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agonyaunt2024-09-11 01:52 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-09-11 01:52 pm
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How To Do It: My Husband and I Discovered a Terrible Secret About My Brother-in-Law on Vacation
This is not going to go over well.
Dear How to Do It,
Recently, My husband (M) and I (transmasc) were on vacation and met up with my sister’s family for the last two days. On our last night there, they went to the hotel early for the kids. We stayed out.
My husband and I are on the apps for casual hookups. We know it’s not always possible but we both prioritize avoiding cheaters. So we were both idly swiping. My husband hit it off with a guy until he said he was married and needed to be discreet. The face was cropped but from his tattoo and the bathroom in one of the pictures he sent, I recognized him as my brother-in-law.
We can’t agree on what to do—outing someone is bad, and I hate it but feel like I should stay out of my sister’s marriage. Based on the pushy but maybe just fantasy dirty talk about going bare, my husband thinks her health is seriously at risk. Not only does he think she needs to know, but that I need to be the one to tell her since it’s my family. They both were hostile about LGBTQ issues for years after I came out. She apologized in 2020, but we aren’t close—I stay in touch for the sake of my nieces and to keep the family peace. Telling her, “Your husband was trying to get fucked by mine while you were dealing with a vomiting toddler” doesn’t seem like it could ever go well.
—Maybe They Have an Arrangement?
Dear Arrangement,
This is a tricky one. There’s a strong possibility that your brother-in-law will lie to his wife when confronted with this information, and that she may take her (justified!) anger out on you (unjustifiably, but still a possible outcome). If it weren’t for the bareback banter, I’d say leave it for your sister to eventually discover on her own.
But you’re right, her health may be at risk. There are all sorts of STIs he could pick up and bring home to his wife, and other diseases which aren’t classified as STIs but are more likely to be acquired during sexual contact—mpox was just declared an international public health concern. Now, of course, the uptick in cases being reported is in several countries in Africa, and you’re presumably in North America, but the coronavirus pandemic taught us that diseases have a way of traveling. When doctors are missing information (such as the fact that a person’s husband is barebacking around town) they’re not able to do their jobs as effectively—so in the event that your brother-in-law was to pass a sexually communicable bug onto her, treatment could be delayed due to the medical professionals having less than the full picture.
Given your fraught history with your sister, it would be a nice show of support if your husband would stand by your side as you tell her this information. Be as succinct as possible and provide receipts—meaning, I’m hoping the two of you kept the photos he sent and can take screenshots of the message thread. The bravest thing would be to have this conversation face-to-face with your sister, but you’re in no way obligated to be that brave. If you prefer it, an email will suffice.
Dear How to Do It,
Recently, My husband (M) and I (transmasc) were on vacation and met up with my sister’s family for the last two days. On our last night there, they went to the hotel early for the kids. We stayed out.
My husband and I are on the apps for casual hookups. We know it’s not always possible but we both prioritize avoiding cheaters. So we were both idly swiping. My husband hit it off with a guy until he said he was married and needed to be discreet. The face was cropped but from his tattoo and the bathroom in one of the pictures he sent, I recognized him as my brother-in-law.
We can’t agree on what to do—outing someone is bad, and I hate it but feel like I should stay out of my sister’s marriage. Based on the pushy but maybe just fantasy dirty talk about going bare, my husband thinks her health is seriously at risk. Not only does he think she needs to know, but that I need to be the one to tell her since it’s my family. They both were hostile about LGBTQ issues for years after I came out. She apologized in 2020, but we aren’t close—I stay in touch for the sake of my nieces and to keep the family peace. Telling her, “Your husband was trying to get fucked by mine while you were dealing with a vomiting toddler” doesn’t seem like it could ever go well.
—Maybe They Have an Arrangement?
Dear Arrangement,
This is a tricky one. There’s a strong possibility that your brother-in-law will lie to his wife when confronted with this information, and that she may take her (justified!) anger out on you (unjustifiably, but still a possible outcome). If it weren’t for the bareback banter, I’d say leave it for your sister to eventually discover on her own.
But you’re right, her health may be at risk. There are all sorts of STIs he could pick up and bring home to his wife, and other diseases which aren’t classified as STIs but are more likely to be acquired during sexual contact—mpox was just declared an international public health concern. Now, of course, the uptick in cases being reported is in several countries in Africa, and you’re presumably in North America, but the coronavirus pandemic taught us that diseases have a way of traveling. When doctors are missing information (such as the fact that a person’s husband is barebacking around town) they’re not able to do their jobs as effectively—so in the event that your brother-in-law was to pass a sexually communicable bug onto her, treatment could be delayed due to the medical professionals having less than the full picture.
Given your fraught history with your sister, it would be a nice show of support if your husband would stand by your side as you tell her this information. Be as succinct as possible and provide receipts—meaning, I’m hoping the two of you kept the photos he sent and can take screenshots of the message thread. The bravest thing would be to have this conversation face-to-face with your sister, but you’re in no way obligated to be that brave. If you prefer it, an email will suffice.
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Maybe the "did you know someone was using your post workout selfies to catfish on grinder" angle will work. At the least your sister will have a heads up there's something going on.
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If it were me, I'd also say that line in a way that made it clear that I didn't actually believe that was the case. Or go to the sister with the proof and ask "do you think this is your husband or a friend of his playing a prank? Do you think this is legit?" Because a day later I suspect the husband already has a story ready for when he gets caught and for some reason "it's all a prank" is where my mind is going.