agonyaunt | Entries tagged with care and feeding

1. Dear Prudence,

When I was a child I was brutally attacked by a dog. It left permanent scars on my body and on my psyche. I have been in therapy but that is not a cure-all. I no longer have sobbing fits if I see a dog, but I am still phobic about them. I cross the street if I see one and don’t go to people’s houses if they have one. I find it easier to lie and say I have allergies because if I tell people the truth, they quiz me or try to prove their dogs are the exception. In college my roommate, knowing my past, dropped a puppy in my lap and I had a panic attack.

I am married to a great man and pregnant with a little boy. He grew up with dogs, and his mother and sister do not accept our refusal to get one despite knowing my past. I have overheard my mother-in-law calling me “vindictive” and “selfish” for denying my husband a dog. My sister has told me that I need to “process my trauma.” I haven’t told my husband about these comments yet. I don’t know if I should because he will read the riot act to them and refuse to go over for the holidays. He wants to protect me but I know they will put it on me.

I am stressed at work, stressed over the baby, and sick of this dog issue. How do I handle these people? What can I say to them to get them to understand?

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

My new neighbor started off our first interaction in June on a very rude note, and now she’s about to be part of the kids’ August camp carpool list, and I feel like I need an apology and an explanation before we drive each other’s kids. I haven’t mentioned this to the other moms in the neighborhood, but I will have to bring it up if I want to find someone to cover her spot.

What happened: We have a friendly, loving, high-energy golden retriever. He’s just out of the puppy stage, so he’s just as energetic but doesn’t know his own size. He’s never hurt anyone, he’s just very excitable. I was walking him through the neighborhood when he slipped off his leash and ran up to her, giving face kisses and wanting to be petted. I assured her that she was friendly, but she replied “I’m not” and shoved him off of her, hard, at me, and basically threw herself into her front door. We haven’t spoken since, and I’m worried if she’s like this with dogs, she’s like this with kids. I also would like an apology. How do I start this, or at least get her out of this group where she has access to my kid, if she is like this?

—Kid and Dog Mom

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cereta

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?

—Working Mom

Dear WM,

I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)

Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.

—Michelle

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

These days, because of inflation, our family has begun to change our diets a bit. My 12-year-old, however, has been struggling a lot with it. Because veggies typically eaten raw (romaine lettuce, peppers, salad greens, etc.) have become more expensive, we’ve switched to eating a lot of steamed vegetables, and she hates it. She will gladly eat salads and raw veggies of pretty much any kind, and she doesn’t have a problem with eating healthy foods in general. It’s cooked vegetables, however, that really set her off. Any time I give them to her, she picks at her plate for at least an hour, and it has become really frustrating.

She explained to me that she hates the squishy and mushy texture of cooked vegetables, as well as the smell, but nobody else in our family, including my younger child, has a problem with it. Apparently (she could be exaggerating), she has wanted to throw up while eating them, so that may give you a sense of her discomfort. I’ve explained the reason why we’ve switched to eating fewer raw veggies, and while she understands, I really wish she would stop behaving like she’s eating some kind of poison when I serve her dinner. My husband and I put effort into preparing dinner, and I’ve begun to interpret her behavior as ungrateful. She’s 12! She should be able to, for lack of a better euphemism, suck it up. What should I do?

— Eat Your (Cooked) Vegetables

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conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to DL. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money.
If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it seems weird to leave a kid behind, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Thoughts?

—Three Kids, One Vacation

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I am devastated to discover that my kids feel uncomfortable being around me when I am stressed out. I have a nervous personality and like all moms, I worry. I recently overheard two of my kids (13F and 16M) talking about me, and I was shocked by what I heard. The kids were saying that they can’t be around me when I’m in an anxious mood. They claimed that when I’m in that state, I “act intensely upset like someone experiencing something catastrophic,” I “seem like I’m about to snap,” I “act like a tsunami is coming when we’re out of milk.” My daughter said that she is uncomfortable to be around me when I’m nervous because it rubs off on her and makes her feel afraid and my son, who is the oldest child, said that he realized “in elementary school” that he has to solve his problems on his own so that he didn’t “set me off.”

This is how I’ve always been, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender. If I feel something, there’s no hiding it. I am deeply hurt that my kids choose to believe that they have to walk on eggshells around me, but this is who I am. Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort. I would never ask the same of them. Do I really just have to stuff down my feelings to please my kids?

—Too Many Feels

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https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/disney-trip-care-and-feeding.html

conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Taiwan, where I emigrated from as a young adult, to visit my parents and extended family. We have two children, 16-year-old “Ada” and 13-year-old “Megan.”

Since Ada was little, she has always been an incredibly picky eater. She is quite sensitive to the different textures of food, and there are some foods she refuses to try at all. When she was little, we thought she may have autism or a related condition, but ruled that out with her doctor. She is much more open to trying new foods than she used to be, and we are no longer overly concerned. However, she still dislikes most Chinese food.

Obviously, in Taiwan, the vast majority of our meals would consist of Chinese food. Yesterday over dinner, I mentioned this to her, and she joked that it would be a waste of money to take her to Taiwan, given that she wouldn’t enjoy it and would refuse to try most of the food there. I got mad, and told her that I would have to explain her “strange” eating habits to all of our relatives, and that I had no idea why she had to be so stubborn about the foods that she doesn’t want to eat.

After the blowup (which involved fighting about some other things), Ada won’t speak to me. According to my husband, she claims that I don’t “understand” her aversion to certain tastes and textures, and that she isn’t doing this to be intentionally rude to anybody.

What should I do?

— Frustrated About Food

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strange problem with my teenage daughter. This may sound gross, but for years now, she has had this bad habit of picking at the skin around her fingernails. She started doing this when she was around four years old and over a decade later she still hasn’t stopped. As a result, her fingers have horrible-looking cuts on them that are often bleeding. When she was younger, her father and I would try to scare her by telling her no one would want to be her friend if her fingers looked like that or how open wounds could lead to serious infections but nothing has stopped her. She claims that picking at her fingers makes her “feel better,” which is such a crazy thing to say. It makes me so angry that she keeps making excuses. Our daughter claims that she has been trying to stop, but she has been saying that for years and there have been no changes. If she can’t even stop this simple bad habit, how will she do more difficult things in life in the future? What should we do about our daughter’s problem?

— At My Wit’s End

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https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-in-laws-cross-boundaries-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?

—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?

( As long as they're not calling anybody a poopyhead, it's all right )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a mom to two boys: “Will,” who is 20, and “James,” who is 18. James has always been a nice, shy, rule-following kiddo. A bit of a goody-two-shoes, even. I always assumed that at some point, James would break out of his shell and rebel. However, that hasn’t ever happened and now I’m wondering if I should be worried.

James is a first-year at the same college his brother attends. I’ve been trying to encourage Will to bring James to parties with him and get him to enjoy himself and make the most of all that college has to offer. Unfortunately, Will says that James isn’t interested. Instead, James seems to focus on his schoolwork and G-rated hobbies like reading and playing the piano. He has a thing for a guy in one of his classes, but is too nervous to approach him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten drunk or high or had sex.

I look back on my own college years and have fond memories of the freedom of student life. I’m sad that James might not have those same experiences. I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel. It makes me wonder if there’s something I should be concerned about. Could he be depressed? Have we not done enough as parents to ensure that it is safe and encouraged for him to rebel? Is he just a late bloomer?

— Too Good to Be True?

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conuly

The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?

—Poo Head

( She's two. She'll grow out of it )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.

The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.

I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.

— Graduation Blues

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misbegotten

( My stepdaughter wants to be a graphic artist but can't draw )

ermingarden

Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents are not good pet owners. They have an outdoor-only cat, and for the last decade I have been hearing stories about how he gets hurt and they basically don’t care. A few months ago after yet another one of these stories, my wife suggested we wait until my folks were on vacation and then steal the cat and take him to the vet. We did, and he turned out to be in bad shape (he required a $1500 emergency procedure for a massively infected bite wound). We decided not to give him back to my parents; he is super sweet and friendly and we hoped to rehome him. However, I’m getting really attached to him. I’m not sure what to do as my parents still don’t know we have him (they told me he must have died, and they weren’t particularly upset). We’re planning to hide him with a friend for Christmas when they visit, but she wanted to know why we don’t just come clean. I feel like that is a question that can only be asked by a person with a very unfraught parental relationship, which I don’t have. I’ve been wondering if we could just gaslight my parents into thinking he’s a brand new cat, but he has some unique scars and a VERY unique meow, so even if that weren’t a bananas idea I’m not sure we could pull it off. Should I stick to my original plan to rehome him? Should I be honest with my parents? Do any of your readers want a sweet old cat with a truly unique adoption story? I can’t believe I’m in this situation.

—Cat Napper
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