lemonsharks (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2021-06-21 07:47 am
lemonsharks) wrote in agonyaunt2021-06-21 07:47 am
Dear Abby: you don't have to spend time with people are deliberately and maliciously cruel to you
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. My beloved mother-in-law passed away two years ago. She had always been my “buffer” against the rest of my husband’s family — two brothers and their families and his stepfather, none of whom care for me. When we would visit from out of state, I could be sure that, by my MIL’s side, I would be comfortable and loved, while my husband hung out with his brothers and nieces.
After she passed, some things happened that hurt me, and I must now decide whether to accompany my husband when he goes to visit. I know if I do, I’ll be left alone and isolated on a couch while the rest of them socialize elsewhere, and I dread the thought. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how much I am fearing this. Please advise. -- MISSING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MISSING: Unless your husband is an ostrich with his head in the ground, surely he must have noticed how his siblings and their families have treated you for the last 40 years. If it has escaped him, give him chapter and verse! No law says you “must” accompany him on these visits, and frankly, I see no reason why you shouldn’t plan some pleasant activities for yourself in his absence. Try it. You may find you like it.
After she passed, some things happened that hurt me, and I must now decide whether to accompany my husband when he goes to visit. I know if I do, I’ll be left alone and isolated on a couch while the rest of them socialize elsewhere, and I dread the thought. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how much I am fearing this. Please advise. -- MISSING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MISSING: Unless your husband is an ostrich with his head in the ground, surely he must have noticed how his siblings and their families have treated you for the last 40 years. If it has escaped him, give him chapter and verse! No law says you “must” accompany him on these visits, and frankly, I see no reason why you shouldn’t plan some pleasant activities for yourself in his absence. Try it. You may find you like it.
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A marriage of 40 years isn't really a thing I should want to just disappear, but I dislike it when partners can't "seem to understand" the big emotions going on.
So, me, since "going to visit family" often translates to "the space in which vacation happens," I'd suggest they create some Them Time, to have vacations *together*, and then he can visit his family and you can take up tatting, or nature walks, or find some friends to see movies with.
Also: Thank you, Abby, good answer.
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YEP. Whatever the inciting incident, LW has been shunned by all her in-laws except her MIL which is not on
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But in that case "stop visiting them" is still a happy ending for everyone! Or "find something fun to do while they are off socializing"!
The only thing here is I can see a possibility where it's a one-driver family in a driving-required neighborhood, and if Husband has gone off somewhere else, LW is literally trapped at home. But they should probably figure out another solution to that anyway, as they both get older and there's a higher chance Husband might be unable to drive sometimes.
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Exactly! Win/win!
(But yes, one car families are a thing, good point you.)
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snort water out my nose.gif
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(Um, yeah, there was Therapy this morning. Possibly on this very topic.)
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