minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2021-03-11 01:07 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-03-11 01:07 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Family Won’t Stop Harassing Me for Taking My Wife’s Last Name
They’ve raised the subject more than a hundred times in six months.
I married my partner in a quiet online ceremony due to COVID. I’m a man, she’s a woman, and we had decided beforehand that I would take her last name. We had a few reasons for this decision, one of them being that her name would sound like a famous comic book character (think “Lois Lane”) if she had taken mine. We didn’t mention this except to a few friends, since it didn’t seem like big news. My family never asked, and I never thought to mention it, so they heard about it for the first time on our wedding day when the officiant announced our names. They seemed shocked but were quiet at the time.
Since then, they have raised the subject well over a hundred times. My mom actually phoned me in tears asking why I had “rejected our family name,” while my dad constantly implies that my lovely wife (whom he previously really liked) is a monstrous control freak. My mom and brother are both horrified that I didn’t “insist” our future children “carry on my name,” and when I’ve tried to remind them that we are not actually a monarchical dynasty, they switch tactics and claim that we must simply prefer my wife’s family to mine. Honestly, right now, that’s true, because her family have responded perfectly reasonably, while mine are behaving like this. I’ve taken to ending conversations with my parents and brother when they raise the issue, which has been every single conversation. My wife was very upset the last time we spoke because they shouted at her for “emasculating” me. I’m anxious that they not get a chance to yell at her again. Can you advise me on a way to firmly shut down this topic once and for all? It’s been six months now. I feel like I’ve told them repeatedly, “We’re not discussing this,” in every call, and I’m at my wits’ end. We were close before, but they seem willing to die on this hill and are actually begging me to change my name back if I won’t “reason” with my wife.
—Ivanhoe the Disinherited
I don’t mean to make light of your situation, because it sounds absolutely demoralizing, but there’s something a little funny about the image of three adults throwing a six-months-long temper tantrum about emasculation and the innate wickedness of women and generally acting like Lancastrians who’ve just seen the Red Rose removed from their bannermen and country houses after the Battle of Northampton, all over a grown man changing his name from Derek Prince to Derek Swafford. It would be tempting (but probably counterproductive) to send them all a link to Oprah’s recent interview with Harry (last name pending) and Meghan Markle. The circumstances are unfortunate, but the road ahead is clear: There’s nothing to do but stop taking their calls entirely, I’m afraid. If they were going to listen to reason or catch themselves after the first few prematurely ended conversations, they would have done so. You’ve given them countless opportunities to behave reasonably and treat you like an adult capable of making his own decisions, and they’ve declined.
I realize this may feel painful and bewildering if you considered your relationship to be close before this, but don’t let that bewilderment confuse you into another six months of putting up with cruel nonsense. It may be out of character for them, or it may be entirely in character and you’ve simply never seen this side of them before because you never displeased them before. Protect your wife from continued harassment, and safeguard your own peace of mind by not answering their calls, deleting their voicemails, and ignoring their emails. If at some point they’re able to say, “We’re very sorry for how we’ve behaved. We won’t ever bring your name change up again, and we’d like to try to re-establish a relationship with you, if you’re open to it,” you can revisit the possibility of a conversation. But don’t settle for less.
I married my partner in a quiet online ceremony due to COVID. I’m a man, she’s a woman, and we had decided beforehand that I would take her last name. We had a few reasons for this decision, one of them being that her name would sound like a famous comic book character (think “Lois Lane”) if she had taken mine. We didn’t mention this except to a few friends, since it didn’t seem like big news. My family never asked, and I never thought to mention it, so they heard about it for the first time on our wedding day when the officiant announced our names. They seemed shocked but were quiet at the time.
Since then, they have raised the subject well over a hundred times. My mom actually phoned me in tears asking why I had “rejected our family name,” while my dad constantly implies that my lovely wife (whom he previously really liked) is a monstrous control freak. My mom and brother are both horrified that I didn’t “insist” our future children “carry on my name,” and when I’ve tried to remind them that we are not actually a monarchical dynasty, they switch tactics and claim that we must simply prefer my wife’s family to mine. Honestly, right now, that’s true, because her family have responded perfectly reasonably, while mine are behaving like this. I’ve taken to ending conversations with my parents and brother when they raise the issue, which has been every single conversation. My wife was very upset the last time we spoke because they shouted at her for “emasculating” me. I’m anxious that they not get a chance to yell at her again. Can you advise me on a way to firmly shut down this topic once and for all? It’s been six months now. I feel like I’ve told them repeatedly, “We’re not discussing this,” in every call, and I’m at my wits’ end. We were close before, but they seem willing to die on this hill and are actually begging me to change my name back if I won’t “reason” with my wife.
—Ivanhoe the Disinherited
I don’t mean to make light of your situation, because it sounds absolutely demoralizing, but there’s something a little funny about the image of three adults throwing a six-months-long temper tantrum about emasculation and the innate wickedness of women and generally acting like Lancastrians who’ve just seen the Red Rose removed from their bannermen and country houses after the Battle of Northampton, all over a grown man changing his name from Derek Prince to Derek Swafford. It would be tempting (but probably counterproductive) to send them all a link to Oprah’s recent interview with Harry (last name pending) and Meghan Markle. The circumstances are unfortunate, but the road ahead is clear: There’s nothing to do but stop taking their calls entirely, I’m afraid. If they were going to listen to reason or catch themselves after the first few prematurely ended conversations, they would have done so. You’ve given them countless opportunities to behave reasonably and treat you like an adult capable of making his own decisions, and they’ve declined.
I realize this may feel painful and bewildering if you considered your relationship to be close before this, but don’t let that bewilderment confuse you into another six months of putting up with cruel nonsense. It may be out of character for them, or it may be entirely in character and you’ve simply never seen this side of them before because you never displeased them before. Protect your wife from continued harassment, and safeguard your own peace of mind by not answering their calls, deleting their voicemails, and ignoring their emails. If at some point they’re able to say, “We’re very sorry for how we’ve behaved. We won’t ever bring your name change up again, and we’d like to try to re-establish a relationship with you, if you’re open to it,” you can revisit the possibility of a conversation. But don’t settle for less.
A star for the LW!
LW, meanwhile, won my heart with "I’m anxious that they not get a chance to yell at [my wife] again. " They're being terrible to him, and terrible to his wife, and he cares that they not hurt his wife. Sounds like a low bar but many husbands don't seem to clear it.
ANyway I totally agree with the advice, except I'd add "don't hold your breath". And I want to invite LW and his wife over for the next Big Family Holiday so they have somewhere else to go than his terrible family who are terrible.
Re: A star for the LW!
no subject
The number of people who just assumed I took his name is staggering. People who were at the wedding and heard us introduced as the same names we'd always had. Birthday cards, holiday cards, wedding invitations, etc. All to Ms. His Name. I shrug it off, but it gets annoying some times.
*I've been questioning the lady part for the last year/ year and a half. It's under review.
no subject
no subject
no subject
The Husbandthing didn't take my name, we'd discussed it even. I couldn't take two first names of one syllable when I thought of my husband, I'd never stop giggling.
Also if I took his last name, I got a really nice monogram. (Yes, there are times I am a Stereotype.)
no subject
I'd add that in addition to blocking them, LW should come up with a canned line to use if the family members attempt to use friends, co-workers, etc. to get around the block.
no subject
I partly changed it because I like the sound of this name better, but also to honor my mother's family (it was my great-grandparents' last name), though I wasn't thinking of it as rejecting my father. It felt more that my matrilineal heritage had been pre-rejected by the people who went the conventional patrilineal naming route for me, and I was reclaiming it. However, when I stopped talking to my father several years later, I was very glad not to be reminded of him every time I wrote my name down. Sometimes the subconscious knows best.