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agonyaunt2021-02-08 10:59 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-02-08 10:59 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Wife Cut Off Sex, so I Cheated
[n.b. the situation is more complex than that]
Dear Prudence,
I’m a 50-year-old professional man. I married my college sweetheart and we’ve been happily married for almost 30 years. We have two grown children who are doing well. About four years ago, my wife had breast cancer, a mastectomy, and chemotherapy. It was traumatic and after her treatment she told me that she was no longer interested in sex. I figured the experience, understandably, might make her shy away from intimacy for a while. I’ve said that I still love her more than anyone in the world, and that she’s beautiful to me, which is true. From time to time, I’ve told her that I miss intimacy with her. She’s thanked me for the compliment, but it hasn’t gone any further than that. One of my hobbies is photography, and sometimes I’ve been asked to take pictures of rock bands. Three weeks ago I was at a club and a twentysomething man walked up to me. He said, “This band has a large gay following. Are you gay?” I said, “No. I’m married. I’m just here to take photos.” He said, “Well, I think you’re hot. If you’re bi-curious, my apartment is nearby.” Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. He was young, and handsome. I thought, “Why the hell not?” We went to his place and had (safe) sex. I’d never had sex with a man before. I found it to be interesting and enjoyable, but not something I’d been longing for all of my life. What I did find that I longed for was the passion. Three times that night, he said, “You are such a sexy man.” No one had ever said that to me before and I keep hearing those words in my head. Since then, I’ve had a bunch of conflicted feelings. I feel sad about betraying my wife. I also keep scanning crowds to see if I can find that guy again. I don’t think that it’s the sex that I want, so much as the passion and appreciation. I would like to find some way to explain my feelings to my wife, but I can’t tell her about the one-night stand. She’s not homophobic, but the fact that I’ve strayed outside of marriage would be painful for her. Your thoughts?
I think you need to stop looking for the young stranger, and instead focus on your wife. No, I don’t think you should tell her about your recent encounter. But that intoxicating and confusing episode should propel you to address the loneliness in your marriage. Your wife indeed went through a painful and frightening experience that seems to have left her with a sense of disconnection from her body. Treatment also could have pushed her into an abrupt and difficult menopause. All of this could mean she both feels unattractive and uninterested in sex. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair for her to unilaterally announce (while both of you were only in your 40s!) that your sex life has ended with no chance for discussion or reconsideration. Your wife must have contemplated that her closing the door on intimacy would have a profound effect on you. Surely, you never thought the result would be that you go off to have anonymous sex with a handsome young man. It doesn’t sound as if this is a readjustment of your sexual orientation—I’m betting you also would have gone off with an alluring woman—but instead about the desperate longing of a man who’s been in sexual purgatory.
So talk to your wife. You can tell her you understand that sex after cancer treatment can be a complicated issue. But for both of your sakes you want to reconnect physically and emotionally. Say that you are happy to go with her to a therapist if that would help. Advise that her gynecologist can address some of her physical issues, which are discussed here. Suggest she may benefit from talking about all of this with a support group of others who have been there. Let her know you’re happy to go slow, but that you want to celebrate each other’s bodies and you think there can be an even more profound connection because of your joy at still having each other. Then see how she responds and give her some time. If she again says she appreciates that you still find her attractive, but that the sexual chapter of your lives is forever closed, then she has changed the terms of your marriage. At that point you have to decide what your union means to you. Maybe you tell your wife you’re going to consider having discreet affairs. Maybe you don’t say anything but just go ahead and do it. Or maybe you decide you can’t stay in a sexless marriage. Sex with strangers is fraught with peril, but you are entitled to acknowledge your needs and get them met. —Emily Yoffe
Dear Prudence,
I’m a 50-year-old professional man. I married my college sweetheart and we’ve been happily married for almost 30 years. We have two grown children who are doing well. About four years ago, my wife had breast cancer, a mastectomy, and chemotherapy. It was traumatic and after her treatment she told me that she was no longer interested in sex. I figured the experience, understandably, might make her shy away from intimacy for a while. I’ve said that I still love her more than anyone in the world, and that she’s beautiful to me, which is true. From time to time, I’ve told her that I miss intimacy with her. She’s thanked me for the compliment, but it hasn’t gone any further than that. One of my hobbies is photography, and sometimes I’ve been asked to take pictures of rock bands. Three weeks ago I was at a club and a twentysomething man walked up to me. He said, “This band has a large gay following. Are you gay?” I said, “No. I’m married. I’m just here to take photos.” He said, “Well, I think you’re hot. If you’re bi-curious, my apartment is nearby.” Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. He was young, and handsome. I thought, “Why the hell not?” We went to his place and had (safe) sex. I’d never had sex with a man before. I found it to be interesting and enjoyable, but not something I’d been longing for all of my life. What I did find that I longed for was the passion. Three times that night, he said, “You are such a sexy man.” No one had ever said that to me before and I keep hearing those words in my head. Since then, I’ve had a bunch of conflicted feelings. I feel sad about betraying my wife. I also keep scanning crowds to see if I can find that guy again. I don’t think that it’s the sex that I want, so much as the passion and appreciation. I would like to find some way to explain my feelings to my wife, but I can’t tell her about the one-night stand. She’s not homophobic, but the fact that I’ve strayed outside of marriage would be painful for her. Your thoughts?
I think you need to stop looking for the young stranger, and instead focus on your wife. No, I don’t think you should tell her about your recent encounter. But that intoxicating and confusing episode should propel you to address the loneliness in your marriage. Your wife indeed went through a painful and frightening experience that seems to have left her with a sense of disconnection from her body. Treatment also could have pushed her into an abrupt and difficult menopause. All of this could mean she both feels unattractive and uninterested in sex. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair for her to unilaterally announce (while both of you were only in your 40s!) that your sex life has ended with no chance for discussion or reconsideration. Your wife must have contemplated that her closing the door on intimacy would have a profound effect on you. Surely, you never thought the result would be that you go off to have anonymous sex with a handsome young man. It doesn’t sound as if this is a readjustment of your sexual orientation—I’m betting you also would have gone off with an alluring woman—but instead about the desperate longing of a man who’s been in sexual purgatory.
So talk to your wife. You can tell her you understand that sex after cancer treatment can be a complicated issue. But for both of your sakes you want to reconnect physically and emotionally. Say that you are happy to go with her to a therapist if that would help. Advise that her gynecologist can address some of her physical issues, which are discussed here. Suggest she may benefit from talking about all of this with a support group of others who have been there. Let her know you’re happy to go slow, but that you want to celebrate each other’s bodies and you think there can be an even more profound connection because of your joy at still having each other. Then see how she responds and give her some time. If she again says she appreciates that you still find her attractive, but that the sexual chapter of your lives is forever closed, then she has changed the terms of your marriage. At that point you have to decide what your union means to you. Maybe you tell your wife you’re going to consider having discreet affairs. Maybe you don’t say anything but just go ahead and do it. Or maybe you decide you can’t stay in a sexless marriage. Sex with strangers is fraught with peril, but you are entitled to acknowledge your needs and get them met. —Emily Yoffe
no subject
And yeah, let the pretty boy go.
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Counseling would be good, but it doesn't sound like making that counseling all about How Can We Bang Again is gonna help either of them. It is possible to be in a relationship without intercourse that nonetheless involves intimate touch and praise. If his wife isn't up for exploring any aspect of that, it doesn't sound like him having extramarital sex is actually going to make him feel any happier about the situation.
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They've been very lucky if avoiding conversations about these topics over 30 years and 2 kids has only NOW bit them in the ass.
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Like, the HOT GAY ADULTERY does kind of draw headlines, but LW seems to have pretty clearly come to understand that it's not the sex he's missing, it's other kinds of closeness that often come with sex, and he's also already articulated that the solution to the problem is to figure out how to communicate this to his wife - and just by realizing that, he's way ahead of most people who write these kinds of letters!
"I cheated on my wife" is definitely something that needs to be dealt with regardless, but the conversation he wants to have isn't "I need sex," it's "I don't feel loved by you now that we aren't having sex. How can we find other ways to express that?" Prudie is answering "I need sex".
no subject
OK!
If these people want to keep having a marriage, several things could happen.
a) She could get some therapy. That'd be good. This really does sound as if it changed how she feels about herself/her body/her connection to her body/etc. Maybe. Or maybe she just likes not having sex now. That does happen. But if so, then she should like, learn to communicate about that.
b) So could he! It would be especially useful for him to disentangle verbal appreciation and overt love language from generic "passion," which as Ambyr notes is a thing he's noticed he'd like without actually differentiating the two.
(I went out with a guy much older than me when I was 21 or so, who had had people insult him in various ways, and who really did just appreciate being told pleasant things about how he looked. And he expressed that! Which meant I got to do it!)
c) In fact: Then LW could learn to express the fact that he'd like that *to his wife*. Including the parts where he misses her, and would like more, not as pressure, but as a way to talk about where all this is going. (It could go to divorce, which would be *sad*, but not a tragedy. On the other hand, it could go to, possibly tentatively at first, re-establishing a connection.)
Really, I don't know if he needs to Confess This Bonking. Or if he does, he maybe should do it after they figure out how to have a marriage again, if they do.
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I think the best thing for him is to discard his expectations, be romantic and cuddly, and to discard his expectations *while* being cuddly. She will be more willing to go investigate her medical options if she feels he's being grounded and comfortable where they are. Heck, she'll feel more romantic, too.
And it has to be her decision.
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I never thought I'd be writing to you, but here I am....
Which is to say, maybe this happened, but...
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And if he decides to have discreet affairs without her knowledge, he needs to (1) prepare to be caught, and to hurt her immensely, especially if his defense will be 'after you had cancer and a mastectomy you didn't want to bone me anymore so I had to get some elsewhere,' and (2) get tested regularly, for the same reasons as above,
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I think LW should find a therapist who can help him sort out his wants and needs regarding passion and appreciation. He also needs to have multiple stressful conversations with his wife about those same topics, although that can wait until after the therapy has a chance to help.
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(I agree, communication and therapy are more important, and likely to succeed, than “get wife to agree to sex again.”)
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heh I probabyl should have put "content advisory: Emily yoffe"
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This is a weird thing: I actually feel for LW, which I don't do with people who've cheated. (I suspect that it's due to LW's own maturity in realizing what's going on and why....)