How to Do it: I feel my wife is not as accomplished as she thinks she is.

[minoanmiss]

Actual title below cut.

My Wife Says She’s Always Been Told She’s Great at Oral Sex. Uh …



Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my partner for eight years (two of them married). Like most men, I enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving, but in our relationship, this is very rare (receiving). I have had previous partners who I have really enjoyed getting oral from and from speaking to my partner she has said that before we got together she used to get compliments when she gave oral. The truth is as much as I enjoy receiving oral, I just don’t enjoy it with her. Over the years that we have been together, I give her oral a lot more than she has given me oral. What can I do to approach this subject without upsetting her?

—Curious Husband

Dear Curious,

I’m not sure I understand what you’re after here. You want more oral sex but you don’t like the way your partner gives it to you? The one-two of “I want more oral, but I also want you to change the way you do it” is a pretty tough combination. Despite this, I think it’s better to address both at the same time. The fact that you’ve been together for eight years and don’t seem to have mentioned wanting your partner to change her tactics means this discussion will probably be a surprise for her. Best to get everything out in the open all at once.

I have some bad news. There’s no way to guarantee that your wife won’t be upset. You can absolutely set yourself up for success by owning your lack of communication with something like, “I didn’t know how to broach this subject with you, so I didn’t, and now I need to express that I want more oral than I’ve been getting and I want it done differently than your usual approach.” Or, “If I’d communicated earlier, I might have been getting the kind of oral I want this whole time.” You’ll also want to have specific suggestions. Do you want more suction? More spit? A stronger squeezing of the shaft? Be prepared to tell her exactly what you’d like her to do.

As always, choose your time wisely. Do you have enough time to cover the subject and work through any big emotions? Make sure everyone’s biological needs have been taken care of—nobody needs to go to the bathroom, the room is comfortable, and nobody needs to eat. Start by marking your commitment to the relationship and love for her. Good luck.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Be prepared to tell her exactly what you’d like her to do.

I liked this part of the advice, and would probably expand on it if I got to talk to him. This letter reminds me of cooking and eating. Often people will just say of food that it's "good" or "bad" and it can be a bit of a job to get them to think in more detail in order to extract more detailed reports from them. But our experience of food is made up of details. Is this mac and cheese salty, creamy, even spicy? Does it have a contrasting crunchy topping? Does it have chunks of lobster which overcooked and turned rubbery? Does it have chunks of broccoli which are tender-crisp and work well with the cheese?

Details, man, details.

[ashbet]

Yes!!! Don’t say “I think you’re bad at this, I don’t enjoy it when you go down on me” (the infrequency is likely because the LW’s wife could tell that he wasn’t super into it, and she may have thought he preferred not to do it.)

Specificity is so important — giving a negative response is going to be harder to receive than asking for what you DO want, in as much detail as you can offer.

(And if you’re unsure exactly what those details are, other than “not like this,” it’s an opening to say “I’d like to experiment with this activity, and give you feedback about what feels good to me.”)

[cereta]

Dammit, woman, do not use food metaphors when I'm stuck at work with a seriously depleted cafeteria.

[minoanmiss]

ahahahaha

emails you some shrimp cocktail

[ashbet]

I wish that people felt safer communicating with their partners about things like this — there is no universal “amazing technique” that works on everyone’s body, sexual response is very individual, and it’s not actually a criticism to ask for what feels good to you.

No one is a mind-reader — I thanked a partner who I’d been with for quite some time, when they asked if I’d stay really slow and gentle during an activity where most people tend to increase speed/intensity toward the end, because it was overstimulating FOR THEM.

That frankness allowed me to be a better lover and partner to *this individual person*, because I wasn’t going to argue that other people liked it another way, and opened up a lot of leisurely, non-orgasm-chasing play that we both really enjoyed.

I genuinely am grateful that my partner gave me the info I needed to make sex better for both of us.

(We always had an excellent and mutually-enjoyable sex life, this just made it even better, because I had the info I needed on what felt best for this particular activity.)

And I’m someone who has gotten overall very complimentary feedback on being “good in bed,” but part of that is a willingness to be open to talking about it without shame, and being open to change without bruising my ego.

I hope the LW can broach this gently and frame it in positive terms, and that their partner takes it in the spirit of open communication and mutually improving their sex life as a couple.

[movingfinger]

"Best to get everything out in the open all at once."

Why would this be a good idea? It seems cruel, especially since LW has been sitting there comparing her unfavorably to previous partners. She thinks she has been making her partner happy, and has some self-image issues around how well she does that. Why cut that down in one blow, except as retaliation or worse?

LW doesn't have to say anything about the quality or quantity of oral sex they've had previously. LW can speak up in the moment with guidance, and not all at once, and give her direct feedback on what feels good. There, not that spot, a little higher, harder, etc.

As for the give and get imbalance, which LW is also cherishing, well, 69 is a thing people do.

[ysobel]

...my dude, you can state personal preferences or suggest changes without insulting your partner

you don't have to say "haha you're worse than you think", especially when part of the problem is she's not a mind reader and you didn't give her information needed to match your needs

hell you can even do a "lets experiment with new things"! for both of you!

[kindkit]

Why does he even have to mention the past or her supposed overestimation of her skills at all? Why not just say, "Hey, you know what I'd really love tonight? Oral where you do [whatever it is he's wanting, specifically]."

Maybe I'm cynical, but the letter sounds a bit like he's looking for an excuse to hurt her feelings.

[serriadh]

It sounds a bit to me as though he wants to tell her, so then she'll get it right. It might take a bit more work and experimentation than that. Usually I'm in favour of actually talking about things, but in this case I don't see why he can't start by mentioning he'd like oral and then move on to 'I'm getting really turned on by the thought of you doing [specific thing/technique], would you be up for trying that?' and then encouragement/redirection (a bit higher/harder/softer). He should also be prepared that there might be ways she can't be better. It's really tricky to make yourself produce less saliva, or train away your gag reflex, etc.

[lavendertook]

That his first focus is on his feeling she has an inflated sense of her oral skills bodes poorly for his communicating what it is he wants without hurting her. Is he mad she bragged about her skill with other people? May that be affecting how he feels about the oral sex she is performing on him? Can he get this thorn out of his privates before approaching her to talk about what he wants from her --because that’s the only way such a talk will actually work and have any positive outcome.

Is she a braggart on other things and is that ebcoming an issue for you? Can you remember the context in which she imparted this info? Did it have anything to do with anything you said? Are you aware we have a culture that doesn’t reward women for expressing sexual prowess? Could being a member of this culture be affecting your negative feelings about her comment --yes negative, your need to contradict and dismiss her statement with your experience is a desire to negate. You may need a therapist to help with these issues you are having with her expression of confidence before approaching your wife for a talk about her oral sex techniques and what you want.

[feldman]

These are all excellent questions, and I thank you for helping me articulate what I only felt as unease.

(after six years did he think marriage would unlock another level on fellatio?)

[minoanmiss]

Oh wow I didn't notice the thread of disapproval of / issues with his wife's sex life at all. Good catch.

[azurelunatic]

This! There is definitely more to this than This Guy Doesn't Know How To Tell His Wife He'd Like Different Things Than They're Currently Doing

(also with a side of, "This is terrible! I need more immediately!")

[melannen]

...okay that's not what I expected from that headline. :P

LW, you need to work on expressing what it is you want, clearly and unambiguously. I can't even tell from this letter what your actual problem that you need advice for is. Work on that (maybe work up to the sex stuff, since you don't seem to have the skill in general) and you'll get there in the end.

[minoanmiss]

snerk