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ashbethttps://slate.com/human-interest/2021/01/should-i-get-vasectomy-care-and-feeding.html
"I’m Thinking About Getting a Vasectomy Against My Wife’s Wishes"
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the proud father of two awesome kids and I’m married to a great woman who is a wonderful mother. I am a lucky man; I know it. We’re a happy family. My issue (and I’m thankful it’s not something too serious) is that, while I love my children, I know to my very core that I don’t want any more. My wife doesn’t have the same clarity. I’m not sure if she actually wants a third, but I’ve brought up scheduling a vasectomy multiple times, and she won’t let me do it! She says it’s too final, that she’s not ready to “close that door.” But I kind of feel like the fact that I am definitely ready to close that door means it just needs to be closed, regardless of whether she wants that or not. But I see as I type it that that seems awful. Is it?
—Fertile in Fort Collins
Dear Fertile,
It’s kind of awful, yeah.
I’m not suggesting that you should have more children if you definitely don’t want to. I’m saying that if you mean to stay married to this great woman and continue to be a part of this happy family of four, it’s not your place to make the unilateral decision to close that door forever, because that’s not the way a healthy partnership with another human being works. If you and your wife ever get to the point where she feels certain she does want another child and you continue to be certain you don’t, that’s a different kind of discussion—and yes, that might be a marriage-ending one (at which point you would be free to do whatever the hell you want with your reproductive capacity). But at this point, if your wife isn’t ready to totally commit to two-and-done, you don’t get to pull the plug if she has already asked you not to.
I’ll add that she may be unready for that for reasons having nothing much to do with thinking she might want a third child. (I can tell you that I knew for sure I didn’t want a second, but even so, when I reached menopause, I cried just because the possibility was gone forever. It was not a rational reaction. But not every human reaction is.) It’s possible, too, that she’s thinking about how if something happened to the children you have, she’d want to have options. (I know this sounds morbid—and it may be this is why she isn’t spelling that out for you. Another morbid thought: Maybe she’s thinking that if something happened to her, she’d want you to have options with someone else.) Whatever it is that’s keeping her from going along with your plan, trust it. Be patient. Be supportive. And double down on birth control.
"I’m Thinking About Getting a Vasectomy Against My Wife’s Wishes"
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the proud father of two awesome kids and I’m married to a great woman who is a wonderful mother. I am a lucky man; I know it. We’re a happy family. My issue (and I’m thankful it’s not something too serious) is that, while I love my children, I know to my very core that I don’t want any more. My wife doesn’t have the same clarity. I’m not sure if she actually wants a third, but I’ve brought up scheduling a vasectomy multiple times, and she won’t let me do it! She says it’s too final, that she’s not ready to “close that door.” But I kind of feel like the fact that I am definitely ready to close that door means it just needs to be closed, regardless of whether she wants that or not. But I see as I type it that that seems awful. Is it?
—Fertile in Fort Collins
Dear Fertile,
It’s kind of awful, yeah.
I’m not suggesting that you should have more children if you definitely don’t want to. I’m saying that if you mean to stay married to this great woman and continue to be a part of this happy family of four, it’s not your place to make the unilateral decision to close that door forever, because that’s not the way a healthy partnership with another human being works. If you and your wife ever get to the point where she feels certain she does want another child and you continue to be certain you don’t, that’s a different kind of discussion—and yes, that might be a marriage-ending one (at which point you would be free to do whatever the hell you want with your reproductive capacity). But at this point, if your wife isn’t ready to totally commit to two-and-done, you don’t get to pull the plug if she has already asked you not to.
I’ll add that she may be unready for that for reasons having nothing much to do with thinking she might want a third child. (I can tell you that I knew for sure I didn’t want a second, but even so, when I reached menopause, I cried just because the possibility was gone forever. It was not a rational reaction. But not every human reaction is.) It’s possible, too, that she’s thinking about how if something happened to the children you have, she’d want to have options. (I know this sounds morbid—and it may be this is why she isn’t spelling that out for you. Another morbid thought: Maybe she’s thinking that if something happened to her, she’d want you to have options with someone else.) Whatever it is that’s keeping her from going along with your plan, trust it. Be patient. Be supportive. And double down on birth control.
