Dear How to Do It: I Have One Rule About Condoms

[ayebydan]

Dear How to Do It,



I’m a straight woman who has a reoccurring problem with new sex partners. I insist on condoms for penetrative sex unless a relationship becomes exclusive, but I’ll engage in oral and light non-penetrative genital-to-genital contact without them. I’m well-aware those activities are not risk-free, but that’s my comfort zone. My partners are generally on board with wrapping it up at the beginning of the act, but sometimes they’ll take the condom off midway through because it diminishes their sensitivity. No one has ever slipped his penis back in pretending it’s still wrapped. The good eggs have accepted stopping for the moment, or engaged in petting or oral instead. But too often my partner has agreed not to enter me unwrapped, but will then rub his penis against me in a way that feels great and is essentially like knocking at the door begging to be let in. I’ve sometimes relented against my better judgment because I’m overcome by desire and I don’t love the feel of condoms either. One guy suggested we just do hand stuff instead, but then once I was really lost in the moment, he slipped his penis in without a word. I went stiff, and stopped it immediately, and never saw him again.


The culminated effect of these encounters has been to drastically damper my pleasure once the condom comes off. I feel hyper-vigilant about protecting my reasonable boundary, preventing me from letting go. I also feel resentful that it falls to me alone to keep the safe sex practice we originally agreed on, guilty and ashamed that I’m not getting him (and often myself) off, and sexually frustrated because I prefer condom-free sex too and it’s literally being dangled onto me. How do I reinforce this boundary without killing the mood with accusatory forewarnings or by creating an air barrier between our bodies? Or should I just jump out of bed and into a cold shower once the condom comes off? Also, can you suggest the most pleasurable condom brand (preferably one that doesn’t leave a poison taste on genitals)?


Dear Unwrapping,

I am so very sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m especially sorry that man put his ungloved penis back inside you. There’s been debate about whether that counts as sexual assault or should be illegal in a slightly different way, but it is never OK to penetrate someone without protection against their wishes. It’s also never OK to penetrate someone with protection against their wishes, just in case anyone is wondering. Frankly, I’m not thrilled with the begging types either.

For my part, I like to catch my partner’s penis between my upper and lower leg (nestled behind my knee) if it gets too close to my genitals during a romp before the condom goes on or after it comes off. It’s a bit cheeky, but does tend to keep them from risking fluid exchange. Hands work too, as do elbows, mouths, or just kicking the dude out of bed and telling him to come back when he can approach you with respect for your boundaries. I’m not sure how you can reinforce a boundary that is being ignored without killing the mood. I do think some moods are worth killing.

I can’t suggest the most pleasurable condom brand because I’m not you, so I’m not sure what works for your body. I’m sensitive to latex, so I tend to use SKYN (disclosure, I’ve worked with the company in an advertising capacity) or other non-latex but still FDA-approved condoms if the guy has a problem with my preference. Flavored condoms are a gagfest for me, but you might prefer them to the normal taste. Get some sampler packs and try some new ones out.


I just...have my rape sirens blaring. You can't change the agreements of consent. This advice seems utterly horrendous.

Comments

[mommy]

If a guy can't be trusted to keep his dick wrapped after agreeing to use a condom, then he probably can't be trusted with much else, either. He's already proven himself a liar as well as someone who commits sexual assault, so boot him out of your life.

And yes, there were rape sirens going off while I was reading the letter, especially regarding the guy who just slipped his penis in without a word.

[movingfinger]

This "advice" isn't. WTF digression onto condom brands. She doesn't need to feel guilty and ashamed if he takes his condom off and she cancels sex. Booting him at that point is an act of self-respect.

The woman needs to hold her own line. If the condom comes off, sex is over. Say that at the outset and carry through. Condom-free genital-to-genital play should be taken off the menu, too, because that is a mixed signal; it's fun, but it is waaaaay to easy for "accidents" to ensue. Sure, she's put it inside her "comfort zone," but that is not working in the moment. Reserve it for trusted partners.

[shirou]

The columnist wrote about condom brands because the LW asked about them. Not really a digression. I also think the columnist is pretty clear that the LW is right to enforce her boundaries and that canceling sex is an appropriate and even necessary response.

The part about, uh, tactics for before the condom goes on is a bit of a digression, and maybe its inclusion detracts from the main point. HtDI often includes these kind of details, though.

[movingfinger]

Sorry, I had missed seeing that due to fury.

[cereta]

I know the LW says they know the risks, but I got my oldest niece from non-penetrive, condom-free, genital to genital contact. And that is the very dimmest of the alarm bells going off in this letter.

[kutsuwamushi]

I don't know how I feel about this.

I don't think that "kick the guy out" is advice that everyone would want. Men pulling this shit is so normalized. It can be hard to fight that and react appropriately to these kinds of everyday monstrosities; it's exhausting and alienating.

I guess what I mean is, the advice does need to take into account that a person might not choose to stop and kick him out. It also needs to respect that there are reasons for that, even if it's not the "right" choice. I think this is what the columnist was going for.

But they missed the mark, because they really do not seem to think it is as serious as it is (in terms of the act itself, what it tells you about the man, and the potential consequences for the LW). It makes me wonder how much everyday monstrosity that the columnist has also become accustomed to.

The LW seems to be asking what the "right" thing to do is, which is the perfect chance to emphasize that this is a serious violation. There's a statement that it's "never OK," but that really needed some more attention.

[melannen]

IDK, I see where the rage comes from, but in my reading of the letter, except for the one dude that they both agree was totally over the line, the men do seem to be abiding by her pre-established boundaries - she says "condoms are only needed for penetration", they abide by that - if they take the condom off, they stop the penetration. "This isn't working for me, can we try something else" is a fairly reasonable thing to say in a sexual encounter.

(I'm not really sure about the "begging for entry" thing because I'm not sure how you do P/V contact in away that wouldn't feel like that, at least a little? The problem may be as much her own feelings as the partners being passive-aggressive - it's hard to tell from the letter.)

The base problem seems to be that her stated boundary of "condoms only for penetration" isn't working for her anymore - when the condom comes off, she gets nervous and can't have fun anymore, partly because she knows once they get there she may agree (or even volunteer) to overstep her boundary. But she's too focused on that stated boundary to be willing to speak up when she's uncomfortable with things she's previously said would be okay.

So it seems like the solution is, change your negotiated boundary to "Condom goes on for penetration, and once it goes on, it doesn't come off, no changing your mind midstream." Or maybe something else - it sounds like she doesn't actually like sex with condoms much either, so maybe she needs to let that go and just accept the risk (since most of the risks are there from genital/genital contact anyway.)

Or: get more comfortable with saying "I know I said this was okay before, but it isn't sexy for me right now, can we do something else" - which her partners seem fine with saying! - and if he won't listen to that, it's not even a question of boundaries anymore, it's a question of him being too selfish to get her off.

But something like that, because the current boundary clearly isn't working for her even when her partners try to abide by it.

And also if you're not on backup birth control get on it immediately, risking STDs is one thing but you're just asking to get knocked up at this point and that's on more than just you. D:

She seems to have put a lot of thought into the original boundary, against a certain amount of pushback from other people, so she's probably built up a lot of justification around it and it's probably tough to think that it's a boundary that's not actually working for her. But it's not. And that's separate from if it's a "good" boundary in any wider sense.

[staranise]

This is a really smart take on it, IMO.

Kind of relatedly, I hear lambskin condoms really are worth their increased cost?

[melannen]

Yeah. I mean, there's something to be said for expecting the partners to notice she's uncomfortable and the low standards we have for men around that, but it sounds like she is giving an affirmative, verbal yes to every change (except with the one P-O-S, obviously), and that these partners might not know her well yet to read her very well, so I think it may actually be something she can work on fixing herself first.

...and I am 100% the wrong person for condom recs.

Though I've also heard rumours that certain cohorts of heterosexual men consistently use the wrong condom size and then complain that condoms are uncomfortable, so maybe better condom sizing for her partners is worth looking into?