Dear Prudence: My family has weaponized giving me presents

[minoanmiss]

Content advisory: transphobia, terrible family.

Unwrapping little boxes of cruelty is getting old.

I’m a transgender guy in my late 20s, and for about five years after my transition, I wasn’t included in holiday celebrations with my large religious family. Recently, my siblings and cousins (who all are great and have grown to support me) have demanded that I be included. I’m grateful for this, but now I find myself in an awkward situation.

The gift exchange is a big tradition where everyone is gathered in a large room. Often older family members will give me very feminine gifts. It’s a bit humiliating to have to sit there and act grateful for gifts that are meant as a jab at my identity. Before transition, I was considered a “tomboy,” and I usually received fairly neutral gifts. The situation becomes extra embarrassing because some of the younger members of the family or new significant others have only ever known me as “Johnny” and so the absurdity of the gifts becomes a bit of a joke.

I’ve tried telling people I don’t need any gifts as well as asking for donations to a local animal shelter instead, but the pink frilly stuff keeps coming. (I donate those gifts to a local transgender support group who pass them on to trans feminine people in need, so they aren’t wasted.) What should I do? I love my family and my presence at these gatherings was a hard-fought victory. I just wish there was a way to participate with my dignity still intact.

— No More “Pretty, Please”

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these really awful people. I can’t tell you not to spend holidays with them anymore—if that felt easy to you, you would have made the choice already. But I just want to be one little voice saying “being around them isn’t a privilege, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way!”

I want you to ask yourself what you would tell a good friend in a similar situation. Say, a Black friend who was adopted into a white family whose older member intentionally gave them T-shirts covered in racist slogans every year. You’d be horrified, right? I just know you would tell that friend not to put up with it. You’d tell them they were worth so much more than that kind of treatment. There is no dignity to be had around people who don’t respect you or care about you—or at least pretend to.

A couple of ideas to make sure you’re not exposed to this cruelty anymore:

1. Rally your siblings and cousins, who seem to be willing to stand up for you. Have them send out a message to the older people in the family that says in no uncertain terms “Giving Johnny feminine gifts isn’t funny. If it happens this Christmas, we are all going to get up and walk out IMMEDIATELY and the holiday will be ruined. Plan accordingly.”

2. Host your own holiday celebration with only the people who have treated you with respect. Make it clear that people who have mocked you with feminine gifts are not invited because of their behavior.

Whatever you do, I hope you go into this holiday season knowing that you are not the problem, that being around bigots is not a reward, and that they are the ones who are lucky that you even give them the time of day.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Volunteers to take LW in for the holidays this year?

Also, LW, a lot of makeup is very flammable, as is much frilly clothing. Just saying.

[ysobel]

Volunteers to take LW in for the holidays this year?

*hand shoots into air*

[xenacryst]

How are people who say they love you so toxic? I just have no other words. LW, find a found family that actually loves you.

[melannen]

1. Leave before or arrive after the gift exchange. If you value keeping peace for the younger members of the family that strongly, come up with a valid-sounding other obligation. (...perhaps you are volunteering for an event for lgbt people with no supportive families. Perhaps that event is you watching Netflix and drinking.)

2. Don't ask them to give gifts to the animal shelter, ask them to give gifts to the trans support group! And then when you get frilly things, go on at length about how thoughtful it was to give things that the trans women at the support group will enjoy so much.

[harpers_child]

I love both of these suggestions. The second one appeals to the shit-stirrer in me.

[ashbet]

I admit, it appeals to the shit-stirrer in me, too.

[melannen]

My slightly more serious suggestions, if you really don't want to stir shit, is: go to the good siblings/cousins, let them know how badly you're hurt by the gifts you're given by some family members, ask them if they'd be willing to help you push for a different kind of gift exchange going forward. A lot of families stop exchanging gifts between all adults as generations turn over, so you could suggest something like:

1. Over-18s do a Secret Santa with one gift each from now on (with ringers to make sure you don't match someone you shouldn't.)
2. Over-18s don't open presents at the event, that lets you pay more attention to the kids' experience, they take theirs home to open later (you can have a cousin vet yours)
3. Adults in the extended family exchange only food/only gift cards/only charitable donations
etc.

It will probably get some pushback but if you have enough other people backing you up you can at least try? They use excuses like budgets, making the gift exchange take less time, wanting to reduce clutter/materialism, etc. so it can't turn into an argument about your transition. And if some people insist on giving you bad gifts even if the alternative is agreed on by everybody, you can say, "oh no, I only got you [agreed on thing], I can't accept this when I didn't get you anything!", put it aside, and "accidentally" leave it behind when you go.

[heavenscalyx]

After the cousins and sibs fought to have them included, I am horrified by the fact that they apparently think their jobs are done and haven’t stepped up to squish the macroaggressions.

[melannen]

It sounds like a situation where nobody wants to speak up in the moment because LW isn't necessarily out to people who weren't there for his transition. And it sounds like a situation where speaking up anywhere other than in the moment isn't going to do anything.

They could probably be doing more, sure. But "how dare you be transphobic to Johnny" in the middle of the gift exchange isn't going to help if it outs Johnny. I dunno what I would do in that situation other than "haha how funny you got Johnny a gift he doesn't want and can't use. again." *deathglare*.

I'd welcome advice on what you could do in the moment in that kind of situation!

[raine]

Likely don't recognize them as microagressions; most people who aren't affected by such things don't know that shit wears on you.

[julian]

I have the urge to suggest giving the Transphobic Jerks gifts that are in some fashion the opposite of what they want, but that's both mean and also too binary.

[azurelunatic]

A manure donation is both useful and pointed.

[minoanmiss]

I wish I could finance that for LW, since I don't want to encourage them to waste money on these twits.

[torachan]

Ugh, the fact that they only started giving extra feminine gifts after he transitioned just makes it extra gross. LW needs to find reasons not to spend time with these people.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, LW finds it an achievement to have been allowed back into the all-family celebration and... I kinda think LW needs a new family.