More for the letter than the answer

[ysobel]

Dear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.

My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.

Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.

— Tire’d

Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.

What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.

I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”

Comments

[full_metal_ox]

Ever notice how “Life’s not fair” always seems to require the injured party to absorb the Asshole Tax?

(Not to mention that if the litterbug threw the bottle at LW, or even in their general direction, that could constitute assault!)

[heartexalted]

Ideally, the quip "life's not fair" would immediately be followed by "so, let's do our best to make it fairer!" Realistically, it's nearly always invoked as a "get out of accountability free" card; that is to say, something on the order of, "Life's not fair, so that gives me carte blanche to be UNfair!" :-(

[full_metal_ox]

(Image description: a four-panel Calvin and Hobbes strip.

Panel 1: Calvin to his dad: “Why can’t I stay up late? You guys can!”

Panel 2: Calvin: “IT’S NOT FAIR!”

Panel 3: Dad: “The world isn’t fair, Calvin.”

Panel 4: Calvin: “I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?”)

[minoanmiss]

I’m glad Eric got this one right

I hi k the caregiver needs a break. NOT as a reward but because he is dangerously lacking in enpathy for the LW and I think he may need to be able to regard them with fresh eyes.

[heartexalted]

agreed! 💯 I think the caregiver needs both a break and his "walking papers," so to speak; as much as I hate to recommend quoting Trump, I strongly feel like LW would do well to tell the caregiver, "You're Fired!" In addition to all of your (completely true) statements, I'm also inclined to consider the caregiver's victim-blaming and invalidation even a form of ableism?! Not so much the overt kind that "everyone knows" is terrible, but more so the subtle and insidious kinds which reinforce oppression and marginalization on a broader systemic level.

More generally, with very VERY few exceptions, the mere invocation of the word "overreacting" is itself pretty sus and usually a red flag, at best! :-(

[minoanmiss]

Hi!

Oh the caregiver is absolutely be g ableist. Also personally terrible.

[conuly]

FFS, even if LW was nonstop whining about it, this is the fucking job, Caregiver!

(And no, "I'm unable to move around for over three weeks because of littering" is not an unreasonable thing to be upset about.)

[azurelunatic]

Not to mention that the value of $200 to a disabled person with enough support needs to require a caregiver is probably not the same as that same dollar value to a TAB (who has a better chance of being able to work a well-paid job). It's the crip tax (more expenses, statistically lower earning power) as well as the asshole tax.