How To Do It: How do I explain porn to my kid?

[minoanmiss]

I’m a dad and have a question about how to explain porn to my almost-teenager. He is obviously going to watch it himself someday, and he is a kid who loves to know how stuff works. Basically, I’d like to be able to tell him that these parts are real, but these other parts are not. I have this sense that a good analogy would be to say that watching porn to learn about sex is like watching a cop show to learn about being a police officer—almost the only parts that are real are the fact that it involves people and they are dressed a certain way. Outside of that, all of the situations people find themselves in are just highly unlikely. In the real world, sex is very different. True? What parts of porn are scripted? How much discussion is there beforehand about what can and cannot happen during a scene? Overall, I want him to come away from our conversations with the understanding that porn is certainly something that people watch and enjoy, but that real sex between two actual people involves a lot more (and less) than what you see on the screen. Any tips?

—Like in the Movies

Dear In the Movies,

I love where you’re coming from. Thank you for this question. Firstly, your almost-teenager has probably already seen some kind of porn. So you might start by asking him what he’s encountered, and then go from there.

Before we dig in, I want to address “real world,” “real sex,” and “actual people.” I don’t think you meant to imply that I, or my colleagues, are not actual people. But you did, and that’s part of the problem. On a porn set, we’re really having sex. Performers in pornography are people, just like you. And the sex we have is varied, just like the rest of the world. You wouldn’t want to perpetuate slut shaming or dehumanization while you’re trying to educate your kid about human sexuality.

That said, pornography is inherently performative. No matter how focused on our partners we are, we’re aware that there’s an audience. This is the same for group sex without payment or recording. The more people watching, the more expressive—communicative—we’re going to be. When questioned on consent in pornography, I like to deadpan the thing society mocks most about porn: “Yes. Oh, God. Please. More. Harder. It’s so good.” This is active, exuberant consent. Words aren’t everything, and it’s important to make space for people who don’t communicate verbally, but in broad strokes we lambast adult entertainment for doing the exact thing we’re trying to train nonprofessionals to do.
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Professional pornography has layers of consent. Depending on the company, performers are told who they’d be working with before they agree to the gig. They’re also usually told what specific acts are needed for the video (anal, feet, impact play) and asked about their boundaries. Some companies have checklists on the day of the shoot, where performers can mark off yeses and hard noes. On the day of the shoot, performers will get together on set for “the Talk.” We share our limits, desires, and preferences with each other. It’s expected that these will be adhered to, and there are eventual social and professional ramifications for people who regularly violate boundaries. Of course, there are companies that don’t care, and treat their performers like blow-up dolls. Increasingly, though, consent is key. And this is where your cop-show analogy really works—in both cases, there’s lots of procedure that doesn’t make the edit and maybe doesn’t even get filmed.

So now let’s talk about variety. I actually encourage letter writers here who are presumably adults to watch certain kinds of pornography. There are feminist porn companies, queer porn companies, “mainstream” (or catering to what we traditionally think of as the male gaze) companies, and plenty of in between. One director of lesbian fantasy for the male gaze choreographed every move. Another, whom I performed for regularly, would give us scripts for the “intro” or dialogue portion, and then show us where our light was and turn us loose to do whatever we wanted—within reason—for the sexually interactive portion. Every director is different, every production company is different, and every performer is different.

Which brings us to porn literacy—like media literacy, but specifically for porn. The first question to answer is “Who made this?” followed by “What message are they trying to convey?” and maybe “And why?,” if you’re feeling frisky. These are great questions to ask about any piece of media.

From the perspective of preventing your son from traumatizing someone during his first hookup, it’s important to really emphasize the unseen consent procedures that happen in most professional pornography. And much like “use a condom” is our first and main focus when it comes to sexually transmittable infections, “ask for verbal consent” is a great starting point. As your child gets older, you can add in the complexity of nonverbal consent, the fact that gonorrhea and chlamydia can be transmitted from genitals to oral cavities, and, if it becomes relevant, discussion of kink. Your goal is to be able to have multiple conversations over a span of years, adding more layers of understanding. When your child is legally allowed to access pornography, I’m sure there will still be great companies making sex-positive work.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I imagine the father's stance could be really controversial, but I for one think he's being sensible and proactive, and I applaud his asking for advice. And I really like how educational and expansive the response is -- I certainly learned from it. He doesn't have to tell his son every word of it, but I think he can probably sort it through.

[colorwheel]

i was impressed by a friend of mine recently when he told me that he was going to talk to his 9 and 12 year old kids about porn using the framing of "it's like theater." i liked the frame because it didn't contain negativity, yet it did include the aspect that the people in it were performing and were keeping an audience in mind all along the way.

[sporky_rat]

That's very similar to how I phrased it to my nephew. 'These people on the screen? They're paid to do this. They have so many layers of consent it makes your mom's lasagna look weak. You want to watch it? Sure. Don't expect this to be what you get when you go find someone to have sex with. This is performative. Watching various people playing various parts on the stage.'

I could have gone without his incredible mortification of his old Aunt being so point blank.

[ekaterinn]

This is really useful advice! I don't have children of mine own, but I'm close with my best friend's kids, and two of them are teens. I've sent them to Scarleteen and talked a bit with the older one about relationships, but I didn't think about talking about porn. Will add it to the list of topics to share!