How to Do it: Husband Pushed Me Into A Sex Contract I Want Out Of

[minoanmiss]

I’m growing more resentful every day.


Several months ago, during a rough patch in my relationship, I finally got the nerve to tell my partner that I have always hated performing oral sex and that it hurts my jaw to do so. That made things even worse—threats of separation came flying. I was told that they will not go forever without it, and that I needed to figure it out. Under threat of separation, I said I’d do it once a month. Despite my partner knowing how I feel, they predictably beg for it at the beginning of every month. I’m having a hard time not getting angry and resentful that they have no problem making me feel like I have to do something I hate. If I say no, I get the silent treatment with the occasional begging for it until I give in. Afterward, I’m pissed at them for making me feel like I have no choice and myself for doing something I know I don’t want to do. Every time they beg, I try offering sex instead, which they turn down. What do I do here?

— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Imagine a future in which this pressure, conflict, coercion, and resentment is just the way things are. Without any effort to change things on either side, that’s what you’re looking at. Is this worth putting up with? Sounds shitty to me! Partly as a tactic and partly out of curiosity, I would ignore them the next time your partner throws their grown-up temper tantrum. Try not giving in and see where that gets you. Just don’t do that thing you hate. In theory, I understand where your partner is coming from—oral sex is great, and I too would have a hard time imagining life without it. But your firm no overrides their entitlement.

Is opening the relationship so that they can get the oral sex they crave an option? If not, you may be looking at even harder choices. Many people feel self-conscious about ending a relationship over sex; we regularly hear from letter writers who think it would seem superficial or silly to do so. Your letter illustrates how what might appear initially as an issue concerning sex actually has many ramifications. The primary one, as I see it, is you and your body are not being respected. If a partner is comfortable treating you that way over sex, I’d bet that they’re comfortable treating you that way in other contexts. That’s not the kind of situation I’d want to be in. If nothing changes, will you?

Comments

[minoanmiss]

When trying to break a contract, consult a lawyer.

DTMFA, LW. DTMFA, please.

[jadelennox]

the columnist is insufficiently DTMFA, even if they;re being gentle.: this is a job for the whole partner disposal service.

If this were a normal disagreement, where partner just wants oral sex and it's starting to be a relationship issue, there are negotiations that can take place. Hell, Dan Savage-of-old would tell LW to explore polyamory or GTFO in that circumstance. A sex therapist might be able to help LW explore different ways of giving oral sex, or help the couple come up with equally satisfactory options.

But that's not what's going on here. This is "I was told that they will not go forever without it, and that I needed to figure it out", which is sexual coercion, abusive behaviour, and utter bullshit. There's no fixing this, if that sentence is accurate; partner needs to be yeeted into the sun.

Re: DTMFA, LW. DTMFA, please.

[resonant]

I would bet real money that this guy's actual endgame is to wear her down until she agrees to stay married but accept nonmonogamy.

[oursin]

Is that a threat or a promise of separation? 'I’m having a hard time not getting angry and resentful that they have no problem making me feel like I have to do something I hate' Do, dearie: DO get angry and resentful. You don't just dislike it, it's painful.

[conuly]

LW, whatever you think you're getting out of this relationship, it cannot be worth it.

[green_grrl]

Just the title made me go, “Eeeeeeeew!” The letter did not make me change my opinion.

[azurelunatic]

What's the worst thing that happens if they decide to separate? Game this out with yourself, a trusted friend, and a lawyer. What would your ideal life without them look like?

In my world, "sex contracts" are for pretendy-funtime games where if you break a rule you get a fun and mutually agreeable "punishment". Not for one partner coercing the other into doing something that is fun for exactly one person.

[castiron]

I have on occasion told Spouse that something he was doing during sex was hurting me. You know what he did? He stopped, and we found something else that was mutually enjoyable.

LW and her partner need to separate.

[swingandswirl]

Whole partner (although my bet is that LW's partner is a dude) disposal service, stat.

[minoanmiss]

I kinda want to put this disposal through the chipper without sedation. I just... a leonine contract of compelled unwanted sex acts. I cannot EVEN.

[jerusha]

I want to know if the partner is giving oral sex. Even if he is, it's a fucking dickhead move, but I would really like to know if I hate him (I'm assuming it's a him) 100% or 1000%. Either way, though, this is a DTMFA moment for the sexual coercion.

[xenacryst]

Hi, LW, I want to start with what HTDI should have started with: you are being sexually abused.

Actually, I'm just gonna stop right there. I mean, you can go to therapy on your own if you want to, but I don't see a future with an abuser.

Dear HTDI: when someone comes to you with clear evidence of sexual abuse, this is how you respond? By some kind of wishy washy imagine a future oh this sounds kind of unpleasant you might want to think about changing a few things here or there? Really? I mean, I understand wanting to softpedal the introduction of them being abused because a lot of victims will not want to admit it to themselves, but for flying fucks sake, you barely even mention the concept sideways. Get out.