miss manners: missing missing reasons and passive aggression ahoy

[lemonsharks]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently living with my mother. Not wanting to freeload, I suggested that she charge me rent. She seemed surprised, and said she’d get back to me.

Later, she appeared in a rather formal outfit and said she was now my landlady. She spelled out my rental rate and terms; it was higher than I had planned on, but she conveyed such an air of authority that I didn’t argue.

Later, when she was back to her normal self, I told her the rate was too high. She stepped out, returned as the “landlady” and asked what the problem was. I explained that the rate was more than I could afford; she told me I could either pay it or find somewhere else to live.

ow received notices of late rent and eviction. I haven’t tried to talk with my mom about this; she is normally loving and supportive, but I’m afraid she will transform into the “landlady” and kick me out — or possibly sue me for the rent and late fees I already owe.

Should I pass my mom a note explaining that I love her, but I don’t like her alter ego? That I can’t afford the rate she is trying to charge, and I would have trouble finding another place to live and I regret ever mentioning rent? Anything else I should include?

GENTLE READER: An apology. Your mother has created this character and this entertaining little charade because she is hurt. The only way she knew how to deal with that hurt was to create an alter ego, devoid of sentiment, so that she could do the role justice.

Of course, Miss Manners realizes that you were only trying to pay your share, but to her, it may seem that you are ungrateful for her kindness. You might include that in your apology and reassure her of your gratitude. A heartfelt written apology can go a long way toward mending a problem — especially when role-playing no longer proves productive.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

I have one single reaction and that reaction is "what the entire fuck is going on here?!"

[adrian_turtle]

This looks like a joke gone wrong. I don't mean "that's not funny!" I mean the kind of going wrong where one person is joking and the other person takes them literally seriously and takes a left turn at Albuquerque even though it means driving across a missile range.

That level of misunderstanding usually happens with a major cultural difference. I don't think of it as happening within a family. I don't like my mother and I disagree with most of her values. But I can almost always tell when she's joking. (If I hadn't grown up with her it might be different.)

I have no clue if the mother is thinking "Charge rent? What a ridiculous idea! I will show my child just how ridiculous it is, and then we can laugh at it together like family who understand one another." Or if instead the mother is thinking more seriously, "Ok, if my child wants a business relationship, I will try to do that, but I will try to keep it separate from our family relationship." Whatever she thinks, it's a problem that the LW doesn't know.

[lemonsharks]

I think that's the best case scenario

[ermingarden]

I get where Miss Manners is coming from, but it is very messed up for LW's mother to do this – talk about passive-aggressive! A reasonable person would see that LW wasn't spurning their mother's generosity, but instead trying not to take it for granted.

[lemonsharks]

Yeah, the mom overreacted in a really bizarre but not cognitive changes kind of way and i want to think any other columnist would have called that out

[ermingarden]

I think Miss Manners is correct that the mom was hurt by LW's offer to pay rent and LW apologizing could go a long way toward fixing the situation – but some acknowledgment of how utterly bonkers her response is would have been appropriate!

[gingicat]

When I moved back in with my parents, I said "let me pay rent so I can figure out what's doable on my salary."

When I moved out, I was unexpectedly presented with all of that rent as a lump sum.

My parents are awesome.

[cimorene]

o_O So many questions...