minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2021-11-09 03:32 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-11-09 03:32 pm
Entry tags:
How To Do It: I Made a Sex Suggestion to My Wife. I’ve Made a Very Big Mistake.
I made a sex suggestion that didn’t go over well with my wife, and now I’m trying to figure out how walk it back. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. During the height of the pandemic, we were both working from home, teaching our kids “school” from home, and it felt like we never even breathed separate air. It was exhausting, and at the end of the day, the idea of sex with her seemed like just more of the same. I wanted privacy.
We went through a dry spell where I masturbated a lot instead, using porn and fantasies to get off. During that time, I thought a lot about other women, mostly as novelty, although I never crossed any lines. As our jobs went back to normal, my wife confronted me about our dry spell, and I explained that we’d been cooped up together too much, and that I wanted to explore casually with other women, perhaps opening our marriage. She lost it, and jumped directly to “if you want to have sex with other women, we should get a divorce.” It’s been several weeks of icy behavior, and now I realize that I would rather have this marriage (with enough space to breathe, not like the pandemic) than more variety of sexual options, but I have no idea how to tell her this in a way that she’d believe.
—Oops
Stoya: This is a case of very poor timing.
Rich: It’s hard enough to undo socialization that holds up monogamy as the ideal, so this case shows how important packaging can be.
Stoya: And I don’t know any person who would take having “We’ve hit a dry spell” met with “that’s because I want to have sex with other women” well.
Rich: Totally. This conversation is best introduced when things are good or at least consistent in that realm with one’s partner.
Stoya: 100 percent agreed. And when there’s time to speak privately and dig into complicated stuff where people might have strong reactions—when everyone is well rested, well fed and hydrated, and generally in balance, not after we’ve all lived through the stress of a pandemic and things have already become strained.
Rich: I think something our writer failed to take into account his the wife’s own frustration with her own pandemic stress and lack of sex. So our writer just kind of tried her at a really bad point.
Stoya: It’s possible that instead of, “We’d been cooped up together too much, and that I wanted to explore casually with other women,” she heard: “I’m tired of you and want other people.” And I don’t fault her for that.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Every week, the team answers an extra question in chat form.
Dear How to Do It,
I made a sex suggestion that didn’t go over well with my wife, and now I’m trying to figure out how walk it back. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. During the height of the pandemic, we were both working from home, teaching our kids “school” from home, and it felt like we never even breathed separate air. It was exhausting, and at the end of the day, the idea of sex with her seemed like just more of the same. I wanted privacy.
We went through a dry spell where I masturbated a lot instead, using porn and fantasies to get off. During that time, I thought a lot about other women, mostly as novelty, although I never crossed any lines. As our jobs went back to normal, my wife confronted me about our dry spell, and I explained that we’d been cooped up together too much, and that I wanted to explore casually with other women, perhaps opening our marriage. She lost it, and jumped directly to “if you want to have sex with other women, we should get a divorce.” It’s been several weeks of icy behavior, and now I realize that I would rather have this marriage (with enough space to breathe, not like the pandemic) than more variety of sexual options, but I have no idea how to tell her this in a way that she’d believe.
ADVERTISEMENT
—Oops
Stoya: This is a case of very poor timing.
Rich: It’s hard enough to undo socialization that holds up monogamy as the ideal, so this case shows how important packaging can be.
Stoya: And I don’t know any person who would take having “We’ve hit a dry spell” met with “that’s because I want to have sex with other women” well.
Rich: Totally. This conversation is best introduced when things are good or at least consistent in that realm with one’s partner.
Stoya: 100 percent agreed. And when there’s time to speak privately and dig into complicated stuff where people might have strong reactions—when everyone is well rested, well fed and hydrated, and generally in balance, not after we’ve all lived through the stress of a pandemic and things have already become strained.
Rich: I think something our writer failed to take into account his the wife’s own frustration with her own pandemic stress and lack of sex. So our writer just kind of tried her at a really bad point.
Stoya: It’s possible that instead of, “We’d been cooped up together too much, and that I wanted to explore casually with other women,” she heard: “I’m tired of you and want other people.” And I don’t fault her for that.
Subscribe to the How to Do It Podcast
Get free episodes now, wherever you listen.
This week’s episode: “I’ve noticed something strange about my well-endowed lover…”
VIEW TRANSCRIPT
Rich: Conveying the concept of retaining love for a person while being open to sex with others is often tough when the feeling isn’t mutual. What do you think is the path forward for our writer?
Stoya: I’m not super motivated to be gentle with oblivious men. Maybe it’s the clinical PMS, maybe my patience is wearing thin. My assessment is that if he has a chance of fixing this, he’s going to have to prove, over and over, that he values this marriage.
To start, one thing he can do is craft and deliver an actual apology. Here’s a checklist: What you did, the harm it caused, concrete actions you will take to repair the situation and prevent reoccurrence.
Rich: I agree. I think this is a matter of showing and not telling. He can revisit their conversation by affirming his commitment, and that he doesn’t want to get a divorce, and then he’s going to have to prove it.
Stoya: But not like, prove it for a week. Prove it over and over again. Opening up the relationship is a dream he’s going to have to let go of for a long time, likely measured in years.
Rich: One thing harder than convincing someone that you love that sex with other people will not affect your relationship is rebuilding trust. He has a lot of work to do.
I think it’s also important to note that our writer wasn’t thinking about what was going on in his wife’s head at the time and her various pandemic-related issues, and that he is now considering her. That’s a start. Now he has to show his work.
no subject
One of the most important axioms I learned is "do not add new people to fix a problem in a primary/monogamous relationship".
I want to print that on a piece of cardboard, staple it to a board, and smack LW upside his damn head with it.
(And put on the other side of the board "My wife is a sapient being with an inner life which I should consider when contemplating suggesting changes to our marriage."
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
cackles
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Strangely, there's a nonpoly variant of the "Relationship broken, add more people" square where a couple thinks that having a baby together will fix their relationship.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I was wondering whether that topic was going to come up, because I've seen that dynamic more than once.
no subject
no subject
He must work hard on building trust back, yes, and I think that the next thing he says after his apology should be that he wants to go into marriage counseling solo and with her to improve their communication. In daily life, he needs to 110% visibly commit himself to their family and start centering his thoughts and emotions on his real, present wife. However---when the letter was written, it had already been "several weeks" and this situation does not improve with time. His wife has had that time to think about it, to consider the possibility of life without him, and to look for advice of her own.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject