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Two letters to Eric
Link
1. Dear Eric: I have three adult children. About three years ago there was an issue, and my oldest, Doug, and middle, Linda, disrespected each other. It wasn't a small issue, but (in my and my wife's opinion) it wasn't a huge offense.
Neither will apologize. They refuse to speak to each other.
We have tried many ways to try and bridge the gap, to no success. I'm not asking for them to kiss and make up. I'm just saying, "Be cordial, be humane to other people in our house."
We host holiday meals, and birthday parties at our house, and this animosity really hurts and makes the dynamics difficult. Even seating at the table needs to be arranged.
Recently, I told my wife, "Only people that are willing to be humane and cordial will be invited to family meals." My wife doesn't want to do that, in part she fears losing access to grandchildren. I said, "Fine, for Easter meals they can be jerks but for Christmas they have to be cordial. I'll just go upstairs because it's too painful to be there. And you can't holler at me for being a jerk, because you don't holler at them for being jerks."
Am I asking too much?
– Stressed Father
Dear Father: You’re not asking too much but be careful to not let your relationship with your wife become collateral damage to Doug and Linda’s fight. Although you see this situation differently, you and your wife have the same goal of family harmony.
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that a “civil on Easter, acrimonious on Christmas” kind of split is going to work in practice. It’s more likely that an honest, and plain-spoken appeal to your kids might have an impact. You’ve tried to get them to be civil to each other and to bridge the gap, but I wonder if you’ve told them, clearly and honestly, how painful their poor behavior is for you. They’ve made their anger everyone’s problem and it seems they’re the only ones who don’t have to do anything special to accommodate it. That needs to stop.
See how your wife feels about telling them, “it’s your business how you treat your sibling, but I’m asking you to stop involving me and your mother and the warm home we work so hard to create in this fight.” She may not go for it, and I understand. But by holding the threat of losing access to your grandchildren over you, your kids are showing an unnecessary amount of cruelty to people (you) who don't deserve it. That’s worth being spoken about in the open.
***********
2. Dear Eric: My fiancé and I had to move back into his parents due to the crippling economy. My problem lies with his father. He is fully disabled and stubborn. He has been getting up to use the bathroom, which would be OK if he could do it properly. He can't; he urinates all over the floor.
We have told him multiple times that, due to us having a child in the home, I always end up cleaning it, but I never get reimbursed. I'm seriously considering calling Adult Protective Services on grounds of self-neglect. He will not take showers as well and is a suicide risk. My issue is I want to call but I don't want to be a problem starter in a family that's already called Department of Children and Family Services on me out of pettiness. What would you do?
– In-Law Struggles
Dear In-Law: There are a few things that are concerning about the situation you’ve described. It sounds like your fiancé’s father needs more comprehensive help than he currently has access to. If he’s at-risk for suicide and has problems providing for his basic needs, then, yes, Adult Protective Services or a social worker should be brought into assist the family. This doesn’t strike me as pettiness; the family is neglecting a vulnerable individual.
I’m also concerned about the call made about you. Without more information, it’s not possible to comment save for pointing out that this living situation is not, at present, healthy for you or for your child.
You, your fiancé, and whomever else is in the house need to have a frank conversation about the tensions in the house and how you can all best work to protect the vulnerable people in the home, namely your fiancé’s father and your child. It may be that this isn’t the right place to raise a child right now.
In your letter, I read frustration with your fiancé’s father. That’s understandable but as you address what’s wrong in the house, try to focus on the bigger issue. He needs more support than he currently has, even if he doesn’t want it, and those of you helping him need more support, too.
1. Dear Eric: I have three adult children. About three years ago there was an issue, and my oldest, Doug, and middle, Linda, disrespected each other. It wasn't a small issue, but (in my and my wife's opinion) it wasn't a huge offense.
Neither will apologize. They refuse to speak to each other.
We have tried many ways to try and bridge the gap, to no success. I'm not asking for them to kiss and make up. I'm just saying, "Be cordial, be humane to other people in our house."
We host holiday meals, and birthday parties at our house, and this animosity really hurts and makes the dynamics difficult. Even seating at the table needs to be arranged.
Recently, I told my wife, "Only people that are willing to be humane and cordial will be invited to family meals." My wife doesn't want to do that, in part she fears losing access to grandchildren. I said, "Fine, for Easter meals they can be jerks but for Christmas they have to be cordial. I'll just go upstairs because it's too painful to be there. And you can't holler at me for being a jerk, because you don't holler at them for being jerks."
Am I asking too much?
– Stressed Father
Dear Father: You’re not asking too much but be careful to not let your relationship with your wife become collateral damage to Doug and Linda’s fight. Although you see this situation differently, you and your wife have the same goal of family harmony.
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that a “civil on Easter, acrimonious on Christmas” kind of split is going to work in practice. It’s more likely that an honest, and plain-spoken appeal to your kids might have an impact. You’ve tried to get them to be civil to each other and to bridge the gap, but I wonder if you’ve told them, clearly and honestly, how painful their poor behavior is for you. They’ve made their anger everyone’s problem and it seems they’re the only ones who don’t have to do anything special to accommodate it. That needs to stop.
See how your wife feels about telling them, “it’s your business how you treat your sibling, but I’m asking you to stop involving me and your mother and the warm home we work so hard to create in this fight.” She may not go for it, and I understand. But by holding the threat of losing access to your grandchildren over you, your kids are showing an unnecessary amount of cruelty to people (you) who don't deserve it. That’s worth being spoken about in the open.
2. Dear Eric: My fiancé and I had to move back into his parents due to the crippling economy. My problem lies with his father. He is fully disabled and stubborn. He has been getting up to use the bathroom, which would be OK if he could do it properly. He can't; he urinates all over the floor.
We have told him multiple times that, due to us having a child in the home, I always end up cleaning it, but I never get reimbursed. I'm seriously considering calling Adult Protective Services on grounds of self-neglect. He will not take showers as well and is a suicide risk. My issue is I want to call but I don't want to be a problem starter in a family that's already called Department of Children and Family Services on me out of pettiness. What would you do?
– In-Law Struggles
Dear In-Law: There are a few things that are concerning about the situation you’ve described. It sounds like your fiancé’s father needs more comprehensive help than he currently has access to. If he’s at-risk for suicide and has problems providing for his basic needs, then, yes, Adult Protective Services or a social worker should be brought into assist the family. This doesn’t strike me as pettiness; the family is neglecting a vulnerable individual.
I’m also concerned about the call made about you. Without more information, it’s not possible to comment save for pointing out that this living situation is not, at present, healthy for you or for your child.
You, your fiancé, and whomever else is in the house need to have a frank conversation about the tensions in the house and how you can all best work to protect the vulnerable people in the home, namely your fiancé’s father and your child. It may be that this isn’t the right place to raise a child right now.
In your letter, I read frustration with your fiancé’s father. That’s understandable but as you address what’s wrong in the house, try to focus on the bigger issue. He needs more support than he currently has, even if he doesn’t want it, and those of you helping him need more support, too.
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That being said, what LW and Wife need to do is talk to the kids and say "Listen, if you two can't get along then we'll stop asking you to come over on the same holidays. Let us know which holidays you want, and if you ask for the same ones we'll flip a coin."
2. There is no way of knowing if that child services call was petty or not.
What we can know is that this living situation is untenable. I get that there are no good options here, but unless the other option is literally under a bridge, if you're lucky I think LW needs to explore them. Is there a friend they can double up with? Somebody who needs rent help, maybe? Parents and kids sharing a room in a shared apartment is crappy, but it's significantly less crappy than living with family who might call child services at the drop of a hat just because you can't find any better way to address their father's wellbeing than to call adult protective services.
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ETA: I just realized "what sort of person" considers it better to insist on civility than to avoid the conflict. It's somebody who believes the important part of this family conflict is that it's based in something that "was not a huge offense." The siblings both believe it was a huge offense, both believe they were seriously wronged, and neither is willing to apologize when they believe their behavior was justified. ("About 3 years ago" could have been a disagreement about January 6 trials. Or about misgendering somebody. Or perhaps about covid precautions.) LW wants them to agree the conflict doesn't matter, and set it aside. Or to agree the conflict doesn't matter very much, and set it aside for a while.
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Uh-huh. There’s a 500-pound Missing Lede here.
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That said, I'm also puzzled by her word choice of "reimbursed". As in, she's spending her own money on cleaning supplies, or as in she should be paid by the family to do this (which suggests she needs to have a conversation with fiancé ASAP about their respective assumptions of what's part of being a family member vs what's over and above and deserves compensation)?
And assuming it was genuinely a call made out of pettiness and not out of legitimate concern, why does LW2 want to marry into a family who's already called CPS on her?
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I'm not sure, though, because LW was not clear about that and then buried the lede about the suicide risk WAY deep. I feel like I have an unusually good relationship with my FIL, but also if he was messy peeing AND SUICIDAL, the pee would be annoying but maybe not my top question.
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2. LW2 may need to take their child and move out if possible, because their first priority is the child's safety. I'm curious about the fiance's mother here; if she's overwhelmed by the situation and/or also needs assistance herself.