Dear Abby: Loveless marriage

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: The wedding night I had dreamed about forever was supposed to be the most romantic and amazing of my life with the one person I can't live without. Instead, it was the most humiliating experience I have ever had. I dressed in a beautiful negligee, and my husband didn't even take a second look at me. I was so embarrassed, I rolled over and pretended to fall asleep. That was my big night, the one night I'll never get again.

This same man brags about the sexual encounters he had with his ex-wife, cyber sex and his 13-hour sexathon. When I try to touch him, he seems repulsed and pulls away. My heart can't take the never-ending rejection and the nights of crying because I don't know what I have done wrong.

The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure he has never even noticed. Even an intimate kiss would be enough for me now. I dream of a man who loves me so much he stares at me from across the room, who can't wait to get his hands on me even if it's just for a second. Unfortunately, that's not my marriage. Don't I deserve happiness? And will this ever change? -- UNTOUCHED IN TEXAS

DEAR UNTOUCHED: Of course you deserve happiness. But nothing will change until you start asking questions and demand answers. The only thing you have done "wrong" is to have tolerated the status quo.

Has it occurred to you that your husband has been lying to you about his sexual exploits? He may be impotent, gay, or so hooked on cyber porn that there is nothing left for you. Make it your business to find out. Ask him. And if he isn't forthcoming, talk with his ex-wife. If your marriage was never consummated, you may be entitled to an annulment.

Comments

[cereta]

Preface: This is very obviously a situation in which knowing more would be a really, REALLY big help. Were they at all intimate before the marriage? Like, even kissing? If not, why? Religious beliefs? The LW's choice? The groom's? Did you talk at all about intimacy before the marriage? But I'm going to try to forge a response based on what we have.

Just based on this narrative, one thing seems clear: you are not going to get what you want from this man. I'm not saying things couldn't change, but I don't see a man going from the state you describe to the passion you want. Even if there were a medical issue involved (which is possible), he is not behaving as if he wants the same passionate marriage you dream of. Again, could be wrong. He may be asexual, but has bought into the macho image of a Real Man being sex on wheels, and is too embarrassed to talk about it with you. But this is not something that seems likely to change overnight.

Also, be cautious about that annulment. It may well be the best thing, but depending on any number of factors, it may leave you with fewer resources than a divorce. Talk to a good family law attorney.

[ambyr]

This is just really sad. Hard to say more than that.

I do think the conflation between "love" and "physical intimacy" here isn't helping (and that's speaking as someone who really values sex). Does he do other things that signal his love for her? I have to assume the answer is "yes," because if there's really nothing--no tender words, no acts of service, no gifts, no quality time--then I don't understand how they got to the point of marriage in the first place.

[cereta]

That's where I fall up short, because the only situation in which I can see that happening is one of those uber-Christian courtships or other "arranged" marriages, but there's nothing in the letter that indicates this, and I feel like the discussion of his past sex life would be worded differently in that situation. I can only guess that (a) he wanted to be married to cover something else up and (b) she has so romanticized marital intimacy that she was wearing very opaque blinders through the whole courtship. But there's no angle from which it makes much sense.

[ambyr]

Yeah. I just don't know how to mesh a relationship in which they were apparently waiting for marriage to have sex with one in which he "brags" about (presumably non-marital?) cyber sex. (In what context would you brag about cyber sex, anyway? I am baffled; it seems a little like bragging about masturbation. But okay, whatever.)

I guess one hypothesis I can put forward is that she is ultra-religious and he is not, and he has a bit of a Madonna/whore complex going on / assumes her (lack of) interest in premarital sex represents her interest level in sex, period. And since she (apparently) isn't telling him, "Hey, can we bang tonight?" he thinks he is doing the right thing by respecting her purity or whatever.

But man, I cannot imagine the level of not-talking they've apparently got going there.

(eta: And the fact that Abby jumped straight to "he might be impotent or gay!" and skipped past "...well, have you tried USING YOUR WORDS and asking him if he'd like to have sex?" is, well. Oh, Abby, bless your heart.)

[recessional]

The LW's wording is totally perfect to evoke that response, though, which is why as I note below it pings a lot of my " . . . I am not sure I can trust ANY detail of this version of this situation". I mean there's nothing to confirm or deny that either! But, well. Let's just say I've known enough of the wrong kind of people and I can basically hear this letter in their voices.

[recessional]

It's hard even to know where to start. Other than "therapy. So much therapy, right now. Couples AND solo, because the part where you haven't said anything etc indicates a fairly pathological lack of ability to communicate needs that is probably messing up quite a bit of your life, even apart from this."

(Not so much because therapy is "magic wand" as everything about this letter says to me the need of a hopefully-trained, hopefully-impartial observer/mediator/translator because, like. That's just . . . *waves hands at it*)

But yeah. Oigh.

[cereta]

Basically, yes.

[recessional]

Like for me personally some of the wording the LW uses is potentially a HUGE screaming passive-aggressive red flag of "everything this person is saying is being distorted through their Issues so even if the situation is in fact bad this account is just not reliable", but there's not enough context to even say that with certainty or if she's just prone to lilac prose, and just . . . *waves hand* when it's THAT opaque, "hire a trained professional moderator/translator/etc aka therapist" is really the only thing to do.

(And god above don't try to make one of your friends do it for free. x.x)

[neotoma]

I feel like the LW would benefit from reading the archives at Captain Awkward, and then Using Her Words.

Yes, there are a hosts of reasons that might be why he is not interested in having sex with her, but *asking* seems the first step. Therapy seems the second, because if they are both so bad about talking to each other, they're going to need an intermediary. And quite probably, divorce or annulment is going to be the third step.

I'm just baffled that they got the point of marrying without at least discussing sex, given that he has talked about his previous sex life...

Otoh, I'm not so happy that 'nonsexual' equals 'loveless' here -- way to disappear romantic asexuals. At least, I'm hoping that there was some sort of romantic relationship when they decided to get married, because otherwise, wtf? Were they just looking for tax benefits?