agonyaunt | How to Do It: "I Keep Getting Called a “Bad Feminist” Because I Won’t Do One Thing in Bed"

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How to Do It: "I Keep Getting Called a “Bad Feminist” Because I Won’t Do One Thing in Bed"

Dear How To Do It,

I’m a bisexual woman in my late 20s. I’ve dated about the same number of women and men. I hate performing oral sex on women (for what it’s worth, I don’t particularly enjoy receiving it either). There’s something about the smell and taste that really, really grosses me out. I don’t think it’s just a one (or two) time thing because I’ve gone down on around 15 women, and it’s gross every time.

I don’t mind performing oral sex on men (I’ve only encountered one gross-smelling dick before), and most guys are thrilled not to have to go down on me, but women react very differently. I’ve been called a “pillow princess,” a fake bisexual, a bad feminist, etc. when I mention I don’t really like oral sex. I now exclusively date bi women, and they’re less judgmental than lesbians, but some are still put off. My ideal night with a woman involves making out, boobs, and fingering/mutual masturbation (I don’t like strap-ons, either!) to finish the night, but most women don’t want anything besides oral.

Is there some way I can learn to at least tolerate performing oral sex? I can do it for about two minutes before getting grossed out and needing to brush my teeth or get a stick of gum.

—How Many Licks

Dear How Many Licks,

Are you familiar with dental dams? They’re a nonporous sheet of material that you can place over internal genitalia (vulvas and anuses) and are usually found in a safer sex context. I think they may be useful for you. If they can prevent the spread of infectious bacteria, they can prevent your taste buds from coming into contact with vaginal secretions, which may solve your issue.

Part of the difficulty and negative reaction you’re encountering may have something to do with your phrasing. “Gross” is hard to hear. I hope you’re choosing different words when you’re speaking to current or prospective sexual partners. Of course, people are still going to have their opinions on the genuineness of your sexual identity—identity policing isn’t going away anytime soon—but you can do your best to help them remain receptive by using phrases like “I prefer to give and receive digital stimulation” or “I’m generally not into giving or receiving oral.”

Try to remember that dating is a process of sorting through mismatch after mismatch until we find the person, or people, who click with us. When someone calls you a pillow princess as a pejorative, questions your bisexuality, or judges you for your open disinterest in oral, that’s a signal that it’s time to move along.

There very well may be a woman out there who you find attractive and who will be thrilled to never engage in oral sex again. Put your energy into locating her. If you’re going the online dating route, this may mean listing your preference in your bio to keep things efficient. If you’re dating in the wild, I’d be upfront as soon as the subject of sex comes up. Good luck.

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I posted this because it reminded me of a similar letter from a guy who didn't want to perform cunnilingus. I asked myself if I have more sympathy for this woman than for him, and why. I do have a couple tablespoons more sympathy: 1) she's bi, and I know how being a bi girl means judgement from all sides, 1a) people calling her a bad feminist isn't fair, and 2) unlike him she doesn't expect/demand oral sex be performed on her.

OTOH, I'm still a bit unsympathetic to her, as I was to him, and it comes down to one word and a concept: "gross". Women get so much crap about how disgusting our bodies are. Don't talk about periods. Don't have hair below the neck. Don't sweat. Don't ever smell bad. Etc etc etc. I think it would be a small change and a huge difference if this woman and that man could say "Oral sex is not to my taste" rather than "oral sex with women is gross".

I mean, I would totally go on a first date with her -- we could commiserate about crap bi girls get and I can take or leave oral (there's the TMI). But if her comments on going down on women implied a universal disgustingness it would probably make me not want a second date unless she were *really* charming in some other way. That's very different than "I personally don't like it."

Edited 2020-08-19 14:52 (UTC)

I think her disinterest in receiving allows her to just categorically say “I’m not into oral sex” (rather than the man who wanted to receive but not give), and doesn’t make her a “pillow princess” (who only wants to receive.)

I agree that taking “gross” out of the equation would render her much more sympathetic and appealing to potential partners — she can just be up-front that oral is (ahem) off the menu.

And “bad feminist” is garbage, no one should feel compelled to do anything they don’t want in bed.

Right, but if she also reacts like it's the most vile thing ever, it's going to be a difficult sell. Practicing saying, "I prefer fingering and direct digital stimulation, not oral sex and strap-ons" is one thing. Making it believable and making it so that someone doesn't try to do the, "But I haven't done it to you, I can do it better than anyone, just try it with me!" sales pitch will take a lot more effort. Not saying her preferences aren't valid (they are! they totally are!), but people can be assholes about stuff like that.

Edited (forgot close tag) 2020-08-19 16:21 (UTC)

Ohhhh yeah. I've encountered my fair share of "you haven't done it with me, I can do it better, try it" arguments and having to fend those off is kind of a pain. The niceties of how to say "no really, I'm not into doing Thing X or Thing Y for reasons" without offending the other person.

TBH, this is part of why I gave up on dating (not all of it, but part of it). Even if I can find someone who doesn't care that I'm a trans man and disabled, the whole topic of sex is such a fucking minefield for me that it's more spoons than I have anymore. So tired of the "but I can make you come, promise" posturing (and it's not exclusively men who do it, either) and having to coddle someone about how my lack of interest in Thing X doesn't mean I'm not into them, no really.

I feel like I'm also more sympathetic because I think no oral is a far more common deal breaker in the lbpq dating scene. So, realistically, the fact that she doesn't enjoy giving or receiving oral significantly reduces the portion of the dating pool she's sexually compatible with (by which I don't mean anything about her sexual orientation but just that their interests in the bedroom line up for a good time for all parties) in a way I don't think it does for straight men. Like, I don't think she's exaggerating when she says most of the women she's met are very interested in it.

I think the advice to just accept that she doesn't like it and to work on communicating this in a neutral way vs calling it 'gross' (or even thinking of it that way; with the background cultural baggage around sex and women's bodies, 'gross' is always going to be a value judgement, I think) is good, as well as the advice to be proactive about finding women who don't love oral. But like, we all know the feeling of hitting 'no new matches within X miles' on the dating app so like, I get why she's asking how she can enjoy it more even though she's within her rights not to like it and people are wrong to judge her for that alone.

My take as a dude with a vagina who has done things with people of different genders:

Vaginas aren't gross. Probably LW would do better to just say "oral isn't my thing" and leave the "gross" part out of it. (I, for example, do not like receiving oral because it intensifies my dysphoria in ways that penetration does not. There is a way to refuse and still be polite.)

That being said, nobody should feel obligated to perform any sex act on anybody. People are allowed to feel uncomfortable with any sex act for any reason and say no to giving it or receiving it. "Just use a dental dam" isn't necessarily going to help, as there may be issues there besides the taste (while I'm not saying LW shouldn't try it either; that's up to LW).

I also feel like people need to stop with this identity policing shit and stop saying someone is a "fake" whatever because of certain unwritten rules about gender/sexual orientation performativity. For fuck's sake. We get enough judgmental crap from non-LGBT people, this thing we have with eating our own (hurr) needs to fucking stop already. Nobody is a "fake" bisexual because they don't like performing/receiving Sexual Activity X, you shallow, judgmental fucks. (Not "you" directed at anyone here.) If someone wants to call me a "fake" such-and-such because I don't like doing Thing X or Thing Y, there are issues there well beyond sexual compatibility and I ain't got time for that, bye.

Edited 2020-08-19 16:46 (UTC)

nobody should feel obligated to perform any sex act on anybody

Absolutely. I hope it was clear from my response that this absolutely truth underpins it.

I also feel like people need to stop with this identity policing shit and stop saying someone is a "fake" whatever because of certain unwritten rules about gender/sexual orientation performativity. For fuck's sake. We get enough judgmental crap from non-LGBT people, this thing we have with eating our own (hurr) needs to fucking stop already.

A-fucking-men.

Yeah, your response was fine. :) I just needed to throw in my rant because I have So Many Feelings about this subject.

An ex of mine was a cis bi dude who stopped dating men because he got so much pressure to receive anal and was basically told that he wasn't bi if he didn't want to bottom in that sense.

He was perfectly attracted sexually and romantically to men, and was willing to do pretty much everything else in bed, but that was a hard limit (he had his reasons), and he got so tired of his identity being questioned and his boundaries pushed.

I haaaaate identity-policing, speaking as a bi woman who got an incredible amount of shit as a baby queer because I dated men (even though I was just as interested in women and did have relationships with women, as well.)

I HEAR you. I didn't call myself queer till I was in my late 30s because when I was first exploring I got so much crap for being bi. I felt like I didn't qualify since I'm bi. Ergh.

I feel like bi people get policed *so much* and it's incredibly frustrating. We get shit from hets AND gay/lesbian people. No matter what we do, or don't do, we're doing it wrong!

Then on top of that I deal with the Trans Police; some of the worst gatekeepers are fellow trans people.

It's bad enough that I have to be in the closet out here in MAGA country, but the way a lot of the LGBTQ+ community itself behaves towards its own just makes me want to live under a damn rock, y'know?

Oh my stars and garters that sounds HORRIBLE. Ugh, I fucking hate gatekeeping. Stay safe out there and I really hope queer people can stop eating our own, as you well put it. (heh, considering the post this appended to.)

LW is entitled to establish boundaries. She will have more success finding a partner if she does so kindly.

And this was what I was flailing at but didn't quite manage to say.

I feel like it's worthwhile to ask the LW to do some introspection on her feelings about oral sex. What's her context that's shaped them, in terms of media, family, education, culture, religion, peers, and sexual partners? Has she received negative messaging about oral sex on vulvas that could be contributing to her disgust at giving and disinterest in receiving? Are there other ways that she feels negative about vulvas or her body?

If no, all above advice stands.

If yes, all the above advice still stands, AND, are there ways that you could introduce more positive messages about oral sex and vulvas into your life, or explore or bring curiosity to negative or complicated or disconnected feelings with a journal or therapist or meditation practice, in a body-positivity workshop, etc? You still don't have to do anything you don't want to sexually, but if you *want* to see if your capacity for enjoyment can expand around this, there are ways to start to explore that.

Edited 2020-08-20 18:03 (UTC)

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How to Do It: "I Keep Getting Called a “Bad Feminist” Because I Won’t Do One Thing in Bed"

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