Dear Prudence: My Husband Wants To Reconnect With His Homophobic Parents

[minoanmiss]

Ian is a perceptive man who always sees the best in people. We’re married and have been together for six years. When Ian came out, his parents and family basically cut him out. He reached out for a while; they responded in distant ways. Our relationship started during the end of this slow fade and I encouraged him to move on and build boundaries.

We recently learned (via text) that Ian’s dad almost died of COVID. Now his parents want to reconnect with him. They’ve barely shifted their values but got vaccinated on the down low. They’ve talked on the phone and Ian plans to visit soon, but I said I’m staying home.

Ian seemed hurt but hasn’t brought it up again. He thinks they’ll attend our wedding (we’re legally married, but planning a modest ceremony next year). These people sent him emails “asking for his perspective” on news stories featuring gay pedophiles! They don’t remember his birthday and take days to respond to holiday texts! Maybe it’s selfish, but I decided a long time ago I don’t spend what is probably my one life on this Earth subjecting myself to, or dashing myself on, the walls of folk’s dogma.

With my words, I’m supportive of him going, but I think they’ll guilt him into helping with their massive medical bills, which other families are helping with, they’ve made sure to mention. We make enough at municipal jobs to live comfortably enough but not enough to help with these bills in a way that matters. We’ve recently purchased a condo and money is still tight. Should I bring up what I’m suspecting, or am I acting cynical?

Ian wants me to meet them because I’m a part of the family. I don’t want to be a part of that family. The money we would save from my staying is a lot. On the other hand, this is the open-hearted man I married and plan to spend my life with. Should I just suck it up and go? I’m on the spectrum. Can you tell me is staying one of society’s many unspoken grave social don’ts?

—Happy Where I’m At

Dear Happy,

Go. I say that because you don’t seem to be worried about the parents mistreating or harassing you. You simply don’t think the visit will be enjoyable, and you worry that it might lead to a request for financial help. If they ask for money, you can cross that bridge when you come to it but right now these are Ian’s parents and you love him, so part of supporting him—and really, being family to him—is being by his side, within reason. There’s a place for boundaries, but “I don’t like what I’ve heard about them so I refuse to ever meet them” is a step too far.

Yes, it’s true, you only have one life. But that life is with Ian and he loves these people. The massive medical bills suggest to me that they might not be around for an extremely long time. Supporting him in connecting with the people who raised him, even if they do turn out to be jerks in person and you both make a decision to pull back again (which is what I think might happen) is being a good partner. And by the way, I don’t think your being on the spectrum has anything to do with your dilemma—plenty of neurotypical people would struggle the same way with this decision.

Comments

[cimorene]

Well, I hate this advice! But I guess if the LW is open to the possibility of a relationship with these awful people, or even entertaining the possibility that they might be earnest about wanting a real relationship with their son, this isn't a bad way to act. And I guess they did ask if they should, although IMO "I don't want to be a part of their family" is reason enough to not engage this much (and this expensively, and trustingly...) right off the bat. But I can see that in principle, giving one chance isn't bad practice and Prudence is reacting to LW's openness to giving one.

Still, I think the best thing for LW would be to go ask for advice on the DWIL group at babycenter, where the people have experience with dangerous and toxic relations and managing a spouse's broken normal meter. This advice sounds way too Pollyanna for comfort.

[green_grrl]

Yeah. I suspect that Prudence was trying to be black-and-white for a LW on the spectrum, but I think a better answer would have said, “Have you weighed the amount of support you can provide by being there for your husband?” LW’s concerns (emotional bracing to meet uncaring bigots, budget) are still valid counterweights.

[julian]

a) In "normal" families, it is basically a Grave Social Don't, if you haven't had direct experience of their Problematic Behavior, not to visit for, say, Official Holidays. So basically, I'd go the once, mostly so you can be supportive of your husband, but also so you can experience some Behavior (because there likely will be some) and then not go again. (Unless your husband wants the support.)

b) Continue to encourage boundaries, while being supportive of his decisions: Good.

c) Do bring up the money worries -- like, once. But then don't harp on it. Just, have a reasonable discussion about the worries, so that it can be on the table, and if it comes up again once they start in on it, then it won't be a Shocking Surprise.

[minoanmiss]

You deserve whatever Jensen got paid

[melannen]

+1

Witnessing Behavior is important not just as a way to justify not going back, but so that if they are terrible but your husband is vulnerable to them gaslighting him about it, you can be an independent witness that they really are that bad. (Also, it's just barely possible that they aren't really that bad, or they've had a true change of heart, and you'll want a chance to decide that for yourself too.)

[minoanmiss]

It would be nice to see a miracle happen, yeah.

[melannen]

I've seen it happen - I wouldn't call it a miracle, the relationship is still not comfortable or easy but the formerly-estranged parents really truly are making an ongoing effort to change and were even before they tried to reconnect, and the rebuilt relationship has been really valuable to my friend.

Also, I was one of the people the friend vented at during the estrangement (plus I was on their side! I wasn't going to like the person who hurt them that much!) and after they started on the new relationship, and I went along as backup a few times, it became clear that it wasn't quite as bad as I'd thought. (I mean, it was still bad, the estrangement was wholly justified, I still make sure I'm around and willing to believe the worst when needed! But I was only hearing the bad stuff cast in the worst possible light because that was what the friend needed me to hear and believe - I think even during the worst part of the estrangement, if you'd asked the friend they would have given you a better impression of the parent than I would have, because my job was to be the person who who hated them unconditionally for them.)

So if BF is starting to be willing to try again, LW may find they can follow BF's lead until it's not as unforgiveable or unfixable as they thought from secondhand.

Or they may find it's even worse than they thought. That is a lot more likely, I've been the friend from that side too! But unless there's actual fear of physical danger or serious financial hardship in going I think it's probably worth giving it one try to find out. Along with being there as support and backup and a getaway driver and an impartial witness.

[minoanmiss]

is in awe

[julian]

Yes indeed, the independent witness in case of gaslighting is vital.

(They may also need help with their change of heart, so being an Upstanding Young Married Person and a Good Example is, to be slightly cynical, useful.)

[frenzy]

>you don’t seem to be worried about the parents mistreating or harassing you.

>>These people sent him emails “asking for his perspective” on news stories featuring gay pedophiles!

Yeah, no, Prudie.

[torachan]

Nope nope nope.

[kiezh]

Expensive travel, during a pandemic, to get moralized and "but faaaaamily"ed at by bigoted assholes who've demonstrated their willingness to betray and harass your husband: totally the default, unproblematic, dutiful option! 🙄

Or not. Fuck those people. Ask Ian what he really expects to get out of exposing himself to their bigotry at close quarters again. If he wants to offer another overture for them to slap down, that's his right, but you and he need to talk about Boundaries for the two of you as a couple. You don't want these people in your life, and that's *your* right.

Ian probably finds it hard to let go of hope that his family will magically stop being terrible people. I'm familiar with that dance, and its inevitable crushing end, and with all sympathy for the emotional rollercoaster he's on, my advice is: set and defend those boundaries. You will need them.

[azurelunatic]

It's time for a discussion about finances and what your budget can take if Ian wants to chip in towards his parents' bills! Frame it as "I know you want to help them" and take a realistic look at the budget and what you would be giving up at various levels of support.