Ask a Manager: If the caterer mentions my mom at my dad’s wedding, all hell will break loose

[minoanmiss]

My dad is getting remarried very soon. My parents divorced 15 years ago.

He and his fiancee hired the same caterer I had at my wedding, who also catered my mom’s remarriage (that was six months after the divorce). This catering company is tiny, and the people who run it are amazing.

My dad has forbidden us from talking about my mom anywhere near his fiancee. I’m sure the caterers will see me and my sibling and mention my mom. If it happens in front of the bride, I’m sure it will not go well for us (or them, for that matter). We want to head it off at the pass, so to speak. How do I do this when I’m not the one who hired them, but I was their customer in the past?

Anyone who does work for weddings is used to dealing with problematic family dynamics, from “keep Uncle Paul out of the photos with Aunt Liz” to “don’t serve Grandma more than two drinks” to “under no circumstances can you let Cousin Cecil anywhere near the bridesmaids’ table.” Compared to some of those requests, this one is pretty easy!

You could contact them as a happy past customer, explain the situation, and ask that they not mention your mom during the event. You could say “I know this is strange to ask” … but they’ll probably be unfazed.

(Alternately, there’s also the option of deciding it’s not going to be your problem if the bride has a meltdown over the existence of your mother … although it might be worth doing to protect the caterers from that. But are you supposed to pretend your mom doesn’t exist when you’re around your stepmom for the next several decades, and does your dad think this bodes well for the marriage?)

Comments

[minoanmiss]

When I read this one I thought "this is a Captain Awkeard letter" and indeed some commenters recommended CA. The LW (as OP2) provides further information in the comments. This isn't just about the wedding -- Father and Stepmom have made a rule that Mom is never to be mentioned in their hearing, and that's just the beginning. It's wild.

Also, if your blood pressure needs raising, check out commenter James. I know (and do not like) him -- he's politically conservative and a scientist and keeps pulling the I Am A Rational White Scientist Man So I Know BEtter Than You. Seeing his scolding of the LW I find myself wondering what he would demand of his (often mentioned) children if he and his (often mentioned) wife divorced.

[conuly]

Sounds like the very easiest solution is for LW and Sibling not to attend.

[conuly]

Coming back to say, wow, you were NOT kidding about James. Holy shit, what an asshole.

[xenacryst]

Part of me, were I the LW, would want to just not say anything, wait for the bomb to drop, then gush about how wonderful mom is, "accidentally" knock over a table or two on my way out*, and then escape to a waiting escape vehicle that spewed glitter and soap bubbles as I exited their lives forever.

* I was going to say the cake table, but that'd just be mean to the caterers who are amazing. Maybe have the tablecloth for the wedding presents table accidentally catch on my shoe, and have all the presents come tumbling down?

[jadelennox]

I heart you so much.

Seriously, if Dad forbids LW from mentioning LW's mother, the solution is for LW to stop associating with Dad. What the fucking fuck.

(But the caterers should be warned so they don't get any blowback, obviously.)

[conuly]

I don't understand why LW is asking for advice solving this. Surely LW's DAD is the one with the problem, and also with the catering contract, and thus the right person to make this request of the caterers.

[azurelunatic]

OP's opinions about the bride should definitely not be written down in an email, and emailing the caterer to say "I'd love to catch up with you" could include some vigorous catching-up about what a flaming problem stepmom-to-be is. Not to mention Dad.

[green_grrl]

This. Obviously Dad and Bride2 are irrational people, and it’s only kind to give a friendly heads up to the service providers of a potential land mine they can avoid. They deal with the public, and specifically bridezillas, all the time—I’m sure they’ll appreciate the advance warning.

[starfleetbrat]

If the dad thinks it's going to be an issue then he should be the one to talk to the caterers. It shouldn't be anyone else's responsibility to cater (hah) to his fiancé's needs.

But really, what should be happening, is the dad should be talking to the Fiancé and saying "it's a family event, people may mention my ex-wife, be prepared for this." And then instead of it not going well when it happens the bride could behave with maturity and not react. But it sounds like that's not going to happen which should imo be a red flag for reasons why that marriage is probably not a good idea.

[lilysea]

I feel like the only time it is okay to ask someone to never mention your ex-spouse or ex-partner around you

is when your ex-spouse/ex-partner was verbally abusive; emotionally abusive; physically abusive...

Or if your ex- is in jail for eg murder.

[sporky_rat]

As someone who's worked catering, yes, please let them know. Show up for the food, be excellent towards the staff, leave dear old red flag Dad in the dust afterwards.