Dear Amy: I Need to Discipline my 34-Year-Old Daughter

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: My daughter said she got the wedding of her dreams.

Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.

It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.

However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.

Even after I asked her to speak to the guests, she entirely ignored my brother, my sister and their families.

He let me know the next day how hurt they were.

Her mother and I were crushed and had no idea she had neglected them in this way.

Of course, I will strongly recommend making amends to these relatives.

I feel as if I have failed as a parent and have failed my daughter by not being aware of this fault at that time.

I thought we had raised her better. She's 34 now.

What would you suggest I add to our conversation?

— Deflated Post-Wedding

Deflated: Rather than add to your conversation with your daughter, I suggest you take away something: your own sense of embarrassment, shame and any responsibility you might be tempted to assume for her rudeness.

You prompted her at her reception to do the right thing. She ignored your prompt.

Yes, she is an adult. This behavior — whether it was an oversight or deliberate — is her responsibility.

Not only is greeting one’s wedding guests basic wedding etiquette, but it is also simply a “nice” thing to do, and for many people, it would be instinctual.

You and your wife should tell her: “Your aunt and uncle let us know that they were so disappointed that you didn’t take the time to greet them at the wedding. This would have taken you two minutes, and it would have made them feel appreciated. We hope you will choose to make things right by apologizing to them.”

Comments

[movingfinger]

Dear LW, definitely go after your grown daughter about your brother's family's feelings about how happy she was at her wedding and how they were insufficiently recognized at the event! I am sure she couldn't possibly have had anything else going on or have any reason at all for not wanting to talk to people who would carefully keep score of what she was doing and who she was speaking to at the event and nurse up offense to bring up with the rest of the family and not directly with her later. She will certainly admit she was wrong and want to spend every holiday and weekends too with her family going forward if you chastise her on behalf of your siblings, as they have asked you to do! This is 100% your problem to solve, get in there and chew her out properly, how dare she enjoy happy memories of a perfect beautiful wedding centered on her and her husband!

[cereta]

1. JFC, LW, this is neither a huge failure on anyone's part but your relatives for getting their shorts in a bunch over something stupid and you for encouraging them.

2. Even if it were a big deal, it is not your big deal.

3. UGH, weddings.

[feldman]

a. Yes, one should take time to greet all of one's wedding guests. I had like 3 bites of dinner between constant rounds of socializing, and I had a couple elevator speeches prepared for FAQs. However.

b. I was also accosted every time I turned my back by guests who stalked me just for this ritual interaction, so, obligation handled, they could then dance and get drunk. Also.

c. Snubbing, ignoring, forgetting, missing, and breezing through are quite different gradations, and there's no context to figure out if she was avoiding the uncle, if it was purposeful, if he made any attempt to go to her, or if he just got silently pissed bc 'kids these days have no respect'.

d. I can only assume the relationship between this niece and uncle isn't very warm to begin with, because he certainly sounds like a real peach of a guy if he can't manage to exchange small talk with a bride at a reception and then makes it her fault.

[movingfinger]

Thinking about your "d." point, we clearly have a family into dominance rituals here, and the bride did not play along. She was supposed to go to the dominant family members and dance attendance on them, because they are senior to her and more important, even at her wedding.

If she had a good relationship with her father's side of the family, this wouldn't have happened, but the father's family's culture of hierarchical, structured submission doesn't care about how good her relationships are with family members, only that she is deferential and "respectful" to certain ones because of their greater seniority and importance.

[feldman]

That sounds even more exhausting than dancing in a heavy dress and its accompanying undercarriage, I don't blame her for (knowingly or obliviously) opting out!

[eta: spelling]

[ashbet]

Why did they not go and greet her?

From my experiences and friends' experiences, the experience of getting married is disorienting, overwhelming, full of distractions and unplanned interactions and events, and people are accosting you right and left.

It would be INCREDIBLY easy to start heading for their table, get pulled aside three times, and then get called over by the photographer or something.

(As someone with ADHD, the idea that I'd need to personally seek out every guest at a large wedding to avoid offending them gives me HIVES.)

This is why receiving lines were invented, if you want to go the super formal route.

And, yeah, both the father and his siblings sound like DELIGHTFUL people.

[minoanmiss]

Why are people.

[lemonsharks]

Why are

[azurelunatic]

Dear new bride:

have you considered blocking your uncle's number, and putting your dad on low-contact? With your new family, it would suck to have your father's feelings interfering with your special time.

[grammarwoman]

I did a piss-poor job of going around to greet everyone at my wedding reception. Why? Because that was the job of the receiving line at the church just after the ceremony. If they wanted face time with me, they should have lined up then. The reception was party time, and I was not going to let stupid customs get between me and tasting every damned appetizer that I was paying $$$ for.

[swingandswirl]

... dear Amy is trolling with this response, right?

[watersword]

Why are straight people like this.

[likeaduck]

THIS.

[cynthia1960]

+100

[dabbleswithpoisons]

Yeah, I definitely didn't speak to every single person individually at my wedding, including people I don't see that often and would have *liked* to speak to. Because there were a lot of people and limited time and a lot going on! I didn't do that on purpose, I just didn't manage to catch everyone. Even a fairly chill wedding, like mine was, is a bit of a whirl. It happens!
Plus I would not be at all surprised if Dad's siblings weren't top priority because, frankly, they sound like arseholes.

[jamoche]

Only “two minutes”, and I bet OP hasn’t considered how long it would take to spend two minutes with everyone at the wedding - no, it’s only their family members that matter.

I’m not even sure if I talked to my own brother at his big wedding - there was so much going on between dinner and dancing and talking to people I knew. But it’s not like I haven’t known him his whole life and had plenty of other opportunities to do so.

[jadelennox]

Dear Amy:

You prompted her at her reception to do the right thing. She ignored your prompt.

Yes, she is an adult. This behavior — whether it was an oversight or deliberate — is her responsibility.

correct! And therefore:

You and your wife should tell her:

WHAT. NO. Your brother is an adult, your sister is an adult, and your daughter is an adult. If adults have issues with each other, they have means of communicating those issues and resolving them as adults.

If your brother told you he is pissed off, you can tell him, Hey, bro, I'm sorry you were hurt! I have no idea what actually happened and I make it a point not to mediate between adults, so feel free to communicate directly to Daughter if you'd like.

[cynthia1960]

Absolutely all this.