Dear Prudence: I want my family to stop "teasing" me

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,

I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.

—Too Sensitive for This

Dear Too Sensitive,

Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And even if you were, healthy, kind family members take note when someone is “too” sensitive and try not to hurt them. This isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, and it comes naturally to those who care about how they make loved ones feel.

Assuming you don’t want to limit your contact with your parents, I suggest identifying a few topics that are truly off limits for jokes and teasing for you, and letting them know in writing (a text message or DM or email) at a moment when you’re not together and you’re not feeling emotional. “Hi Mom and Dad. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel when you tease me or insult me as a joke, and while I understand that you don’t mean any harm by it, I want to ask you to refrain from joking about my weight, my health issues, or my relationships [or whatever the most sensitive issues are]. If you can do this, I’ll be able to enjoy our time together a lot more.” Then give them a chance, and if they slip up, give them a warning or just feel free to get up and leave without any guilt. It’s not you, it’s them.

Comments

[cereta]

I swear, were it not for the fact that LW was talking about parents instead of/in addition to siblings, I'd be side-eyeing my friends, wondering if one of them had written this on my behalf. This was my life, and it's a big, big part of why, even now when my mother is still living (the only real reason I'd have to spend holidays or any other time with them), I have gone from passively not expending any effort to spend time with them outside of the expected holiday gatherings to flat-out refusing to be in the same room with them until/unless it's an emergency involving my mother. That's not going to change. If they apologized tomorrow (which they won't), it wouldn't change. They've had fifty-two years of me telling them, "It upsets me when you do this," and not only doing it anyway, but to all appearances, doing it for that reason. An apology would be meaningless.

(Note: This is why my mom's "They're just doing it to get a reaction" makes me so angry. Like, you realize that what you're saying is that people who are supposed to love me* are engaging in behavior for the specific purpose of hurting me, and I'm the one who needs to change.)

The advice here nearly made me weep with the validation in it, which I think may be more valuable to LW than any actual strategy. Because I guarantee (and can read in the letter) that they've been told that their "sensitivity" is the problem. Just being told that no, your family are assholes is tremendously freeing. Other than that, the best part of the advice is the "get up and walk away." I started doing that a few years ago, and while it didn't change their behavior, it lessened my emotional response a LOT.

I'm sad to say that I don't hold out much hope that LW's family will change, so I hope that they (like me) have a solid support network of friends and found family. No one deserves this bullshit.

*Something I no longer really believe they do, which...bothers me a lot less than I would have thought, in no small part because I'm not sure I love them anymore, either.

[minoanmiss]

Amen.

*hugs you*

*mails a spray bottle to the LW*

[ysobel]

kneejerk reaction: telling them where your weak spots are is a bad idea; they will increase jokes in those areas

...I need more coffee

[azurelunatic]

Yeah.

It's a really quick way to find out whether someone is being clueless or abusive, though!

[cimorene]

Strategy depends on how willing she is to cut them off wholly or partly as a result. If she's not, she should concentrate more on cautious defensive moves.

[ioplokon]

Yeah idk I think this is bad advice, depending on the motivation for the "teasing." My family teased me relentlessly growing up. When people decide you're "too sensitive," they often also feel an obligation to "toughen you up" (when, actually, constantly being made fun of... makes people more sensitive & insecure, lol). So if LW's family feels a moral duty to break them of their sensitivity, giving them a list of things they're sensitive about is a fucking disastrous idea.

The way I "solved" my problem was basically to just limit any and all information my family had about my life, taking away a lot of their ammunition. Also people feel more free to be shitty to children than adults, so some of the teasing went down just as a factor of time, I think.

[lemonsharks]

This is the kind of advice I loved captain awkward for back in the day. You're allowed to leave. You're allowed to have the boundary that people who treat you like garbage don't get to enjoy your company.

IME this type of asshole often can't take what they dish out, either. Not always, but returning their cruelty to sender is a possibly successful strategy for some of these folks.

---

"Well I guess I'm just a terrible parent, then."

You got to that conclusion all by yourself, but I can tell you good parents don't say things like "quote they just said" to their children. Whom they allegedly love. (And then leave)

“I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding"

And I just don't care. That was an asshole thing to say and you need to apologize. The next time you do it, I'll leave. (And then leave.)

“you can’t take a joke”

You're right, I can't take shitty, deliberately cruel, unfunny jokes. Stop making them to me, around me, and about me. (And then leave)

---

Like... there's so much power in not caring about what people think or feel. It doesn't have to take you to a place of cruelty yourself, but "they're going to feel what they feel and I'm not going to feel bad about it" is an interpersonal royal flush for this kind of relationship.

(And tbh I think most people who can do so are better off removing people who are cruel to them from their lives, regardless of but faaaaaamily)