Dear Abby: 29-Year-Old Virgin Fears She's Waited Too Long For Mr. Right

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old female and still a virgin. This decision is mostly based on my religious beliefs, but also because I haven't met the right guy. I have been struggling with this for several years because it seems my religious views and that of society are at odds. Rather than feel proud of my virginity, I feel ashamed.

At this point, I'm worried that if I tell a guy I'm a virgin, I'll be rejected. Throughout my teens and 20s, I believed that waiting for Mr. Right was the best route for me. Now that I'm older, it has become a constant weight on my shoulders. Our society places so much emphasis on sex. At 29, it seems I have failed in some way.

I met a guy recently and we both expressed that we had feelings for each other. I later found out that he had a girlfriend and two small children. I haven't seen him again, but I can't stop thinking about him. I thought he was a nice guy, but I feel so disappointed.

I'm concerned about my future. I'm afraid I won't meet the right guy and that I'll make a bad decision with the wrong guy. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. -- WAITING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WAITING: All single people face the dilemma you are facing at one point or another. Too often, they make painful mistakes that they later regret. You, however, dodged a bullet. Virginity is a gift that can be given only once. Rather than feel disappointed, be glad you didn't waste it on a man who is already in a relationship and has two children to support.

You say you are religious. If that's true, have enough faith to believe you will meet the right guy at the right time. You might benefit by talking to your spiritual adviser about how to find a life partner whose values mirror your own. If that's not possible, some sessions with a psychologist may help you to regain confidence in your judgment.

Comments

[cereta]

Virginity is a gift that can be given only once.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

I really hate the way we romanticize (mostly girls' and womens') virginity. For that matter, I don't get why (mostly straight men) prize women's virginity in the first place. You want sex with someone who's nervous, inexperienced, and will likely experience at least some physical pain? Why?

But if we can't solve that, can we at least get over this idea that an intact hymen and/or inexperience is some kind of "gift" that you give another? I understand that the LW is religious, and I wouldn't tell someone not to wait if that's their reason (even though I do believe it's better for couples to get to know each other sexually before marriage). But virginity is not a "gift." It's just a state of being.

[moem]

virginity is not a "gift." It's just a state of being.
If even that, in any meaningful way.

[cereta]

Yes, this. I once got a student paper in an assignment on definitions who explored all the different ways people define virginity, from purely physical (intact hymen or nothing) to purely behavioral (have you had some form of intercourse), and it was very much a floating signifier.

[moem]

Exactly. It's all highly cultural.

[shirou]

For that matter, I don't get why (mostly straight men) prize women's virginity in the first place. You want sex with someone who's nervous, inexperienced, and will likely experience at least some physical pain?

Mostly straight men -- is this actually true? I try not to have a "not all men" reaction when I read things about my gender, but nobody I know "prizes" virginity, largely for the reasons you mentioned. The LW appears to recognize this because she's afraid men will reject her for her virginity. It seems to me the people who prize virginity are those in extremely conservative and often religious communities like the one the LW comes from, and I doubt it was only the men in LW's religion who taught her to (I'm assuming) avoid premarital sex.

Abby's response is disgusting. Wtf. How about, the LW should have sex when it will make her happy, and if her current strategy isn't making her happy, she should give some thought to what would.

[minoanmiss]

The "virginity = purity/ non-virgins are soiled" attitude goes further through society than just among the devout, alas. Or, to rephrase, I've met men who do prize virginity, and their reasoning is always creepy to me (even when not aimed at me).

People just carry on about this stupid concept so much. I can't imagine rejecting someone for being a virgin and I despise the practice of considering non-virgins to be lesser or soiled.

[cereta]

Okay, let me rephrase this: where I have most seen virginity prized is in the girl/woman of a m/f relationship. Often, this is in the context of religion, and yes, the women in that religion often internalize this particular bit of misogyny and pass it along to their daughters. I have actually seen it outside of the confines of the religion, though. It's an insidious trope that shows up where you least expect it.

[shirou]

Agreed, it's always the woman in a m/f relationship expected to remain a virgin. But there is a dichotomy here: there are a lot of people who consider virginity lasting well into adulthood, especially when religiously motivated, to be odd and even unattractive. The LW realizes this and fears rejection because of it.