Care & Feeding: I'm Rich, But My Parents Prefer My Poor Sister

[minoanmiss]

This is going to sound petty and on the childish side, but here goes. I cannot stand the way my parents are with me and my sister. By every measure, I am more successful than my sister “Jane.” I earn a six-figure salary, as does my husband, we own our home, and we are planning to have a baby in the coming year or so. Jane works for a charity which, while laudable, pays next to nothing and affords her hardly any free time. Her layabout wife “works from home” selling “art” online (little cartoon drawings) and earns even less. They rent a tiny apartment and, frankly, don’t seem to be going anywhere in life.

Yet when our parents talk about me and Jane, it is crystal clear who is their favorite. They rave about her at every opportunity and invite her and her wife on holidays with them every year (pre-COVID). For example, if a friend asks my mom how everyone has been, my mom will say one sentence about me (“Sally got a promotion”) followed by a lengthy gushing about Jane (“Oh, Jane saved a woman’s life this week at the shelter! She got me a bunch of beautiful flowers as a surprise in between her shifts at the refuge and volunteering at the animal hospital, then she saved a kitten from a tree and STILL made time to visit her dad in hospital!!”). I’m exaggerating, but just barely.

She and my dad are never actively unpleasant to me, just NOTABLY less enthused about me than my sister. The recent example that has me furious was Christmas, when my husband and I bought my parents a smart TV and an iPad. These gifts were met with thanks and my dad posting about how lucky he felt on social media, which was very gratifying at the time. Then the next day when they celebrated Christmas with Jane and her wife (who of course were volunteering on Christmas Day proper), I see my dad RAVING on Facebook about the gifts they have got him and my mom: a bit of art that Jane’s wife made for them (so, a very cheap gift) and a natty photo album that Jane put together from some old photos she dug up of our parents’ wedding. (They didn’t have a photographer and always regretted it, so Jane apparently canvassed their friends who had attended and got pictures to compile the album, which while obviously an effort, also cost her nothing beyond the cheap-looking scrapbook itself.) It has been a month, and our mom still goes on about what an incredible gift it is, and has hung the homemade art in pride of place in the living room. When I ask if she likes the gifts I got her, she just replies with, “Yeah, they’re great.”

I am so done. Their favoritism is obvious, and I can hardly stand talking to them when I know that Saint Jane is going to come up. Jane and her wife are also planning on having a child in the near future (in spite of clearly not being able to afford this). I am already sick at the thought of how differently our parents are going to treat our children. Can you give me any advice on 1) raising my frustration with my parents in general, and 2) articulating that we will fall out for good if and when they treat my kids differently to Jane’s? My husband’s stance is to address such things when they come up and just ignore the favoritism from my parents (who he doesn’t gel with anyway), but my anger at them is keeping me up at night. Please help.

—Not the Favorite


Dear Not the Favorite,

Unfortunately, no, I can’t give you advice on the two points you’ve raised above. Essentially you’re asking me to tell you how to issue your parents an ultimatum about their as-yet-hypothetical grandkids. You’re saying that you’ll “fall out for good” if they don’t treat all of their grandchildren the same (by your standards of “sameness”). That’s not a healthy conversation for you to have with them before you or Jane even have children.

I also don’t think you want to frame the discussion you hope to have with your parents as an airing of frustrations, though you’ve made a solid case for why you’re feeling frustrated. It’s possible that your parents do, in fact, prefer Jane and her partner’s company to yours. They may enjoy hearing about her work more and may prefer sentimental, handmade gifts to high-end, store-bought ones. Those are preferences, and your parents are entitled to preferences.

As their adult child, you’re entitled to a kind, caring, and engaged relationship with them, and it sounds like you have that. It may not look the way you want it to, but at this point, what would be healthiest would be to work on what’s within your control. What you can control is how you manage your expectations. It may not feel fair that you and your sister aren’t treated exactly the same, but if your parents appreciate your gifts, are welcoming when they see you, and have raised you in a loving, supportive home, then practicing gratitude might help to mitigate your anger.

You’ve mentioned that your anger is keeping you up at night. It sounds like, in trying to find ways to express this insomnia-inducing fury to your parents, you also want them to lose sleep over it. They will not. Find your own peace around this; there is no set number of tasks your parents can perform to provide it for you, at this point.

—Stacia

Comments

Anyone reminded of Alex Keaton in _Family Ties_?

[minoanmiss]

No, Alex had a good heart under there.

LW, maybe your parents prefer your sister because she hasn't replaced her soul with a checkbook.

When LW dismissed the wedding album that the sister spent time and love and effort creating because it "cost her nothing beyond the cheap-looking scrapbook itself." I lost all sympathy for her materialistic ass.

Now I'm an only child, so there's probably something I'm not getting. And I should probably be more sympathetic. But if I had to summarize this I think it wouldn't be inaccurate to say that LW thinks her parents should love her more because she has accrued more money, and I think that's a little disgusting.

Re: Anyone reminded of Alex Keaton in _Family Ties_?

[cereta]

Yeah. I mean, as you know, Bob, I am very, very sensitive to unequal treatment of siblings, but everything the LW brought up was about material success, and while I would certainly love to be given a smart TV and a tablet, in the context of the rest of the letter, there's nothing that indicates any real thought was put into whether the parents would like them. It was just, "Here's this shiny, expensive thing."

Also, as hard as it can be sometimes to accept, some members of families just click better than others. I honestly think the best thing LW can do for everyone, including their hypothetical child, is to limit time and emotional investment in their parents (they clearly have none in their sibling or SiL, and probably won't have any in a nibling). Find people who share your interests and values.

Re: Anyone reminded of Alex Keaton in _Family Ties_?

[beable]

LW lost me in the first paragraph when being dismissive of Jane's wife art.

Maybe I would consider Jane's wife's art crap too, maybe not, who knows but if people are buying it online it obviously has some sort of target audience!!

Also the fact that LW could right this sentence "They didn’t have a photographer and always regretted it, so Jane apparently canvassed their friends who had attended and got pictures to compile the album" and NOT realize why her parents would find not the wedding album so meaningful as to be gushing about it months later boggles my mind.

I mean:
- effort from Jane in coming up with the idea
- follow through: figuring out who would have pictures and getting in touch with them
- the love of the friends who provided the photos

Like OMGWTFBBQ LW WTAF can you not realize why "pulling together of her parents whole community" would not be way more meaningful to her than a fancy electronic toy - however much the electronic toy was appreciated and loved (and thanked for)

[melannen]

Dear LW,

I prefer Jane too.

[fox]

I do too - and LW should feel bad that she so obviously feels the only value gifts can have is monetary value, as if sentiment and thoughtfulness were always inevitably worthless - but if LW and Jane were my children, I hope I'd make an effort not to be so obvious about it. Like, this is an impressive letter, making me feel sympathy for someone whose attitude turns me so far off.

(True story: My college roommate's mother is one of a large number of children, all of whom I believe get along fine as adults, and every one of whom reached adulthood believing that as children they were their mother's favorite.)

[oursin]

I am honestly wondering what LW and husband are earning their huge salaries doing, and whether one would actually approve if one knew....
(This is probably unfair, but given her tone, not entirely.)
Jane, in spite of what looks like Doing A Lot already, 'canvassed their friends who had attended and got pictures to compile the album... obviously an effort': well, yes, that sort of thing is an effort.

[heavenscalyx]

Agreeeeeeeed.

Wow I hope this letter is fake. Because LW is an awful awful person.

[movingfinger]

I wonder what the family history is that embedded this pattern in LW. (Financial insecurity/anxiety?)

[castiron]

1. I know people whose interior reaction to a smart TV or iPad would be "well, that was generous, but this isn't really something I wanted/needed", or would indeed be actively uncomfortable with receiving such a pricey gift, even from their kid. (Heck, that would be my reaction to a smart TV -- very very kind of the person to be so generous, but I don't really watch TV; if they wanted to spend that much money on me there are things much, much, much higher on my "want but can't yet justify the cost/haven't saved the money" list, and if they applied any thought and knowledge of me, they'd know that.)

2. There is nothing in this letter to indicate that Jane is mooching off the parents for daily life expenses. Jane is helping people in need, and her wife is running a business selling her own art. What about this is "not going anywhere in life"?

3. It's possible that the parents are inviting Jane on the vacations because they know Jane can't afford them on her own while LW can (LW doesn't say whether Jane & wife are paying their own way), or because parents don't like the vacations that LW prefers but do like the kind that Jane prefers, so invite Jane because Jane would enjoy it more.

4. LW needs to read that first phrase they wrote and ask themselves "gee, why does this sound this way?"

[jadelennox]

I know people whose interior reaction to a smart TV or iPad would be "well, that was generous, but this isn't really something I wanted/needed", or would indeed be actively uncomfortable with receiving such a pricey gift, even from their kid.

It me.

I actively avid spending holidays with people who can't be dissuaded from pricey gifts. They make me unhappy to receive.

[melannen]

Also a smart TV and an iPad isn't really all that generous? Like, they'd probably strain Jane's budget, but if the parents can afford a couple big vacations a year, they're probably something they could have bought for themselves if they'd wanted, and if SiL is charging what she should for her art, it's probably the price of maybe three or four commissions, not counting framing. (And almost definitely less than the cost of the time for making the album at LW's hourly!)

An iPad is what you get if you want an Apple portable computer without shelling out for the price of a MacBook. And a smart tv is just a "TV" these days - I took my mom TV shopping for Christmas a couple years back and the only non-smart option was high-end screens mostly intended as gaming monitors, and low-end smart TVs are actually relatively cheap because they're subsidized by filling them with hardcoded ads for streaming. "A smart TV and an iPad" is quintessential "I wanted it to sound more generous and expensive than it was."

PLUS, those are both things that only really become useful if you've got expensive ongoing subscriptions. LW did not mention they also paid for a couple years' iPad data or covered all the streaming services. We did end up getting Mom a smart TV, but also told her not to connect it directly to the internet unless she had a specific reason to. (And if you aren't already in the Apple ecosystem, an iPad is *less* useful than a cheaper Android tablet or laptop.) So they're kind of like giving someone a purebred puppy they didn't ask for.

It's basically "we got them something they didn't need or want and probably can't use that wasn't really very expensive for us, since we're rich, but it was supposed to seem generous" and then they're mad they're not being effusive about it.

[watersword]

I'm torn between "this is a fake letter, no one would be this un-self-aware" and "this is what capitalism does to people's hearts" and I honestly don't know which option I prefer.

[melannen]

I don't know that I would blame capitalism; I can see Unferth writing a letter that says "I gave Hrothgar three gold arm-rings and all Beowulf gave him was an arm, which is totally tacky-looking and didn't involve any gold at all, but he constantly talks about how the great Beowulf saved the hall yadda yadda and all I got was a thanks!"

[purlewe]

My first thoughts in no order

1. your parents might take Jane on vacations with them bc Jane can't afford it and you can. Or. Jane likes their type of vacations and you haven't shown any interest in a tour of all the old bookstores and the homes of novelists they love. If you have common interests, I bet they would invite you along too. How about this? Invite your parents on a vacation that they would like and pay for it yourself. MAKE MEMORIES with them. It sounds like they like that kind of gift.

2. You have no idea how much your parents gush about YOU to Jane. It is entirely possible that your parents gush about you to Jane enough that she is also sick of it. But you wouldn't know. Bc not once have you mentioned talking to Jane or her wife with any consistency.

3. Your parents didn't have enough money to hire a photographer for their wedding. One of the few things they vocally regret years later. Which probably means they didn't have a lot of money back then. And they see Jane without a lot of money now. Maybe they have a nostalgia for being creative to make ends meet and they see Jane doing that and it makes them gush a little more than they normally would. They can relate more easily to Jane and her wife. Should they maybe rein it in a little? perhaps. But if you can't see WHY they gush then I don't think anyone can help you. Including this decent advice of "connect to your parents on their level and let go of things that are not actively harming you bc you are combusting yourself from the inside out."

4. You say your husband has never gotten along with your parents LW. That could be a clue and a half there.

5. going back to the photos.. THIS WAS A HUGE GIFT. And I am not even going into wondering if it was scrapbooked to an inch of its life like most are now a days. I mean memories and getting ahold of old dear friends and getting everyone to work towards a goal (printing photos now is like.. not the easiest unless you have the stars aligned.. but getting say 40 couples to get their poop in a group and get you prints OR get your negatives that you then print AND give back to the owners?) like.. the project management skills your sister has are pretty amazing.

6. do one thing today. Give something of yourself to your parents without expecting any returns. do it as often as you can. be kind to them bc they are kind to you and they are kind to your sister. Stop acting like family is a consumer good that you pay for and start giving just to GIVE. Give your time. Give your patience. Give your love. Give your attention. Pay attention to what they like and do those kinds of things with them. Stop expecting a return on your time/material gifts/love. And I bet you will actually get MORE out of it than you knew was possible.

[purlewe]

OH last thought. If this was sent to Reddit's AITA the answer would be yes. Yes you are. Bc you can't see that material things are not as important to your parents as having a good heart.

[oursin]

On no 2, yes, that one: at Memorial Service for my father the officiant and others mentioned to me how proud he was of me for academic achievements and occasionally being in media for same, which I wouldn't particularly have known from him talking to me directly. Was much more likely to be telling me about my sister's children/grandchildren, the area in which I had not achieved.

Maybe parents don't really know how to talk to LW about her Amazing Career? (without being on the Clooless level of the father spotted on AITA yesterday who was badgering his daughter into a nervous breakdown with his total inability to take in what she was saying about the academic job market. We think she is probably considering jobs at the University of Outer Uzbekistan just to get away from him.)

[laurajv]

This is one of those letters where I just make...confused dog-head-tilt.

For context: I am one of seven children. My father has clear favorites & loves him a fancy tech gift; my mother has no favorites & loves any gift at all that shows genuine appreciation.

But...here's the thing, the thing I don't get, which is that I don't for the life of me understand the LW's insistence that being More Capitalistically Successful entitles her to being The Favorite? I mean, I have a parent for whom there are two routes to being The Favorite, and they are Capitalistic Success or Being Extremely Smart In Ways He Can Brag About, so I get that if you have a parent like that, you might think yes, Capitalistic Success, I shall do that and earn the love of my parent!

It is clear LW does not have parents like that. I know why two of my siblings are extremely insistent on Capitalistic Success; they were two of the three least-favored children and now are the Clear Favorites and they bought it with money.

But where is LW getting it from? Did she just make it up in her head?

[likeaduck]

Yeah this! HOW did things get this way? LW vibes as, Jane has always been the favourite so I am trying really hard at the thing I thought was going to get me favour. So where did she get the idea that this was the favour-giving thing? Who taught her to value a six figure salary over a close relationship with her mom? Have the two kids been treated really differently and valued for different things their whole lives? Did the parents have some sort of change of heart/manner over time? (They wouldn't be the first people who put less emphasis on material success as their own material situation became more secure, for example.) For some reason I'm curious about relative ages/birth order of the LW and Jane.

[lavendertook]

I don’t see the LW asking to be the favorite or wondering why she isn’t, just being upset with being secondary. It would actually make more sense with her capitalistic values if she were demanding to be the favorite, but she isn’t, which wins her points from me. She is upset at the lack of equity here. Which doesn’t fit her values. Another clue that this is a fake persona poorly composed and not by the realistic routes of denial and repression.

[lemonsharks]

I got to "six figure salary, as does my husband" before I too liked Jane not only better than LW but (extremely uncharitable commentary redacted)

[tielan]

All I can hear from LW is the lingering reverberations of I should be treated better by my parents because I'm richer than my sister.

[ayebydan]

IF this letter is real then lw is a genuine tool.

[azurelunatic]

Does LW even know what delights their parents? Like, books? food? flowers? experiences?

Sending Mom's favorite flowers every month probably isn't cheap, but it might be personal in the way a TV isn't.

[lavendertook]

I have a bad habit of feeling sympathy for a narrator person on average, but first off I am having such a hard time thinking this LW is real. Very hard--the split in values between the sisters is too wide and Jane is everything even US mainstream culture teaches us is good while pushing us to enact the values of LW by means of extreme and totally amazing amounts of pure denial.

So If I try to regard LW as real, and that she really does not see the sister’s time assembling the album as worth money and of great value in her value system, I do think she sees what Jane does is of value from how she details it (my belief this is real is soooo stretched by that becaue denial functions by eliding all these details in the brain into blah-blah-blah ), and what she is saying is she can’t compete with how her parent’s value Jane and they clearly value everything Jane does and more importantly value Jane as a person than LW. She gives no details on what she does to get that six figure salary and either she has no feeling of self worth whatsoever or this is fake. She gets that what she values--money and success in a capitalist society--is of lesser value to her parents and that she is of lesser value to them. And that she herself is of lesser value is a problem. And that kind of favoritism is awful and wrong to do to chlldren and is ego destroying. And if Jane was so wonderful she would be making sure LW was included in all invites. How did the parents make their relationship into such a competition even a total capitalist only focused on what money can buy can recognize that this too is all about competition?

So something is really rotten in Denmark. And though I abhor what LW has revealed about her values, she didn’t get there by herself and something is very wrong with this picture. People with LW’s values spend a lot of time talking about hwo great they are and what they did to get that massive salary and LW does nto attempt that here. She certainly should be invited to vacations if Jane is simply for existing, but expected to pay her own way. And she isn't invited and that’s wrong to cut her out, even if the parents do feel more sympatico with Jane. There is every bit as much wrong with these parents as there is with LW’s shallow capitalism that it is all really fucked up. And LW is not going to just let go of being secondary in value as a person to her parents--psyches don’t work that way.

Get thee to a therapist, LW because something about the big picture is really missing in the narrative you present (your soul, for instance) and it may be that your parents stole your soul, and you need to reclaim it and declaim their abuse of you. That’s the only advice I could give if this is a letter reflecting the feeling of a reality based person, but my first choice is still to vote it off Reality Island. The LW has too much awareness in one area and none in another that just doesn’t fit and makes her an unbelievable piece of writing.

[purlewe]

I think the one line I keep coming back to is this one:
My husband’s stance is to address such things when they come up and just ignore the favoritism from my parents (who he doesn’t gel with anyway)

I think her parents don't get along with the husband. And that is sad. But it also sounds like LW has adopted the same values as the husband. And I think that this might be the heart of the issue.

There is nothing wrong with finding a partner and adopting the same values. But it might mean she has a different relationship to her parents than she wants. She needs to work that out.

[conuly]

This all sounds very frustrating, and I'm betting it started long before they were grown.

But I'll be honest. I don't like LW as much as Sister and SIL either.