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agonyaunt2022-09-19 02:06 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-09-19 02:06 pm
Entry tags:
How to Do It: Issues with my Boyfriend's Photo Stash
The actual title is:
I Thought My Boyfriend Had a Secret Folder for Photos of Naked Women. What I Found Was Much Weirder.
I’m haunted by his spank bank.
My boyfriend was recently showing me a folder on his phone full of pictures of me and accidentally showed me another folder with pictures of other women. He was really upset and apologetic. And although seeing his spank bank doesn’t make me feel good, I assured him that he hadn’t done anything wrong. I do really believe he hasn’t done anything wrong. The problem is that seeing the folder has made me lose sexual interest in him.
We have had a great sex life up until now, and I’m really upset that seeing this folder is having an impact on me. I feel that it shouldn’t be a big deal and shouldn’t bother me. I know it’s something lots of men do. But there are two aspects that keep coming up when I think about it. The first is that the pictures I did see were of women who looked very different from me. And that makes me think that physically he desires something else, but he is with me because of our emotional connection. The second is what these pictures actually were.
They weren’t pornographic. (I have no discomfort about him watching porn. We do it together, and I know he does it alone as well.) But these pictures of women from social media and other sources are just regular pictures where the focus is on their faces. He says when he finds something attractive about someone’s face, he uses these images to get turned on before masturbating. For me, the thought of him gazing into someone else’s warm, smiling face to get a boner is disturbing. I suppose it just feels like something you do with a lover, not something you do when you’re just trying to rub one out. I should mention these are not women either of us knows.
I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but I’m starting to feel really terrible about myself and the relationship. And I can’t seem to figure out how to reframe this. He’s a great partner and I don’t want to feel this loss of affection and sexual interest.
Rich: I think that being turned on by faces like this is unique enough of a kink or preference, taste, style, whatever, that his admission of it makes me feel like this guy is trustworthy. Maybe it’s my bias, but when you reveal something that can be judged as strange, I tend to trust that you’re legit. I would suggest first, trying to take that at face value. This is how he gets turned on. If you can’t refrain from judging that, then maybe this isn’t the person for you.
Stoya: I want to judge it.
Rich: OK. Do it. Go for it.
Stoya: I think it’s really sweet.
Rich: I think it’s sweet, too.
Stoya: The way he gets a boner is by looking at someone’s face. I mean, I feel like the thought of him gazing into someone else’s warm, smiling face to get a boner. It feels like she’s already judging it, but…
Rich: She is.
Stoya: When you’re dating someone and they’re like, “Hey, babe, I’m going to leave you for two hours to go bring medicine to my friend who’s sick.” What do you do? You say, “Oh, he’s a good guy.”
Rich: Yeah, right.
Stoya: Yeah. He’s not fixated on scenes from the front page of a tube site featuring 18-year-old girls getting their faces aggressively thrust into until they gag all over themselves. He’s turned on by looking at warm, smiling faces.
Rich: That sounds to me like somebody who likes connection. And it also makes the interest in multiple examples of this, to have this spank bank, even more plausible. I relate to this a little bit because that facial thing is very important to me. That’s how I perceive and also give connection. And I like that kind of connection. I just prefer it during sex. I prefer those reminders. I prefer eye contact. I prefer all that.
And as somebody who likes faces, I noticed that in terms of body type, background, and to a certain degree, age, those things are totally secondary. If you’re into faces, it’s possible to not really have a type because you’re just kind of judging the face. So then it makes sense to me that you then have a whole catalog of faces to go through. And it’s not a referendum on the partner because it’s like, well, you only have one of those faces, but there’s a whole sea of faces out there. You know?
Stoya: So, I’m really curious. The pictures that the writer did see were of women who look different from her, but I’m wondering, did all those faces look one particular kind of different from her? Or was there a wide variety?
Rich: That’s a good question.
Stoya: Because for me, it’s the brain, the smell, and the eyes, kind of in that order. Brain, smell, eyes. If you line up all of my past sexual partners, it looks like just a cross-section of humanity. It skews towards cis men, but yeah, we got all kinds of different shapes, different skin colors, different eye colors, and different ways of presenting themselves aesthetically. So I wish I had a little more information on the look because I think that also can be a way of helping our writer logic herself into an intellectual comfort with this. And obviously, feelings are feelings. Right? She’s having the feelings she’s having. Those are her feelings, but you can engage the logic, brain, and intellect and get some kind of balance that is less distressing.
Rich: Yes. Perspective.
Also, I would like to point out that being attracted to these women that are on his phone and being attracted to our letter writer are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Full quote: “There are two aspects that keep coming up when I think about it. The first is that the pictures that I did see were of women who look very different from me. And that makes me think that physically he desires something else.” He may desire something else. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you. Desire, for many of us, does not have such strict limitations or work on an either/or basis. He may want a bunch of different stuff. So again, I just feel like it’s somewhat vulnerable to acknowledge the fact that he is attracted to people in this way. I think you could take him at his word. If you’re going to do that, then you could take him at his word that when he says he’s attracted to you, he is. And he’s attracted to these other people as well. That’s totally possible.
Stoya: I think our writer could think about: Has she felt insecure or even specifically insecure about her physical attractiveness in other situations, right? Is there some kind of running theme in her life that is something to look at and work on? Is there something that happened that was distressing or traumatic before this relationship and a button is being pushed? What is going on there? And that might help her untangle her reactions and be able to feel affection and sexual interest toward her partner again.
Rich: Yes. I would wonder too, in the greater context of the relationship, whether there have been any other triggers for this kind of insecurity based on behavior or their interaction. I think that we can assume there isn’t: “He’s a great partner and I don’t want to feel the loss of affection in sexual interest.” She wants to hold onto him. But is this a new experience or does this track in terms of the way that they’ve related and been relating previously? That’s another question to ask yourself because maybe this is just more evidence that you’ve been collecting that maybe it’s not a good fit for you. Or if this is the first time it’s come up, I would say—
Stoya: I would say firsts can be a lot.
Rich: That’s true.
Stoya: Maybe this is the first time this is occurring. And the first time something distressing occurs, it’s really—I mean, I hope it’s really natural, otherwise, I need to go back to therapy—but at least for me, the first time something happens, I’m like, “Ah, what do I do? Oh my God, this is… What?” And then…
Rich: That’s true.
Stoya: The second and third time, you’re like, “OK, I know what to do here.”
Rich: Right. To me, there’s nothing in the evidence we’ve been given that suggests that a deal breaker has occurred, but everybody gets to set their own limits and their own deal breakers. And if this is, if you can’t deal with somebody who is attracted to a panoply of faces, then maybe you’ve discovered that this isn’t the partner for you, unfortunately.
Stoya: Yeah. And that happens.
Rich: It does.
I Thought My Boyfriend Had a Secret Folder for Photos of Naked Women. What I Found Was Much Weirder.
I’m haunted by his spank bank.
My boyfriend was recently showing me a folder on his phone full of pictures of me and accidentally showed me another folder with pictures of other women. He was really upset and apologetic. And although seeing his spank bank doesn’t make me feel good, I assured him that he hadn’t done anything wrong. I do really believe he hasn’t done anything wrong. The problem is that seeing the folder has made me lose sexual interest in him.
We have had a great sex life up until now, and I’m really upset that seeing this folder is having an impact on me. I feel that it shouldn’t be a big deal and shouldn’t bother me. I know it’s something lots of men do. But there are two aspects that keep coming up when I think about it. The first is that the pictures I did see were of women who looked very different from me. And that makes me think that physically he desires something else, but he is with me because of our emotional connection. The second is what these pictures actually were.
They weren’t pornographic. (I have no discomfort about him watching porn. We do it together, and I know he does it alone as well.) But these pictures of women from social media and other sources are just regular pictures where the focus is on their faces. He says when he finds something attractive about someone’s face, he uses these images to get turned on before masturbating. For me, the thought of him gazing into someone else’s warm, smiling face to get a boner is disturbing. I suppose it just feels like something you do with a lover, not something you do when you’re just trying to rub one out. I should mention these are not women either of us knows.
I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but I’m starting to feel really terrible about myself and the relationship. And I can’t seem to figure out how to reframe this. He’s a great partner and I don’t want to feel this loss of affection and sexual interest.
Rich: I think that being turned on by faces like this is unique enough of a kink or preference, taste, style, whatever, that his admission of it makes me feel like this guy is trustworthy. Maybe it’s my bias, but when you reveal something that can be judged as strange, I tend to trust that you’re legit. I would suggest first, trying to take that at face value. This is how he gets turned on. If you can’t refrain from judging that, then maybe this isn’t the person for you.
Stoya: I want to judge it.
Rich: OK. Do it. Go for it.
Stoya: I think it’s really sweet.
Rich: I think it’s sweet, too.
Stoya: The way he gets a boner is by looking at someone’s face. I mean, I feel like the thought of him gazing into someone else’s warm, smiling face to get a boner. It feels like she’s already judging it, but…
Rich: She is.
Stoya: When you’re dating someone and they’re like, “Hey, babe, I’m going to leave you for two hours to go bring medicine to my friend who’s sick.” What do you do? You say, “Oh, he’s a good guy.”
Rich: Yeah, right.
Stoya: Yeah. He’s not fixated on scenes from the front page of a tube site featuring 18-year-old girls getting their faces aggressively thrust into until they gag all over themselves. He’s turned on by looking at warm, smiling faces.
Rich: That sounds to me like somebody who likes connection. And it also makes the interest in multiple examples of this, to have this spank bank, even more plausible. I relate to this a little bit because that facial thing is very important to me. That’s how I perceive and also give connection. And I like that kind of connection. I just prefer it during sex. I prefer those reminders. I prefer eye contact. I prefer all that.
And as somebody who likes faces, I noticed that in terms of body type, background, and to a certain degree, age, those things are totally secondary. If you’re into faces, it’s possible to not really have a type because you’re just kind of judging the face. So then it makes sense to me that you then have a whole catalog of faces to go through. And it’s not a referendum on the partner because it’s like, well, you only have one of those faces, but there’s a whole sea of faces out there. You know?
Stoya: So, I’m really curious. The pictures that the writer did see were of women who look different from her, but I’m wondering, did all those faces look one particular kind of different from her? Or was there a wide variety?
Rich: That’s a good question.
Stoya: Because for me, it’s the brain, the smell, and the eyes, kind of in that order. Brain, smell, eyes. If you line up all of my past sexual partners, it looks like just a cross-section of humanity. It skews towards cis men, but yeah, we got all kinds of different shapes, different skin colors, different eye colors, and different ways of presenting themselves aesthetically. So I wish I had a little more information on the look because I think that also can be a way of helping our writer logic herself into an intellectual comfort with this. And obviously, feelings are feelings. Right? She’s having the feelings she’s having. Those are her feelings, but you can engage the logic, brain, and intellect and get some kind of balance that is less distressing.
Rich: Yes. Perspective.
Also, I would like to point out that being attracted to these women that are on his phone and being attracted to our letter writer are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Full quote: “There are two aspects that keep coming up when I think about it. The first is that the pictures that I did see were of women who look very different from me. And that makes me think that physically he desires something else.” He may desire something else. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you. Desire, for many of us, does not have such strict limitations or work on an either/or basis. He may want a bunch of different stuff. So again, I just feel like it’s somewhat vulnerable to acknowledge the fact that he is attracted to people in this way. I think you could take him at his word. If you’re going to do that, then you could take him at his word that when he says he’s attracted to you, he is. And he’s attracted to these other people as well. That’s totally possible.
Stoya: I think our writer could think about: Has she felt insecure or even specifically insecure about her physical attractiveness in other situations, right? Is there some kind of running theme in her life that is something to look at and work on? Is there something that happened that was distressing or traumatic before this relationship and a button is being pushed? What is going on there? And that might help her untangle her reactions and be able to feel affection and sexual interest toward her partner again.
Rich: Yes. I would wonder too, in the greater context of the relationship, whether there have been any other triggers for this kind of insecurity based on behavior or their interaction. I think that we can assume there isn’t: “He’s a great partner and I don’t want to feel the loss of affection in sexual interest.” She wants to hold onto him. But is this a new experience or does this track in terms of the way that they’ve related and been relating previously? That’s another question to ask yourself because maybe this is just more evidence that you’ve been collecting that maybe it’s not a good fit for you. Or if this is the first time it’s come up, I would say—
Stoya: I would say firsts can be a lot.
Rich: That’s true.
Stoya: Maybe this is the first time this is occurring. And the first time something distressing occurs, it’s really—I mean, I hope it’s really natural, otherwise, I need to go back to therapy—but at least for me, the first time something happens, I’m like, “Ah, what do I do? Oh my God, this is… What?” And then…
Rich: That’s true.
Stoya: The second and third time, you’re like, “OK, I know what to do here.”
Rich: Right. To me, there’s nothing in the evidence we’ve been given that suggests that a deal breaker has occurred, but everybody gets to set their own limits and their own deal breakers. And if this is, if you can’t deal with somebody who is attracted to a panoply of faces, then maybe you’ve discovered that this isn’t the partner for you, unfortunately.
Stoya: Yeah. And that happens.
Rich: It does.
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The first is that the pictures I did see were of women who looked very different from me. And that makes me think that physically he desires something else, but he is with me because of our emotional connection.
I often run into the idea that fantasies (porn, erotic fic, etc) are about what we "really" want, but in my experience, they are offten about what turns our cranks, which can include but isn't necessarily what we "really want".
I will now give an example from my own files. I don't want to sleep with Chris Evans. I don't know him at all. But I think he looks pretty, especially without clothes, so I have some pictures in my collection. I actually had an interesting set of conversations with a former sweetie about how I love him for who he is and I don't need for him to look like Chris Evans just because I have these pictures.
There are a lot of people in the world and one can appreciate a lot of types without requiring one's SO to fit all or even any of them. I think LW could benefit from being told that.
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If a tall, long-haired, brunette guy with facial hair (basically, your Friendly Neighborhood Werewolf type) crosses my path, I WILL look twice :D
Or a short, curvy, kinda-punk girl with bright-colored hair. These things catch my eye.
With that said, my actual partner choices are a lot more diverse . . . but if you looked through my art or my mental spank-bank folder (I don't have one in real life), you'd definitely see some strong archetypal preferences. That doesn't make my attraction to my real-people partners any less genuine.
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I mean, I guess if nobody ever finds out about it ever... but people already have found out! At least one person knows this!
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Assuming there is nothing more to it, there are no sexual interactions here though? He saves these pictures and then does his own thing alone, without interacting directly with these women. I can understand finding the idea uncomfortable, I too would be weirded out if I discovered that someone does this with my pictures, but it's supposed to be a private thing in the first place, and if he keeps it that way... I honestly don't think it's that deep.
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A lot of people think that cheating is a mutual activity with a third party - chatting, sexting etc with a real person who is participating back
but that watching porn featuring actors you have never met and will never meet, and who have no idea that you exist, isn't cheating
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I have been fortunate to not have had a SO who neglected me in favor of masturbation and porn. Maybe because of that good fortune, I have never minded when my SOs have kept their "spank banks", as it were, or watched porn when I wasn't there to watch it with them. I figure we all have a sexual relationship with ourselves that predates romantic relationships with others, and unless it's causing a problem in our relationsship there's no reason for that not to continue.
More globally, I can see how a person can classify their partner's masturbatory sex life as either "sex with someone not me and thus inappropriate to our relationship" or "sex with themself and so not inappropriate to our relationship". I don't think either classification is more valid -- it comes down to the individuals involved, I think.
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Urban Dictionary seems to agree.
Of course, in the real world, much porn is problematic, and I see why some women have a problem with it for one reason or another, but that's a whole other discussion unto itself.
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Enh, language is mutable. :p
The sociopolitical issues of the exploitativeness of much commercially made porn featuring real people are problems which do overlap, but I think aren't the whole of what disturbs people -- in the case of this letter, the LW is disturbed in part because her SO is into smiling faces, which could have been collected from anywhere, and several commenters mention being disturbed by that (which I had not even thought of and is a really edifying part of the discussion).
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That is indeed an interesting question. Is it different for me to, ahem, daydream about Bucky & Steve, two fictional characters, or Seb Stan and Chris Evans, two professional actors who trade in their attractivness, or two cute boys jogging together I saw in a photo online of Random People, or the two cute boys I saw jogging together the other day, one brunet and one blond? I have been thinking about that, reading this discussion.
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Bottom line, what are you going to do, tell people there are "bad thoughts", and that it's wrong to fantasize about somebody? I mean, there are certain Very Fucked Up religions that capitalize greatly on the notion that certain thoughts (as opposed to actions) are in and of themselves "bad".
(Ofc. it's almost certainly creepy to tell someone you don't have a sexual relationship with that you think about them when you masturbate.)
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And I am not saying this is necessarily terrible behavior on his part, either. It's just ringing some alarm bells and I'm trying to figure out why.
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Even LW doesn't think he's really doing anything *wrong*, it just seems weird.
Maybe because it's adjacent to a lot of behavior that *is* problematic, and there's a worry that the behavior might escalate? Like, the next step after collecting photos of random women is stalking one he finds particularly attractive? Or "upskirting", or taking random photos of women in public himself to file away in his "spank bank"?
I dunno, just spitballing.
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