minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2022-05-06 11:16 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-05-06 11:16 am
Entry tags:
How To Do It: Relationship Rules?
[this one made me laugh at least]
My Friends Say I’m “Beyond Ridiculous” for What I Just Did to My Boyfriend
I disagree!
Dear How to Do It,
I recently told a couple friends about a moment I had with my boyfriend, and they said I was “beyond ridiculous” and they would have gone nuclear on a significant other for what I did. I don’t think it was so bad! So I come to you for perspective.
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship—he’s OK with me having sex with other guys because he knows I am a horny monster constantly. Through many conversations, he’s made it clear it doesn’t bother him if I sleep with others, which I do usually once or twice a week. (He does not sleep with other people, but is free to, and we have a good sex life ourselves.) The other day, a sex-only friend I haven’t seen for a long time—and I have unreal chemistry with—texted me to say he was nearby and wanted to know if I could hang out for a bit. I told him to come over. The problem is that my boyfriend texted me a few minutes later and said he’d be home early from work, in about 10 minutes. Unreal-chemistry guy was basically on my street already. Dilemma! I called my boyfriend, told him the truth, and asked if he could give me 20 minutes. My boyfriend said OK, I did my thing with the other guy, and then told boyfriend the coast was clear. My boyfriend playfully rolled his eyes at me when he got home, I thanked him and said I wouldn’t make a habit of it, and we moved on.
When I told my friends about this in the context of a bigger conversation about our relationships, they thought it was a wild thing for me to do, and made me feel like I was behaving terribly toward my boyfriend. Was I? Was this especially inconsiderate or absurd of me? I will accept your ruling.
—One Minute!
Give me a moment to pull out my judge costume and the “How to Do It”-engraved gavel. I rule that your actions were farcical, but not inconsiderate. I’ll explain.
Your second paragraph reads a bit like a sitcom, and I think a farcical is a better word than absurd. Consideration has to do with the individual person—in this case of your boyfriend, who isn’t bothered by your frequent sexual interactions with others. You presented him with the facts, and he agreed to your request. Afterward, he playfully rolled his eyes at you. You considered your actual boyfriend’s actual boundaries and what he’s said to you over the time you’ve known each other, and you made a choice that he gives no indication of being hurt by. Your friends have every right to expect their partners to consider their own boundaries, which are unique to them, and likely coming from a perspective of monogamy as the default. They may be projecting their boundaries onto your partner here.
It’s worth having a talk with your boyfriend to confirm that his eye roll was indeed playful. You might share with him that your friends are giving you criticism about it, and that you want to make sure you didn’t miss something on his end. It’s helpful to have check-in talks, and this seems like a good time to have one. It’ll validate or alleviate your concern, and you can address any issues from there.
It’s possible that your wild (yes, I would say wild) behavior is part of what your boyfriend loves about you. So, your friends wouldn’t want to date you, that’s why you’re friends and not lovers! Even with incredible time management skills, there’s a limit on how many partners you can engage with significantly. I have no doubt you’ll find enough partners who are unfazed by, or celebratory of, your sexual appetite.
My Friends Say I’m “Beyond Ridiculous” for What I Just Did to My Boyfriend
I disagree!
Dear How to Do It,
I recently told a couple friends about a moment I had with my boyfriend, and they said I was “beyond ridiculous” and they would have gone nuclear on a significant other for what I did. I don’t think it was so bad! So I come to you for perspective.
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship—he’s OK with me having sex with other guys because he knows I am a horny monster constantly. Through many conversations, he’s made it clear it doesn’t bother him if I sleep with others, which I do usually once or twice a week. (He does not sleep with other people, but is free to, and we have a good sex life ourselves.) The other day, a sex-only friend I haven’t seen for a long time—and I have unreal chemistry with—texted me to say he was nearby and wanted to know if I could hang out for a bit. I told him to come over. The problem is that my boyfriend texted me a few minutes later and said he’d be home early from work, in about 10 minutes. Unreal-chemistry guy was basically on my street already. Dilemma! I called my boyfriend, told him the truth, and asked if he could give me 20 minutes. My boyfriend said OK, I did my thing with the other guy, and then told boyfriend the coast was clear. My boyfriend playfully rolled his eyes at me when he got home, I thanked him and said I wouldn’t make a habit of it, and we moved on.
When I told my friends about this in the context of a bigger conversation about our relationships, they thought it was a wild thing for me to do, and made me feel like I was behaving terribly toward my boyfriend. Was I? Was this especially inconsiderate or absurd of me? I will accept your ruling.
—One Minute!
Give me a moment to pull out my judge costume and the “How to Do It”-engraved gavel. I rule that your actions were farcical, but not inconsiderate. I’ll explain.
Your second paragraph reads a bit like a sitcom, and I think a farcical is a better word than absurd. Consideration has to do with the individual person—in this case of your boyfriend, who isn’t bothered by your frequent sexual interactions with others. You presented him with the facts, and he agreed to your request. Afterward, he playfully rolled his eyes at you. You considered your actual boyfriend’s actual boundaries and what he’s said to you over the time you’ve known each other, and you made a choice that he gives no indication of being hurt by. Your friends have every right to expect their partners to consider their own boundaries, which are unique to them, and likely coming from a perspective of monogamy as the default. They may be projecting their boundaries onto your partner here.
It’s worth having a talk with your boyfriend to confirm that his eye roll was indeed playful. You might share with him that your friends are giving you criticism about it, and that you want to make sure you didn’t miss something on his end. It’s helpful to have check-in talks, and this seems like a good time to have one. It’ll validate or alleviate your concern, and you can address any issues from there.
It’s possible that your wild (yes, I would say wild) behavior is part of what your boyfriend loves about you. So, your friends wouldn’t want to date you, that’s why you’re friends and not lovers! Even with incredible time management skills, there’s a limit on how many partners you can engage with significantly. I have no doubt you’ll find enough partners who are unfazed by, or celebratory of, your sexual appetite.
no subject
Dear LW: as Jessica points out, your friends probably just don't understand the mindset of being in an open relationship. I hope you can find a confidante or two who do. I'd recommend a book on polyamory to you so you don't have to reinvent all the wheels, but I personally think you did nothing wrong, and that calling your boyfriend and asking his opinion/permission was the right thing to do. Enjoy your youth, listen to Jessica, and kiss your boyfriend for me.
no subject
All sounds like good communication to me. A check-in as suggested isn't a bad idea, even if you're pretty sure all's cool: it's considerate to check that our partners are as okay as they seem, sometimes.
no subject
no subject
no subject
This is why a check-in would be a good idea, yeah.
(Because I would rather come home, lounge on the couch and listen with a smile on my face, but Other Guy might be weirded by that.)
no subject
The negotiated time wasn't stretched, the dude was out of there in that time, she's aware that it was stretch or whatever, and she's not planning to make a habit of it. Communication! It's great!
(Semi-related, my partner and I have pinned their NSFW "party" attendance to when we're comfortable eating in restaurants indoors, and/or comfortable going to gyms, so we have a neutral benchmark to compare against.)
no subject