m good with that. However, over the past six to nine months, my wife has become increasingly irritated when she doesn’t see our grandson as much as she would like.
She wants pictures/videos of him sent to her on a daily basis. She wants to go to their house two to three times a week (unannounced), and then wants them to come to our house at least once during the week and at least once on the weekends.
I tried to explain that they have their own lives to lead, but she says I obviously don’t understand or love our grandson the way she does.
I know she is hurting, but I’m not sure how to make her understand that this baby isn’t our son and that the kids aren’t trying to withhold him from us. They just want to live their lives and raise their son the same way we were allowed to raise our daughter.
What do you make of this?
Proud Grampa
( oh my hot diggity dang that is a lot of days per week to see your parents )
Care and Feeding: Bird is Not the Word
Mar. 23rd, 2021 11:12 amminoanmissI Don’t Want Dead Aunt Mildred’s Pet Parakeet
But she bequeathed it to my daughter.
My Aunt Mildred has just passed. She was in her late 80s, it was in her sleep, we’re all at peace about it.
Here’s the problem: In her will, she left my 14-year-old daughter her horrible bird. I am biased, because I grew up in New York and see all birds as rats with wings, but I never imagined one would wind up living and pooping in my house.
It’s a monk parakeet, which the internet tells me can live from 15 to 20 years (“Hawk” is, as far as we can tell, about 5 years old.) I don’t want it in my house, and I really don’t want to inherit it when my daughter leaves for college. What do I do?
—Shudder
Dear Shudder,
As someone else who would never allow a bird to live in her home, I understand your aversion. Nor am I overly hung up on Aunt Mildred’s wishes here, as she is dead. She shouldn’t have bought a bird that lives for 20 years in her 80s if she wanted to control all possible outcomes.
Does your daughter want the bird? If—after she has been brought up to speed on the amount of care she will have to provide the bird, minus any parental assistance, financial or otherwise—she still wants the bird, then I think you have a bird now. I’m very sorry.
If your daughter does not want the bird or the responsibilities that come with it, take it to a bird sanctuary, where it can live with many, many other exotic birds that old people have willed to their squeamish children and grandchildren. Don’t sell it to a pet store.
Please keep me posted. Please do not send me the bird. I do not want it.
But she bequeathed it to my daughter.
My Aunt Mildred has just passed. She was in her late 80s, it was in her sleep, we’re all at peace about it.
Here’s the problem: In her will, she left my 14-year-old daughter her horrible bird. I am biased, because I grew up in New York and see all birds as rats with wings, but I never imagined one would wind up living and pooping in my house.
It’s a monk parakeet, which the internet tells me can live from 15 to 20 years (“Hawk” is, as far as we can tell, about 5 years old.) I don’t want it in my house, and I really don’t want to inherit it when my daughter leaves for college. What do I do?
—Shudder
Dear Shudder,
As someone else who would never allow a bird to live in her home, I understand your aversion. Nor am I overly hung up on Aunt Mildred’s wishes here, as she is dead. She shouldn’t have bought a bird that lives for 20 years in her 80s if she wanted to control all possible outcomes.
Does your daughter want the bird? If—after she has been brought up to speed on the amount of care she will have to provide the bird, minus any parental assistance, financial or otherwise—she still wants the bird, then I think you have a bird now. I’m very sorry.
If your daughter does not want the bird or the responsibilities that come with it, take it to a bird sanctuary, where it can live with many, many other exotic birds that old people have willed to their squeamish children and grandchildren. Don’t sell it to a pet store.
Please keep me posted. Please do not send me the bird. I do not want it.
Dear abby: easter and apostasy
Mar. 7th, 2021 07:25 pmlemonsharksDEAR ABBY: Easter is a day to be thankful for Christ that our sins are forgiven. Opinionated atheists at the dinner table distract from the meaning of the celebration. Is it wrong on Easter Sunday to exclude relatives who no longer practice the Christian faith? — SAVED IN MINNESOTA
DEAR SAVED: Before making up your mind, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”
DEAR SAVED: Before making up your mind, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”
lemonsharksDEAR ABBY: I recently had a child with a man who is now incarcerated. I was widowed when I met him, and although he brought me happiness, it has come at a steep price.
I pay for literally everything. I love him very much, but his entitlement was an issue even before he had legal issues. Now he has become very nasty and minimizes everything I do.
If I send $100, he’s upset that I didn’t send $200. If I have a day off from work that I don’t spend communicating with a lawyer and the courts, I’m “not taking initiative.” He has even gone so far as to say it was my fault he got in trouble because I was on his case so often that he “had to go out to get some peace.” His only redeeming quality is his wonderful relationship with the kids, who see none of our fights and regard him as a father figure.
He is now even more negative and derogatory than when he was at home. I manage a busy restaurant and a household of five children. Since he has been away, I’m ashamed to say life has actually been less stressful.
I think my loneliness when I met him made it easier to ignore red flags. In every other aspect of my life, I am an independent woman who has the respect of my peers. Is it too late to set boundaries with him? -- GROWING IN FLORIDA
DEAR GROWING: This emotionally abusive individual is milking you like you are a Guernsey cow. His ingratitude is boundless. You are not the reason he got himself in trouble with the law, and it isn’t your responsibility to get him out or support him financially.
It is way too late to set boundaries with this manipulative ingrate. He won’t change. What you must do now -- for your own sake and for your children’s -- is tell him you are finished and cut ties with him.
I pay for literally everything. I love him very much, but his entitlement was an issue even before he had legal issues. Now he has become very nasty and minimizes everything I do.
If I send $100, he’s upset that I didn’t send $200. If I have a day off from work that I don’t spend communicating with a lawyer and the courts, I’m “not taking initiative.” He has even gone so far as to say it was my fault he got in trouble because I was on his case so often that he “had to go out to get some peace.” His only redeeming quality is his wonderful relationship with the kids, who see none of our fights and regard him as a father figure.
He is now even more negative and derogatory than when he was at home. I manage a busy restaurant and a household of five children. Since he has been away, I’m ashamed to say life has actually been less stressful.
I think my loneliness when I met him made it easier to ignore red flags. In every other aspect of my life, I am an independent woman who has the respect of my peers. Is it too late to set boundaries with him? -- GROWING IN FLORIDA
DEAR GROWING: This emotionally abusive individual is milking you like you are a Guernsey cow. His ingratitude is boundless. You are not the reason he got himself in trouble with the law, and it isn’t your responsibility to get him out or support him financially.
It is way too late to set boundaries with this manipulative ingrate. He won’t change. What you must do now -- for your own sake and for your children’s -- is tell him you are finished and cut ties with him.
conulyDEAR ABBY: My son's new wife -- who has a daughter -- insisted that his two children are not biologically his. After a DNA test, it turns out she was right. They aren't. My son, my husband and I are heartbroken. His twins are 10, and they don't understand what's going on.
My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS
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My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS
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