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I’ve hidden my sexual past from my insecure fiancé and now I fear for my safety if he finds out ever
Q: When my now-fiancé and I first started dating, he’d ask me questions about my past relationships, wanting to know every detail of each boyfriend or fling.
He’s conservative and so am I. However, I’m 30 and have had several experiences that I feel ashamed of sharing and would rather keep in the past (they’re not major but he’s so insecure that he cannot imagine me with someone else). I had to lie on several occasions because of fear of judgment and because he overreacted when I tried to say something. I stopped sharing after this, but guilt started hitting me while reading posts about how we should be honest with our partners and not keep hiding our past.
My past is really nothing compared to other women my age, and I never felt it was that important until he made me think so. A few weeks before he proposed, I wanted to disclose a few more things to relieve that guilt and fear that he might find things out in the future since one of the guys I was involved with and he had mutual friends. He immediately overreacted before I even said the full story … so I left part of it still hidden. He had me swear that what happened was just this and just that … so I did because it was now more about my safety. I was afraid that he’d harm me or himself if he found the full story.
He later met my family and proposed to me and said we should forget our old arguments, but I still have this fear of him finding out things about me in the future. I wanted to disclose everything, but I couldn’t. The only way he’d find out is if he “met” one of my ex-boyfriends or hookups and they told him. Does this often happen? Do guys talk to their ex’s current husbands and spill some secrets from past relationships? How can I overcome this fear and stop worrying about the future?
Shadowed By My Past
A: Please look at the words you’ve used describing your fiancé and your relationship: “He’s so insecure, he overreacted …” Worse: You needing to relieve “guilt and fear … now more about your safety, afraid he’d harm me or himself … fear of him discovering things about you in the future …”
These fears are a recipe for marital disaster, unless something changes between you two. Worse, that change could be heightened distrust from him, more controls that he places on you, increased feelings of guilt and fear that prevent you from walking away. Yes, some men do carelessly blab to others about a woman with whom they had a hookup, even in earshot of her now-partner or his best friend who repeats … just as women also spread tales for their own reasons.
For your safety and future peace of mind, I urge you to stand up to your fiancé now, telling him you won’t accept his badgering any more.
You’re an adult woman who, when unattached, was free to date, have sex, even hookups, just as many adult men behaved similarly. You’d made no vows of virginity to your fiancé when you dated. The rest was your business.
Some people believe in disclosure when dating. But the biggest clue that should’ve stopped you, is this man’s “insecurity and overreacting.”
Stand up to him now. Tell him he must stop interrogating you. If he won’t and still shows distrust, break the engagement. For your safety.
Ellie’s tip of the day A single adult woman’s dating history of mutually consensual sex with unattached people, is her business only.
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What
(For your safety and future peace of mind, I urge you NOT TO MARRY THIS MAN. I urge you to GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE, INSTANTER, AND LEAVE HIM THERE.)
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Who is this columnist? Because that's some dangerous shit right there.
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I spent the entire letter screaming GIRL RUN
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Stand up to him now. Tell him he must stop interrogating you. If he won’t and still shows distrust,break the engagement. For your safety.LW get out NOW you can break up from ANOTHER CONTINENT.
Who is this columnist and did she roll a critical failure or is all her advice like this?
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a broken engagement is much cheaper than
a) a nasty divorce
b) a murder case with you as the victim
c) a murder-suicide case
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you know, leaving aside the waves hands everything about red flags and safety, yes people talk. I can think of at least two times when I unknowingly revealed something about a person's prior history (once about an ex-girlfriend, once about a fiancé) because I assumed it was public knowledge. Yes, it was careless, and i hope I've learned a lesson about assumptions, but seriously, LW, people make mistakes about what's publicly known. If you weren't scared of him, this would still be a conversation full of red flags!
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Run. Run now. Run far. Have ... witnesses isn't the right word, but you need people who can physically get between you when you break up and you want someone with a car he doesn't recognize available to take you to another location. (Shout out to my college dorm hall-mates who were amazing awesome people.) And then you need a stalker plan. Good luck.
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