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Carolyn Hax: more shower stuff
Hi, Carolyn:
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
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There's a lot in here about modern wedding etiquette, navigating things like wedding showers in a culture where most people inhabit multiple circles that often have little to no overlap (I think between us, spouse and I had six baby showers - well, no, five, and his workplace took up a "whatever cash you have on you" collection that paid for our video camera - and almost no one attended more than one), but really, one word would have solved a lot, here.
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LW, you failed to properly communicate what the event really was (a chance for grandma to celebrate with the bride) and you made the faux pas of expecting people to show up with a gift when the event usually would not call for one.
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I'm not seeing where she said she was expecting people to show up with a gift? A sit down luncheon doesn't say 'gift', it says 'small intimate get together', but that might be a regional culture thing.
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Maybe I'm just a crass, uncultured Aussie (and a coloured one at that, iggerant of "Proper Westerner Folk" (ie. "white") Apprioriate Behaviours) but...whatever it's called, it was for Gran to celebrate with the bride, and people getting huffy because they're Not Invited is tasteless on the part of the invitees (or technically the non-invitees) whether or not they know why they weren't invited. Celebrations at a wedding are not about them and their standing, it's about the couple getting married and choosing to share that with you.
That said, sounds like the breakdown in communications is firmly on LW's plate, and therefore on her to sort out. Preferably with the bride's backing.