Dear Amy: why do women lie about not wanting to have sex?

[cereta]

Dear Amy: When two people meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, “I am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you better”?

That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, it’s unthinkable that they would say to him, “I’m not that kind of girl.”

Every woman is “that kind of girl” with a select few men under the right circumstances. When women say this, what they actually mean is, “I am not that kind of girl with you.”

Why can’t they just say the following: “I have enjoyed our evening, and, although I appreciate your sexual attraction toward me, I do not feel the same way; however, I wish you well in your future endeavors.”

What is wrong with saying something as honest and as heartfelt as that?

I call women on this all the time on dates, and they are speechless, because they know I have caught them in a lie. Suffice to say, I have no interest in a second date, and I move on.

I find this line of thinking disingenuous. Any thoughts?

Sam from Los Angeles

Sam from Los Angeles: If you approached this with more respectful humility and less angry swagger, you might — just possibly — get lucky. Maybe that’s how George Clooney does it.

You are probably correct that when women tell you “I’m not that kind of girl,” they are being disingenuous. They are politely trying to let you off the hook by giving you a version of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” You respond to this politeness by aggressively calling them out, immediately letting these women know they made the right choice. Whew!

And, by the way, many women are in fact “not those kinds of girls.” These are people who wait to know someone before they become sexually intimate. This wisdom protects them from complicated encounters with people like you.

If you anticipate every first date expecting sex after dinner, you should tell the woman beforehand, not after. Then she can turn you down in advance and save both of you the price of a meal.

Comments

[cereta]

Oh, God, where to begin.

Believe it or not, there are people who genuinely wouldn't have sex with anyone on a few hours' acquaintance. There are even men who feel that way!

Even if they would, it doesn't mean that they want to have sex with you after a few hours' acquaintance. It could be you, it could be circumstances, it could be how they are feeling about sex right then. No one owes you sex, no matter what their present, past, or future sexual practices have been. Internalize that last sentence.

What exactly do you think you are gaining by "calling them on it"? Dude, if nothing else, word will eventually get around that you're a douche.*

I kind of doubt that the reason they are speechless is because you have "caught them in a lie."

If what you want is immediate sex, go to an online dating service and put it on your profile. There are women who want the same thing. Whether or not they'll want to have immediate sex with you (see above re: douche) is another matter. Or you could, you know, do some self-reflection and work to make yourself the kind of person women will want to have sex with at all.

*Which is to say, unnecessary, bad for women, and something the patriarchy says we need.

[left_turns]

Yeah, sugar pie, they ain't speechless for the reason you think they're speechless.

This just reeks so much of Nice Guy to me. Why don't women phrase "no thank you" like they're an HR department writing to tell someone that they didn't get the job? Be...because humans don't talk like that, honey. And you're not owed best wishes in your future scoring.

[redbird]

Saying something like what the letter writer is complaining about can also be a filtering mechanism: the kind of man whose reaction to "I'm not going to have sex with you tonight because I don't know you well enough" is anger, is one of the reasons why a lot of people don't think it's a good idea to have sex with near-strangers.

[xenacryst]

Speechless. Hrm. Well, you got me speechless for a few moments there, and I'm not even a woman you wanted to have sex with! Calling people out for anything when you're on a date with them is callous to begin with; calling them out for not wanting to have sex with you ... well, let's just say that I'm surprised that "speechless" is all you've gotten in response. I'd be tempted to slap you. Hard. Repeatedly. Oh, what's that? You're not that kind of man? So sorry.

[neotoma]

This guy is exactly the kind of guy people people use the 'soft no' on for fear of him turning violent.

I'm glad Amy didn't let him slide.