How to Do It: I’m Suddenly Very Interested in My Wife’s Sexy Fan Fiction.

[ermingarden]

(Thought the fanfic angle might be particularly interesting for this comm, even if it's otherwise not the type of question we usually discuss.)

Dear How to Do It,

An actress I’ve always had a thing for was recently cast in an adaptation of my wife’s favorite book. This is great, we can enjoy it together, right? Well, it gets more complicated: My wife loves this book SO MUCH that she has written sexy fan fiction and even cosplayed as this character on occasion, and I’ve been known to gently tease her about these “nerdy” hobbies (she also has a good sense of humor about it and laughs at herself). But now that my Hollywood crush is involved, something switched in me and suddenly, this is all very sexy—yes, yes, read me the fan fiction! Wear the costume to bed! Except, I don’t want my wife to be hurt that I didn’t find this sexy until my crush was involved and think that I’m fantasizing about the actress—which I wouldn’t be, but it would be obvious where my change of perspective came from (also, my wife kind of resembles the actress—I’ve got a type!). It feels like a waste to not use all this sexy energy, but is it my penance for making fun of her before? How do I broach this topic with her?

—Karma’s a Sexy Bitch

Dear Karma’s a Sexy Bitch,

I don’t think you have to frame this in such cut-and-dried, cause-and-effect terms. Instead of saying, “Now that my crush is in this movie, I’m all about your hobby,” you can frame your interest more generally: “Something clicked.” That is, if you need to frame it at all—you are projecting a lot, predicting how your wife will take your new interest in something she’s been doing for a while. She may very well put two and two together, but you don’t have to lead with the solved equation. Just ask her to wear the costume to bed. See how she responds. “I get it now,” is a tenable position to take on. People change, interests shift.

Maybe you’re playing it extra safe, but I sense that there could be some guilt guiding your query. Are you, in fact, certain that you wouldn’t be fantasizing about said actor while in bed with your wife? In general, such fantasizing is not something I tend to thumbs-down in this column—it can be a useful for people, though it doesn’t result in the utterly connected sex that I idealize. Still, this doesn’t have to be shameful. It sounds like you might be looking to engage in some role play, which is a completely healthy aspect of many people’s sex lives. Role play is about merging fantasy with reality, not dissociating, per se. The most prudent course of action, if you’re really paranoid about hurting feelings, is to say the quiet part out loud. If role play is what you’re looking for, why not just propose it as such so that your wife is fully aware of what she’s getting into and can then make an informed decision to proceed or not?

Comments

[ermingarden]

The thing for me, that I don't think Rich (this one was a Rich answer) necessarily appreciates, is that there's a big gap between writing smutty fanfic and being interested in real-life bedroom roleplay around those characters! There's no indication in the letter that LW's wife's interest in cosplay is sexual. So I think there's a solid chance that LW will broach the topic with Wife and Wife won't be into it, completely unrelated to LW's celebrity crush on the actress.

[ioplokon]

I do kinda think if you roast your partner for something a bunch, it's possible they will not want to bring it into the bedroom if you change your mind, even if they accept the roasting as good natured... I'd say LW can try floating it, but not be surprised if their partner is uninterested (esp if they haven't done a lot of rp in the past)

[movingfinger]

This kind of feels like it's objectifying the wife's fanac to me?

LW says they aren't fantasizing about the actress, but if that actress's involvement was what triggered their interest, then yes they are fantasizing around the actress and not the character.

The advice guy does not know the difference between sexy bedroom roleplaying and cosplay, and I'm not confident that the advice is in any way good. But if the wife is actually allowing LW to read the sexy fan fiction she writes, already, despite his teasing, she might trust him enough to go along with the roleplaying.

[kiezh]

I think the only possible answer here is TALK TO HER. Ask her for her perspective on sexy roleplay, instead of trying to plan your approach in a vaccuum, or asking some advice letter guy who has never met her. Ask her if your previous teasing about her fannishness was obnoxious and she would appreciate an apology, or apologize without prompting if, looking back, you feel you owe one. (I kinda think you do. So many jerks love to talk about how their teasing is "gentle" and harmless because the person awkwardly laughed and said something self-deprecating rather than get into a messy confrontation. As long as YOU still think it's funny and she deserved it for being a nerd, no harm was done, right? Right?)

Maybe the teasing rolled right off her back and she doesn't care. Or maybe she figured you'd double down if she showed it bothering her, so she went "ha ha funny" and changed the subject fast. Who knows. (Certainly not you, LW.)

Ask her about her opinion on the new adaptation, too! Does she love it, hate it, have mixed feelings about it? If she's a book-only "that thing is a travesty!!!" fan, bringing up ANYTHING about the adaptation is a bad idea and you can just forget "enjoying it together." In fact, you may end up a household divided, with a "we don't talk about [Fandom]" rule, if you are eagerly watching the adaptation starring your celebrity crush and she wants no part of it because it's Not Like The Book. Or maybe you'll develop a "nerdy hobby" yourself and send each other fanfic recs.

As others pointed out, fanfic and cosplay are not at all the same things as roleplay in bed, and the only possible way to find out how LW's wife feels about the latter... is to ask her directly.

Basically, stop spinning your wheels and go to the source! And don't make sweeping assumptions about what she will or won't like. Treat her like an actual person with actual individual opinions. Be prepared to take no for an answer. (And shut the hell up about teasing her for "nerdy hobbies." Just stop that forever.)

[melannen]

LW, from stuff in your letter, it seems like your wife already knew about your celebrity crush (which presumably means she had already known about her resemblance!) and was OK with it. It *will* be obvious where your interest comes from... but if she's been writing sexy fanfiction for years, she almost certainly already has a more healthy understanding of celebrity crushes and sexual fantasy than you do. Admit you were wrong about fandom all along (she already knows this too) her what's going on with you and follow her lead! (At the very least, even if she doesn't want to wear the costume to bed or let you read her sexy fic, she will have other good fic to rec you!)

(Also admittedly I am not 100% up on het sex traditions at the moment, but it seems weird to me that columnist assumes finding costume sexy=wanting to roleplay? These are not the same thing, right?)