How to Do It: My Girlfriend Is Taking Away My Bodily Autonomy...

[minoanmiss]

...by Making Me Wear a Condom

Since the Dobbs ruling, my partner has been justifiably outraged and upset, as have I. We are fortunate enough to live in one of the most liberal states in the nation, and abortion rights are not currently threatened here.

Just after the ruling, my partner and I had a discussion about our birth control options—she is not currently on any form of birth control, and I am not either. She has a condition that makes getting pregnant extremely unlikely for her, so we use a combination of condoms and pulling out.

Until recently, we would begin intercourse without condoms, and then I would either put one on before finishing or I would pull out. We have had a great sex life, and no pregnancy scares. Since the ruling, though, my partner decided that she wants me to wear a condom every time we have sex for the entire duration of the sex. I will pause here to say that because she is the partner who is capable of getting pregnant, she unambiguously gets to unilaterally decide what type of birth control is acceptable to her. I have told her that as soon as non-surgical male birth control options become available, I will try them, and I am excited to, but those are still possibly years off. She has also urged me to get a vasectomy many times, which I’ve repeatedly told her I’m quite uncomfortable with.

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This change has greatly damaged our sex life. After years of having incredible sex, I’ve been struggling to switch back to using condoms this way, and we have both been enjoying sex significantly less, partly because I often lose my erection when I’m wearing a condom. I feel that this is her way of trying to make me understand how it feels to have bodily autonomy taken away by someone else.

In having these thoughts, I can’t help but feel monstrous for thinking so much about my own pleasure. Nonetheless, we have not had enjoyable sex in weeks, when we used to have it almost every day, and I fear this is eroding at our relationship. Can I talk to her about my wishes to use a condom less, or would that be extremely insensitive, and should I just adapt to this new, less satisfying sex life?

—Struggling With Condoms

Dear Struggling,

Firstly, you’re not a monster. You’re allowed to crave and pursue pleasure on your terms, and you’re allowed to feel bad for people who have lost freedoms and the ability to have sex on their terms as a result of our politicized Supreme Court. Multiple things can be true at the same time. Here, they in fact are.

I think a conversation about sexual dissatisfaction with a compassionate partner is a reasonable thing to have, provided you approach with the right tone and timing. If you want to set yourself up for success, though, you’ll try a little harder before pushing back on her request.

Different condoms yield different sensations, so you can try different sizes, levels of thinness, and materials (there’s latex, lambskin, and plastic) before deciding these aren’t for you. You can also take an ED med before sex—you might not think you “need” boner pills and maybe you don’t technically, but some assistance could be useful for staying hard (even if it’s largely psychological and what keeps you hard is the lack of anxiety over going soft that a pill can foster). You have every right to refuse a vasectomy but I’m curious about why. There is, after all, a chance of reversal should you change your mind (the likelihood depends on how far out you are from the original procedure). Your vas deferens, your choice, but if you have a vague notion of discomfort regarding undergoing the procedure, you might want to work through that at least to something more concrete. It’ll give you a better leg to stand on in a conversation, at any rate.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

That title is a little more clickbaity than the guy deserved (though his preemptive self flagellation is obvious and kind of entertaining). Any troubleshooting advice?

[xenacryst]

I've not had first hand experience, but the typical advice for losing an erection when putting on a condom is, try a condom that isn't so tight.

But also, as someone who has had a significantly more invasive surgical procedure done in that part of my anatomy in the hopes of increasing our chances at pregnancy, my words are "get over yourself!" Vasectomy is a very quick, very simple, outpatient procedure. My friend does several a day. Don't enter a caber tossing competition the next day, and you'll do fine, and in a month you'll forget it happened. I'm pretty well convinced that men who are against vasectomies for themselves are mostly not acting out of legitimate fear of surgery but more out of the supposed sanctity of the scrotal sac.

[lilysea]

I've not had first hand experience, but the typical advice for losing an erection when putting on a condom is, try a condom that isn't so tight.

A previous partner of mine had this issue, and Family Planning recommended female condoms, which worked well.

Female condoms are inserted into the vagina before sex.

They should be much more widely known - they're a good product for a lot people.

The main downsides are

a) more expensive than male condoms

b) harder to find - you may need to buy them from Family Planning, or order online.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-condoms/

[jadelennox]

On the one hand, he's probably not responsible for the title. On the other hand, his response to being told to wear a condom as a condition of PIV sex is

I feel that this is her way of trying to make me understand how it feels to have bodily autonomy taken away by someone else.

And, like, what do they teach them in these schools?

If you're having sex of a sort that produces children, and you don't want children, then you should be taking steps to prevent pregnancy no matter what the abortion laws are where you live. And "pull out" and "rhythm" are not steps to prevent pregnancy. I understand that sex ed is terrible in a lot of places, but the internet exists, you should know this stuff, LW!

xenacryst is correct that LW should get over himself and research vasectomies. But if he doesn't want one, and he wants to keep sticking his penis in a vagina, then he needs to wrap that eggplant up. (I almost said "wrap that motherfucker" but the point is that he doesn't under any circumstances want the penis to be a motherfucker!)

Telling someone that a pre-condition for PIV sex is condoms is not taking away your bodily autonomy, LW, it is both (1) the basic rule of living in society that you should have learned before you left middle school, and (2) a choice you have been offered, like "no shirt, no shoes, no service" or "a swimcap must be worn in the pool."

[lethe1]

his response to being told to wear a condom as a condition of PIV sex is

I feel that this is her way of trying to make me understand how it feels to have bodily autonomy taken away by someone else.

That was the line that stood out to me too. What??

[ambyr]

I feel like some “stop defining PIV as the only form of sex” advice might have been helpful here.

[harpers_child]

This is what I was going to say.

[jadelennox]

yeah, definitely. Either full on non-PIV, or, like, go down on each other for a while and then finish with condom-wearing PIV.

(Unless Girlfriend is demanding only PIV (eg. she dislikes fellatio or mutual masturbation) in which case, it's still not a violation of his bodily autonomy but it's more reasonable for him to be stumped.)

(I wonder if they're incredibly young. Sex almost every day usually implies "extremely young and possibly unemployed" to me, just in terms of the amount of energy it takes, although I know there are always outliers.)

[sathari]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So much this.

[topaz_eyes]

They do need to talk about this, because to me it seems like he at least subconsciously thinks she's overreacting (since they live in a place where abortion rights aren't threatened). It seems that the GF is not happy about this either, but pulling out is way riskier than condoms and she's no longer willing to accept that risk.

This isn't about LW's bodily autonomy. I think LW has to work through his underlying resentment first, that his girlfriend no longer allows PIV sex the way he likes and is accustomed to which was sans condom for the most part). It's good that he understands why that is, and is largely sympathetic, but his resentment is showing up in their sex life. If that's not resolved, it could lead to him trying to get around her decision.

(As an aside, the Supreme Court of Canada recently ruled that consent to sex with a condom does not include consent to sex without a condom.)

[ethelmay]

Various unanswered questions here. Does either of them want to preserve fertility? Is she not able to use any form of birth control? (Doubling up would be ideal if neither can be sterilized.) (Well, actually I think her dumping the LW is ideal, but if she hasn't yet, it may take a while.)

Also, are they using lube? Makes condom-ed sex not only more comfortable, but safer, as the condom is less likely to break.

[lilysea]

Sadly, it is a lot harder to get a tubal ligation than it is to get a vasectomy.

Drs will happily give a person with a penis who is under 30 a vasectomy

but tell people with a uterus under 30 "you're too young to know your own mind! Come back at age 35 or age 40!"

Getting a tubal ligation as a woman age 30-39 requires A LOT of shopping around - there are actually internet forums where people share the names of doctors who will help.

[ethelmay]

True. And of course the advice isn't for her anyway.

[conuly]

Listen, LW, if you sincerely think your girlfriend's firm and hard "no glove, no love" boundary is some weirdly passive-aggressive way to teach you a lesson about bodily autonomy, then break up with her. Either she is, in which case it's for your own good to find somebody who communicates in a more healthy way or she isn't, in which case she deserves a chance to be with somebody who respects her enough not to make wildly paranoid assumptions about her motivations.

I'm thinking the latter is more likely, but hey, you never know!

[green_grrl]

She hasn’t gone full Lysistrata on him—he needs to get the f over himself.

[azurelunatic]

Dude. Dude! Contemplate the idea of working in a job where you are required to perform a business process absolutely correctly. No excuses, no help, no cross-checks, and if you've made an error it doesn't become apparent for at least a month or two. The penalty for screwing up used to be an extremely uncomfortable chewing-out. Now the contract has been changed on you, and your only hope of getting out of it is to make an expensive move that you really don't want to make, before you make your first mistake. The new contract specifies that if you get the business process wrong, you spend the next three business quarters undergoing escalating physical and mental torture, plus you get fined in the neighborhood of $234,000 broken up unevenly over the next 18 years.

You might be slightly more inclined to ask for help with the business process after that change.

[lassarina]

This is such a good analogy, though (because lolsob US healthcare) I was expecting the $234k fine to be just the three business quarters.

[azurelunatic]

I forgot about the fine for the error under the original contact: up to about $750-ish, plus travel costs and missed work lost income.

The new fines in the first nine months are $12,000-30,000-ish.