Pay Dirt: MIL wants to use house ownership to control family members after her death

[minoanmiss]

After a particularly nasty battle with COVID, my MIL has finally decided to get her will/financial plans in order. While this sounds great, it’s actually become a huge issue, mainly because she has also finally acknowledged some significant substance abuse problems within her family. Basically, my FIL is an alcoholic and three of her children have major drug problems. My MIL is concerned that if she dies first, my FIL will sell their house to have access to cash to continue funding all the addictions, including his own, and end up homeless.

Her solution: She wants to set up a trust that says her son (my husband) will inherit her part of the house and, while my FIL can live there until he dies, he cannot sell the house. She has not told my FIL any of this and obviously doesn’t plan to (she also wanted my husband to keep it all a secret from me, which he clearly didn’t).

Am I wrong to think this is an absolutely crazy idea? It just seems like she’s passing all responsibility onto my husband, while completely undercutting her own. My husband is pretty vague on all the details but wants to go along with it just to keep the peace. How can I convince him this is a horrible plan?

—I Feel Like Cassandra Over Here

Dear Cassandra,

Your mother-in-law is putting all of you in a terrible position, and doing it selfishly, because if your husband were to decide to go along with this, she won’t be around to clean up the mess. She’s also trying to control your father-in-law’s behavior ,and that of her adult children, and putting the responsibility for managing all of that on your husband. This is recipe for disaster all the way around: it gives your father-in-law no agency in the situation, and forces your husband’s siblings to negotiate with your husband for any portion of their possible inheritance, which will cause resentment, even if your mother-in-law thinks she has reason to believe they will waste the money.


You may also want to point out the flaw in your mother-in-law’s logic here: if your father-in-law and your husband’s siblings would (if no trust were in place) sell the house and blow the money, it’s not as if her appointing your husband gatekeeper is going to magically ensure that they will have stable, healthy lives when she’s gone. If she’s concerned about this problem, she needs to try to get them help, now, while she’s still alive. I think it’s fine to stipulate that if your husband gets her part of the house that your father-in-law is allowed to live there until he’s no longer able, but even then, your father-in-law should be made aware of these plans. It should not be dropped on him as a surprise.