Moving Away or Staying Near Family

[beable]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I live in LA (where I grew up) in a small single-bedroom rented house. Our two young children sleep in our former dining room, and we have two dogs, too. After the harrowing fire season of 2020, we impulsively took a leap and bought (sight unseen) a 12-acre homestead with a three- (the luxury!!!) bedroom house in Maine, in an area I know and love from spending many magical childhood summers there. At the time it felt like an insurance policy against the climate risks of California in an imagined distant future, but as we’ve visited the homestead in the years since our hurried purchase, we’re more and more inclined to move to Maine full time, ideally in the next few years (before our older child starts elementary school).


It would be a big move, requiring us to learn new skills and probably necessitating changes in both of our very urban careers, but we feel ready and excited. The problem? I’m a member of the sandwich generation and the elder half of my sandwich wants me to stay in LA. My father is in his 70’s, living alone in the four-bedroom multi-story house that I grew up in, and my godmother is in her 80’s, living alone in a four-bedroom multi-story house. Neither has any intention of downsizing, leaving California, or creating any infrastructure to age safely in place, despite having the financial means to do so. Neither has any living family or much of a support system in town beyond me (my sister lives in Northern California and is not the caregiving kind).

I’m the on-call person to take them to appointments, arrange repairs and maintenance for their houses, help with technology and paperwork, make grocery runs—you name it—plus weekly social visits with each of them. I’ve gently asked them both if they’d consider moving with us if we “ever” moved to Maine. The answer is a resounding “No thanks.” What do I do? We want to make a new life for ourselves and our children, but I can’t imagine leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I know by the way they react whenever we leave town to visit Maine that they would consider the move an abandonment or a betrayal and may even (this is awful to voice, but of no small consequence) punitively change their estate planning to punish me for moving.

On the other hand, as my therapist pointed out to me, if I postpone the move indefinitely to care for them, I might become resentful of them for stopping me from living the life I want to live. This would make my caretaking less sincere and put my relationship with them at risk, regardless of my proximity. Worth noting: they both moved across the country from their parents at 18 and never looked back. I wish they wouldn’t hold it against me for contemplating a move in my early 40’s, especially when I would look back (and visit!) lovingly and often.

—Stuck in a Sandwich

Dear Stuck,

Live your life—move to Maine. Your father and godmother will manage. Either they will finally downsize or employ helpers as needed (or both)—or they will decide to move to Maine along with (or soon after) you. They have choices. They are not helpless (old does not mean incapable, incompetent, or without agency). You are not condemning these people you love to a life of lonely desperation; you are neither abandoning nor betraying them (and if they feel you are, that’s for them to deal with, not you—and if they tell you that you are, you need to steel yourself against being manipulated).

The only part of your letter that gave me pause was the bit about their “estate planning.” Here’s a good rule about how to live your life: do not make important life decisions based on whether people you love will or won’t leave you their money when they die. If you stay in California because you fear being cut out of their wills—and/or if they use their bequests as leverage in their relationships with you—then we are talking about a financial arrangement, not ties of love and a sense of duty. I understand (reading between the lines) that you have been counting on their money. Please don’t. It’s distasteful.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/moving-away-or-staying-near-family-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[beable]

I agree with the overall move to Main part of the advice but.

1) OMFG It's not "distasteful" to count on inheritance money. It may be impractical, unwise, unhelpful, and for that matter - highly privileged but OMFG it's not distasteful.

2) Two family elders rattling around in empty 4 bedroom houses while LW's kids are sleeping in a make-shift bedroom in a rented house? Have no right to be surprised that LW's plans for moving are intended to take themselves someplace more affordable with the room they and their family want.

3) Why do I suspect that LW's sister has GOOD REASONS for "not being the caregiving kind"

[ashbet]

I was onboard with the advice until that point, but FUCK RIGHT OFF to the columnist for saying that.

I know that I need to live my life as if my mother were going to live to 108 and use all her funds for eldercare, but I *also* am disabled and have no realistic other source for a future financial windfall, so calling it "distasteful" that I might not want to be cut out of a (very wealthy) parent's will is nasty and judgmental as hell.

And, yes, I also caught that both elders have bigger houses than the LW, and could have traded caretaking for a place to live.

I also am going to be That Mean Sister Who Isn't The Caregiving Kind, because if you're going to make one kid the scapegoat and one the golden child, you'd better count on the golden child to take care of you in your old age.

The end of that paragraph makes me want to SPIT.

[purlewe]

Distasteful? yeah that word was NOT the right word.

I agree that in many ways you should never expect inheritance money. (I always used to say to someone who often told me about their inheritance.. not to expect it. They could change their will to give it all away to the republican puppies foundation) But in some ways it is the only money windfall someone might receive.

In many ways the elders in this family have already shown you their plans LW. They haven't helped you with housing. They have expected you to help them. It is a giving relationship by you to them. And it does not look to be ever giving back to you in return.

[melannen]

Yes, that!!!

LW, I vote you go to Maine and don't look back, but if you really want to give them a chance, point out to both of them that you need space for your kids that you can't afford in California, and offer to trade housing. See what they say.

They clearly have the resources to be helping you more than they are, and they aren't. So don't feel obligated to help them, either.

[jadelennox]

Two family elders rattling around in empty 4 bedroom houses while LW's kids are sleeping in a make-shift bedroom in a rented house

Yeah I saw this and my first reaction was "fuck 'em, let the selfish bastards sell their houses to pay for personal care."

I mean, maybe they offered and LW said no--god knows I would only live with my mum in highly strained circumstances--but it doesn't sound like they did.

[green_grrl]

Hard agree with all three points.

I would also add, don’t expect elderly folks who have been living in Southern California their entire adult lives to move to Maine to follow you. That much winter is not easy on old bones.

[xenacryst]

That bang you heard was the sound of the happy donut-making joyride of reading the response crashing headlong into the parked car of the last word of the response.

Also, I'm trying to wrap my head around someone who is seeing what sounds like a really good therapist writing to any advice column, even C&F, for advice that the therapist has already done a fine job of addressing.

[ioplokon]

fwiw California's weird property tax rules make downsizing a bit more complicated (though i think you can transfer the value if you are over a certain age? idk I'm not a homeowner). but that doesn't mean they should be guilting lw out of living their life.

[cimorene]

Plus it sounds like they can definitely afford legal advice.

[shanaqui]

Calling it "distasteful" makes sense to me, even if it's not the word I'd choose; the LW is suggesting shaping their decisions in large part around just waiting for someone to die -- someone they supposedly care about. That breeds resentment on both sides, and I can't see how it would ever be a good idea for the relationship, if nothing else. There's a reason that hanging around waiting for an inheritance is a trope of mystery novels.

Don't get me wrong, in some cases that's all you can get out of a relationship. I'm not sure that I'd hang around waiting for someone to die if I had other choices like moving to a bigger place in Maine, but in some cases that's all you've got. But in this case, it's supposedly framed as a relationship in which they care, so... hm.

[shirou]

My parents talk to me about how much they will be able to contribute to my kids' college funds, how much they have in savings, and what I might expect to inherit. It's not "distasteful." It's open, honest, and practical.

I personally am not sure I could survive winter in Maine, but if that's what LW and her family want, they should go for it.

[beable]

I suspect the winter in Maine will be an eye opener for sure!

[cereta]

Spouse and I have both been in this position, albeit in different ways, and the ultimate conclusion we came to was this:

1. We made life decisions, particularly career decisions, that almost certainly meant not staying where our parents were (plus, you know, his parents and mine lived like 2000 miles apart). Our parents made similar decisions when they were younger. That is the way of modern America. (The number of times I tried to get my MiL, who never held a job for more than a year in her life, to understand that my career would be irretrievably fucked if we moved back to AZ was mind-numbing.) We eventually accepted that this meant we would not have, say, grandparent weekends for the kiddo, as well.

2. If our parents will not accept the help we can offer them, which would involve moving to where we live, then they are going to have to make their own arrangements for the future.

3. Our primary responsibility is to the child we chose to bring into the world. If that sounds ungrateful, well, tough. Note that I'm not saying single or childless/free people have more of an obligation to parents, just that LW is perfectly justified in choosing what is best for their children.

[lassarina]

.....I am an only child and will be receiving my parents' entire estate. I expect this to be a tidy sum of money but I have organized my life as though it will never happen.* I do not find it distasteful for the LW to consider the question of estate planning (particularly if her family has been promising things to her and will use them as leverage), especially since it sounds like her family is living high on the hog while she crowds into a very small place not designed for the family she has. They don't want to change anything and they're entitled to that desire, but they are not entitled to pinning her into it.

Enjoy the snow, LW.

* I would in fact prefer to have my parents forever and not the money but I am aware that's not how the world works, and they bring up the "you'll have all our money someday" much more frequently than it ever crosses my mind unprompted.