Dear Prudence: Help! Should I Withhold Sex Until My Husband Agrees to Have a Vasectomy?

[cereta]

Q. No snip, no sex!: I have a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome, which comes with highly irregular periods (among other symptoms). Despite that, my husband and I have two wonderful children, and I felt that our family was complete after my second C-section. During that operation, I had a tubal ligation. I know that feminine sterilization is not 100 percent effective and can become less effective as time passes. I constantly worry that I am pregnant again when my period is late (and it always is—thanks, PCOS). I have put my body through two pregnancies and two C-sections, and both were very risky for my health. The thought of having another child causes panic attacks.

To decrease my odds of getting pregnant again, I have asked my husband, repeatedly, to have a vasectomy. Hormonal birth control had horrible side effects for me, and he hates using condoms. I have rationally talked to him about how another pregnancy could endanger my health, our future, and our finances. I have explained that this procedure is simple, common, and has a very short recovery window (as opposed to a hysterectomy). He refuses to even talk about why he doesn’t want one. I can’t stomach having sex with him until he’s on board with this. It’s all anxiety and no fun. A sex embargo doesn’t seem fair to him, but him putting all of the reproductive responsibility—and sucky side effects—on me also doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure where to go from here.

A: You’re at a difficult moment here, and I’m not sure what options are available to you without your husband at least being willing to talk to you about why he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy. I don’t think you should try to pressure yourself into having sex right now if it fills you with anxiety and dread. That’s not a “sex embargo”—sex isn’t a good that you manufacture for your husband as his wife—that’s you trying to deal honestly with your feelings of isolation and confusion. I think the thing that’s going to have to change is his willingness to talk honestly about sex, contraception, and his feelings with you. A therapist may help you in the meantime, even if he’s not willing to accompany you at first. If anyone reading has had a similar impasse in their marriage and found anything particularly helpful, please share what’s worked for you.

Comments

[cereta]

Letters like this make me so angry. Vasectomies are one of the few ways in which male-oriented birth control is easier than the parallel for women (which the LW has already DONE), and he's refusing to even talk about it. Add on the refusing use condoms, and you pretty much have an asshole.

[jadelennox]

YUP.

Also when the reliable options for women to manage alone are a much more invasive surgery or daily hormonal control, this makes me stabby. Also in my case this fight went on for years and I lost it anyway.

[redbird]

Even if sex were something that "embargo" made sense for, she's not saying "I won't have sex with you." She's telling him that if he wants to have PIV sex, he has to either use a condom or have a vasectomy, because she isn't prepared to have panic attacks so he can have unprotected sex. (Maybe he's terrified of surgery--some people are--but it beggars belief that he is also terrified of latex and polyurethane.)

[minoanmiss]

I kind of wish I could tie LW's husband to a chair and have several sensible and worthy gentlemen of my acquaintance talk some sense into him. I was waffling along the 'Bodily integrity' vs 'really need to not have another child' line until I got to that he won't even DISCUSS it. That deliberate noncommunncativeness -- if he can't get his reasons into words yet, at least having a conversation could help him do so -- made me see red on LW's behalf.

[cereta]

Seriously. Everyone at Slate is going, "his body, his choice, I wouldn't do it because of these risks, she should have a hysterectomy," because major surgery is totes risk-free. And okay, yes: his body, his choice. Her body, her choice not to risk the (admittedly, very, very small) chance of becoming pregnant. What's a problem here is that he has been putting the entire burden of contraception on her, and now won't even talk about his reasons for not considering taking some on.

[torachan]

The fact that he not only won't discuss having a vasectomy but also won't use condoms makes me wonder if he hopes she will get pregnant again and is being passive-aggressive about it.

[cereta]

People at Slate suggested that he doesn't want to give up the chance of having children with another woman if they divorce or she dies. They were suggesting this like it was an acceptable way for him to be thinking, mind you.

(I actually mentioned that to spouse when we talked about the idea of his having one - what if I die and you meet a woman who doesn't have fertility challenges? He was kind of insulted, actually.)

[torachan]

I mean, it's an acceptable thing to think, in that there's nothing wrong with considering what might happen in the future if you're not with the person you're with now, but it's not an acceptable reason to be against any form of birth control in the present. A vasectomy is usually reversible, but also the guy could just use condoms. The fact that he both doesn't want the vasectomy and refuses to use condoms is what makes me think he want the LW to get pregnant again against her wishes.

[amireal]

Then freeze a whole bucket of sperm. let's not pretend there aren't options, he's just too selfish to consider any that put a burden on him.

[eleanorjane]

This guy is an ASSHOLE.

Also, I like Prudie's advice. I admire her ability not to blurt out THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE, and I really like her reassurance about sex not being a manufactured good LW owes her husband.

(Man, my expectations of advice columnists are really low.)

[sathari]

I'm with everyone else here. And I would say that even if it weren't a straight-up health issue, "his body his choice" also means "her body her choice" and if she is finding potentially-procreative sex acts with this partner to be unenjoyable then she absolutely doesn't have to do them, anymore than anyone ever owes anyone sex at all, much less a specific type of sex act.

Now, the part where he won't even discuss it with her. That has my eyes bugging out because, sorry, dude, you are one half of a team as regards your life choices and you at least need to talk about those choices with the other half of the team, especially when the other half of the team is disproportionately carrying the weight of the decision.

[amireal]

What I'm hearing here is the husband cares more about his ability to have a condom free PIV orgasm than his wife's physical and mental health. Relationships and SEX require more than one party and more than one party's needs and wants.

[zaracat]

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