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agonyaunt2020-06-16 01:28 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-06-16 01:28 pm
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Dear Prudence: Help! Our Daughter's Making Porn!
Q. Our daughter’s choices: We recently found out our (adult) teenage daughter has dropped out of school and quit her part-time job to do online sex work. Naturally we’re not thrilled about this, but she likes to push our buttons and we know that if we object, it’ll just drive her even more. This wasn’t from some strong desire to do sex work on her part—she’s very lazy and wanted to make money without having to show up for a job everyday. For a while she was using her real name in the pictures and videos, and a quick Google search of just her name pulls them up easily (her face is visible). Recently, her relatives (aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends) have been asking about her and our other kids, how they’re doing, and how our daughter’s doing in school. We’ve managed to tell them she’s not in school anymore, but they ask why and what she’s doing for work, and that’s where we get stuck. The last few times we were asked, we made a quick excuse to get off the phone, but I know it’s going to come up again. Our daughter begged us to not tell our family, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. On top of that, we’re pretty ashamed of our daughter’s choice and feel like we’re bad parents. My partner says we have to tell them and they’re going to find out eventually. I’m torn. What do we do?
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
Q. Re: Our daughter’s choices: Hey, what happened to “You’re being asked to lie on someone else’s behalf, and you have every right to decline that request”? (See “Q. Am I unreasonable?” in Part 1 of the chat.) If the relatives ask what she’s doing, I’d just say something to the effect of “Don’t ask!” or “Let’s not go there. Lovely weather we’re having” or, if they persist, “You’re going to have to ask her about that!”
A: I think the differences between those two are pretty obvious, but I’ll bite regardless: In the first situation, the letter writer is being asked to keep an affair from a close friend of hers, which directly affects her and the commitment she’s made to her partner. In the second situation, the daughter is not cheating on anyone, and she’s also at risk of social censure, stigmatization, and criminal charges if she’s outed. That said, I agree that “Don’t ask,” or “I don’t want to talk about it” is also fine, and that the letter writer should feel free to speak honestly, if vaguely, about their daughter’s work. They do not have to come up with a plausible cover story if they’re uncomfortable doing so. Thank you for suggesting it; I should have included that as an option in my original answer.
Q. Re: Our daughter’s choices: If you and your daughter are concerned about her having used her real name in some of these videos, you could offer to (help) pay for an online reputation management company. They help sanitize what comes up when you enter her name into various social media and search engines so that her past (or the past of a different person with the same name!) doesn’t hurt job prospects in the future. This will also help her preserve her privacy.
A: I think that’s a good idea in principle, although I don’t know whether the letter writer’s daughter would be available for that kind of conversation with her parents. There’s a reason people often adopt professional names for sex work that’s not tied to civilian life, but I’m not sure the relationship between the letter writer and their daughter is solid enough right now for them to have that conversation. I also don’t want the letter writer to feel like they have to manage this for their daughter or offer assistance she doesn’t seem to want from them (and that they’re not sure they want to give). If they’re feeling up for it, they might raise the issue once and encourage her to consider preserving a degree of privacy or self-protection when it comes to her work. But mostly what I want for the letter writer right now is the freedom to deal with their own feelings of frustration, distance, rejection, and anxieties in a safe, confidential context.
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
Q. Re: Our daughter’s choices: Hey, what happened to “You’re being asked to lie on someone else’s behalf, and you have every right to decline that request”? (See “Q. Am I unreasonable?” in Part 1 of the chat.) If the relatives ask what she’s doing, I’d just say something to the effect of “Don’t ask!” or “Let’s not go there. Lovely weather we’re having” or, if they persist, “You’re going to have to ask her about that!”
A: I think the differences between those two are pretty obvious, but I’ll bite regardless: In the first situation, the letter writer is being asked to keep an affair from a close friend of hers, which directly affects her and the commitment she’s made to her partner. In the second situation, the daughter is not cheating on anyone, and she’s also at risk of social censure, stigmatization, and criminal charges if she’s outed. That said, I agree that “Don’t ask,” or “I don’t want to talk about it” is also fine, and that the letter writer should feel free to speak honestly, if vaguely, about their daughter’s work. They do not have to come up with a plausible cover story if they’re uncomfortable doing so. Thank you for suggesting it; I should have included that as an option in my original answer.
Q. Re: Our daughter’s choices: If you and your daughter are concerned about her having used her real name in some of these videos, you could offer to (help) pay for an online reputation management company. They help sanitize what comes up when you enter her name into various social media and search engines so that her past (or the past of a different person with the same name!) doesn’t hurt job prospects in the future. This will also help her preserve her privacy.
A: I think that’s a good idea in principle, although I don’t know whether the letter writer’s daughter would be available for that kind of conversation with her parents. There’s a reason people often adopt professional names for sex work that’s not tied to civilian life, but I’m not sure the relationship between the letter writer and their daughter is solid enough right now for them to have that conversation. I also don’t want the letter writer to feel like they have to manage this for their daughter or offer assistance she doesn’t seem to want from them (and that they’re not sure they want to give). If they’re feeling up for it, they might raise the issue once and encourage her to consider preserving a degree of privacy or self-protection when it comes to her work. But mostly what I want for the letter writer right now is the freedom to deal with their own feelings of frustration, distance, rejection, and anxieties in a safe, confidential context.
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a) Kid! Wtf! Do not use real name and identifying stuff.
b) Parent(s)!
1) Don't go into specifics, but also don't be evasive. "She's taking some time off, and trying a few things out" can work. But people do Google, so think about ways to talk about it that indicate you don't approve, but that she's liing her own life and you still love her. (Since, clearly, you do.)
This might be good rehearsal for telling her similar things.
2) Actually, sex work's difficult and tiring. So she may not have wanted a conventional schedule, but lazy, it's not.
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My brain couldn't deal with the rest of it because it was so busy with that one.
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