How To Do It: Problem With [redacted]

[minoanmiss]

This one is explicit.

I’m having a problem with anal sex and my husband. A few years ago, I unexpectedly gave my husband anal while having sex. He loved it so much, and I loved that I could turn him on that way. But ever since then, he wants it all the time. I kind of thought it was a once-in-a-while thing. We’ve been having this same argument now for a few years on and off. I’ve told him over and over “no,” but he still tries any chance he can get. He will lay off for a day or so, but it seems that’s all he thinks about.

I’d much rather have him in my vagina—it seems so distant, no closeness, when we do have anal sex. He once said he wants something different in bed, to spice it up because we’ve been together for 13 years. I get that, but I just don’t want anal sex. I feel it takes too much out of me mentally to prepare for him to go there. It hurts, and even lube doesn’t make it feel good. And he watches porn and thinks he can just ram it in and do it the same as vaginal sex. It’s a slow process for me, and sometimes I’m sore after, sometimes I bleed, sometimes I’m constipated. It hurts and when he gets close to ejaculating he won’t stop, and therefore my rectum tears sometimes. I’ve told him all this, but he still wants it.

Is it normal for him to not listen to me and what I want or don’t want? Should I just let him have it whenever he wants it? I tell him no all the time—I say no, but I don’t want to flat out say no. He seems to think he should get it once a week. I finally asked him if he’s gay. He was offended, and now intimacy is gone. Sometimes he’d rather not have sex at all, it seems, if he can’t have anal. Does it mean he’s gay?

—No More Please

Dear No More Please,

No, your husband’s taste for anal does not mean he’s gay.

Now that that’s out of the way, he’s also pushy, rude, and potentially assaulting you if, when “he gets close to ejaculating,” “he won’t stop.” He’s hurting you, and you’ve told him you don’t want this. He isn’t going to lay off the anal on his own. You’re going to have to find that no inside yourself and put it to use. You say you say no but you don’t want to “flat out say no.” You’re going to have to do the latter if you want these anal aspirations to end—be as blunt with him as you were with me.

Practice in the mirror. Start with “No.” Say it out loud until you’re comfortable. Imagine your husband instead of your reflection. Move on to “No, I don’t want your penis in my ass.” Say it until you feel firm and strong. Get ready to say it to your husband.

I think many would read this letter as you sent it and implore you to leave your husband immediately. But I’m not the one in the relationship; I’m not hearing about the parts of the relationship that work, and I haven’t built a whole life with him. It’s possible that nothing short of an ultimatum—or even nothing short of following through on one—is going to get him to stop. Think about what you’re prepared to follow through on. Are you willing to move out? Leave the relationship? You have to decide for yourself what moves you’re OK making, but this can’t go on the way it has. Good luck—you’ve got big choices to make.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I reaally like this answer. I especially like how HTDI adroitly corrected the LW's homophobic misapprehension, then moved on to the massive issues the LW is facing.

I didn't mean to post 3 letters today but "Is it normal for him to not listen to me and what I want or don’t want?" made me want to cry. I wish I could tell LW this:

There are some words for people who deliberately hurt their sexual partners. Most of them apply to those who hurt their partners with consent: sadist, dominant, top, and so on. But there's one specifically for those who hurt their partners nonconsensually: abuser. And that word applies to your husband.

[julian]

Yeah, seriously.

a) Not (necessarily) gay.

b) Not, at all, being a loving partner. Pushing for forms of intimacy that your partner is uncomfortable with, past the consensual pain threshold, is not legitimate behavior.

I wouldn't automatically implore her to leave him instantly. But if they don't make progress soon, then hell yes. This is not a pattern you want to live in.

[feldman]

The "unexpectedly" in that first sentence sounds a lot more unnerving by the end of the letter.

[cereta]

It really, really is.

[kindkit]

I'm disturbed that the columnist thinks "the parts of the relationship that work" might balance out the fact that the husband is sexually abusing her. Not stopping a sexual act when asked to stop is rape, and the fact that he apparently "tries it" after she says she doesn't want to is also rape, or pretty close to it, and the rest of his coercive bullshit is abusive.

Nothing else in the relationship could possibly be good enough to balance this out. This dude cares more about getting anal sex than he does about his wife's sexual pleasure, bodily autonomy, and even her physical safety.

[minoanmiss]

I took that more as an invitation for the LW to think over for herself if anything is worth her husband's abuse. IF the columnist says "DTMFA" the LW might succumb to sunk cost/get defensive of him, but if the LW comes to the conclusion herself...

[kindkit]

Good point. I hope it has that effect.

[cereta]

1. There is never, ever, ever an excuse for someone not to stop a sexual act when their partner(s) voice wanting it to stop.

2. I just have to ask: do women do this, too? By this I mean: become so enamored of/fixated on a particular sexual act that they will push (in whatever manner) a partner to do it even when the partner actively dislikes it? I mean, obviously, yes, there are some women who do this, but I see much of it, and in particular a borderline obsession with anal, from men.

[minoanmiss]

I mean, I wonder if I notice it more from men. But in my recollection I do see it a lot more from men.

[adrian_turtle]

I just have to ask: do women do this, too? By this I mean: become so enamored of/fixated on a particular sexual act that they will push (in whatever manner) a partner to do it even when the partner actively dislikes it?

I'm sure you're not asking "do women ever commit sexual assault?" because it happens despite that toxic-masculinity myth that a Real Man is so eager for sex all the time that he could never be raped and could certainly never report being raped.

It seems like you're asking if some women commit sexual assault for specifically sexual motives, rather than power. The question makes me uncomfortable. (It reminds me of a distressing conversation I overheard in a physics lab 30 years ago...the young men had been told in a fraternity seminar that rape was about power, not sex. And this thing that happened at the party Saturday was clearly sex so it couldn't have been rape. I stayed behind the wall where they couldn't see me, because I had no idea what to say to that.) The LW's husband says he's assaulting her just because he likes the feel of the sex, not because he's bought into any of the power symbolism of anal sex that's so common in porn.* I can see why the LW would want to believe he's doing it just as a sex thing, not a power thing...that he's only hurting her by accident because he's selfishly focused on his own physical pleasure. That doesn't mean it isn't a power thing.


*It's not only common in porn. When we say "F-- the former president!" the next step to make it nastier isn't "f-- him in The Hague." It's "f-- him in the ass."


ETA: I'm female. (Not very binary, but still.) About half of you know this, but I'm not sure Cereta does. I think it's relevant for this conversation.

[resonant]

Off the subject, I adore "f-- him in The Hague."

[cereta]

Okay, to back this up to the basic premise: my question was not about sexual assault. It was about one partner becoming fixated on a particular sex act to the point that they push (verbally, as in "ask, cajole, or whine") their partner to engage in it either when the partner doesn't particularly enjoy it or at least doesn't want to do it as often as the first person does. So, basically, what LW's partner is engaging in minus the part where he doesn't stop.

I can't really address the rest of your comment because, as I said, I wasn't talking about sexual assault.

[ashbet]

I’ve seen women complain that their male partners won’t go down on them, but that’s typically in a context of their partner not caring about their pleasure in general.

Nothing like the number of women reporting that their male partners are obsessed with anal to the point of badgering, whining, coercing, or assault, though.

[resonant]

I suspect it's less "women don't obsess over specific sex acts" and more "men don't write to advice columnists and say, 'But I don't want to tell her no when she insists on something that causes me physical pain in bed.'"

[cereta]

Thank makes sense, yes.

[angelofthenorth]

2. Yes they do, to the point that the victim has PTSD in the story I know of.

[jadelennox]

It hurts, and even lube doesn’t make it feel good. And he watches porn and thinks he can just ram it in and do it the same as vaginal sex. It’s a slow process for me, and sometimes I’m sore after, sometimes I bleed, sometimes I’m constipated. It hurts and when he gets close to ejaculating he won’t stop, and therefore my rectum tears sometimes. I’ve told him all this, but he still wants it.

I tell him no all the time—I say no, but I don’t want to flat out say no.

Yeah, this is rape.

I understand that LW might need to get their on her own, because it took me more than a decade to get there on my own. But LW, speaking as someone who's been there, you're being raped. You tell him no. You tell him it hurts. You tell him no again. You tell him it bleeds. You tell him no again. And he oozes you into it, pushing a little further each time, making each of your nos seem unreasonable or just be unheard, and then he keeps raping you.

Make an exit plan and talk to a lawyer, and stop letting your rapist touch you.

(And no judgement if you take a while to get there. But all the support.)

[mirlacca]

God. Not only that, but if he's tearing her rectum, she's set up for a potential massive infection that could kill her. Hubby needs to be told No, and learn to take it. His pleasure is not the only important thing in this relationship.