Care and Feeding: My Husband’s Family Is Creepily Involved in My Teenage Daughter’s Boob Job

[ermingarden]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?

—Busty or Busted

Dear Busty,

There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.

That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.

Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.

I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.

I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.

—Doyin

Comments

[ermingarden]

Um...what?!

The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.

The problem with this attitude is that it's fundamentally impossible to make a decision without any influence from societal pressures. Every choice we make is made in relation to the set of values and priorities we were brought up with and those of the society in which we live. Every action we take is either taken to stay within that framework or in deliberate rejection of it. Either way, those societal values are always involved in our decision-making, however unconsciously.

What I'm getting at is that even if LW's daughter thinks her motivation is entirely "intrinsic," her choice necessarily has some relationship to our general societal ideals for women's appearances – ideals shaped to a significant degree by the "male gaze." To some degree, I think a lot of recent feminist rhetoric has de-emphasized the idea that there is an oppressive structure that molds the choices and actions of individual women – it's not that people lack free will, but that the choices we make are shaped by the structure of the patriarchy.

For example, I shave my legs. Why? It's not because I have an intrinsic urge to be hairless! It's because it's viewed as more professional (and more attractive), and I don't want to deal with the negative reactions to unshaven legs. Sure, I have a choice – but it's a choice shaped and constrained by the patriarchal framework in which it's made.

I think Doyin is also neglecting the fact that breast augmentation surgery is, well, a surgery, and thus inherently carries some risk of complications – including risk of death. I don't think parents should be paying (!!) for a surgery (!!!) in order for their daughter to better fit an arbitrary ideal of beauty. If she decides that she's willing to assume the risk of surgical complications for the perceived benefits, that's her decision, but – in my opinion – it's not worth it, and her parents shouldn't bankroll it.

I also find this answer really ironic in light of the article Slate ran the other day about the health risks of breast implants.

ETA: I do want to make clear that I think there's a huge difference between a fully fledged adult making the decision to get breast augmentation surgery and a teenager asking her parents to pay for it as a high school graduation gift.

ETA 2: I'm also confused by Doyin's assertion that not paying for the surgery would lead to LW's daughter having "a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect [her] relationship with [LW] going forward." She's not owed anything in particular for a graduation gift! (Also, breast augmentation surgery costs thousands of dollars – that'd be a pretty generous gift for high school graduation, yes?)

Also, while I don't think LW should pay for the surgery, the in-laws "shaming [LW] and [her] daughter for even considering it" – especially the daughter – is totally inappropriate. I think if your behavior toward a teenager can be described as "shaming," you likely need to take it down a notch.

[lethe1]

Yes, Doyin's "male perspective" certainly seems to cloud his judgement here. "I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself", seriously Doyin? There is a lot of potential harm in both the surgery and the implants used.

[melannen]

If she's 18, at least in the US, I don't think she can get silicone implants anyway (according to the article you linked.) Which leaves LW the very good option of saying, "Let's wait until you're 21 and have more options".

Also yes, Doyin flubbed that caveat! If it's due to pressure from *specific* boys/men, she should absolutely not do it (and also drop said boys/men from her life.) I don't know if he thought that would read that way or what, but 'don't do it if you might want it because of societal pressure' is basically the same as 'don't do it'.

[harpers_child]

I'm coming from a place where I'm shaped like an anime fanservice character and have wanted to have a breast reduction since I was 15 and read it was possible in a newspaper advice column. (I turn 39 this month and still haven't had the surgery for a variety of reasons.)

I wish the daughter had written in and not the mother. LW is right to support her kid. Her in-laws need to back off.

Daughter should wait a few years. Give herself some time to grow into her own skin. Maybe do some therapy. If this was a college graduation gift I'd feel differently, but I think 18 is too young.

[lethe1]

Back when I was around 17, I went on a school trip and one of the girls in my group had had a breast reduction done. She was very happy about it (I believe the pluses for her were no more back problems as well as less unwanted attention from men).

Breast augmentation is different IMO, not least because of the potentially harmful implants. I agree she should wait.

[movingfinger]

At 18, her body is still growing and her metabolism is shifting. It seems early to stuff implants in there.

Maybe the whole family needs to emphasize boobs less in their assessment of quality of life.

ETA: What I mean by this is, I strongly suspect that ever since her daughter started puberty, Mom has been harping on "WOEZ you are not growing enough breasts! You are flat-chested like your poor mother! Your happiness must be less because of this absence of bust measurement!" rather than, say, affirming that her daughter is a beautiful and complete person exactly as she stands.

[kindkit]

As a transgender person, I think I come to this from a very different perspective. Trans people have historically been heavily gate-kept before being allowed to access hormones and gender-confirming surgeries, and while some of that burden has lessened lately, there's a strong movement to increase it again. People want to deny hormone therapy and surgery to any trans people under 25! Or to every trans people of whatever age, on the grounds that we might regret it, that maybe we don't know our own minds. (Also on spurious grounds of protecting our physical health.)

The daughter is a legal adult who wants to change the shape of her own body. The reason she wants this may absolutely be steeped in patriarchy. But I think fundamentally that doesn't matter. It is her body. And part of the principle of bodily autonomy is that people get to change their own autonomous bodies in ways, and for reasons, that others might not approve of.

That doesn't mean the parents are obliged to help pay for it. But I think it's good that they're planning to.

[shanaqui]

Yeah, I feel this.

I had an initial kneejerk toward "she shouldn't do it", but if she's a legal adult, it's her decision. I'm not in love with the reasoning that she's too young to do such a thing to her body, because the same arguments are used against trans people. "You don't know who you are yet", "you're not secure in your own body yet", "you might grow out of it", etc. I know people don't automatically think of breast augmentation as being something that falls into that category, but body dysphoria isn't all about gender, and the most surprising things have impacted it for me.

Whether the parents should pay or not is a different problem; if they've offered her that amount of money, I probably fall on the side of thinking they should uphold their offer, though I probably personally would not pay for such a thing as a graduation present.

If they have begun to worry about it, then maybe it'd be worth suggesting things like "we'll put the money aside for now, in your account, but we'd like to ask you to wait until you're 21 as a favour to us". I personally didn't finish growing taller until I was 23 (yes, I know, female-bodied people typically stop growing earlier than that, but I initially stalled at about age 15 and then resumed growing when I was 20, gaining two more inches of height), for example, and my body shape definitely stayed in flux until at least then. It's worth mentioning to her that any such changes may change her decision about how she would like the breast augmentation to look. Any surgery needs informed consent, so her awareness of such considerations is important.

If she has serious self-esteem issues around her looks (which this desire for surgery suggests), then I do also recommend asking her if she'd like to speak to someone about that at the parents' expense, too. Not as a requirement for the surgery, just as something that may be helpful to her.

[castiron]

Many of those folks who want to deny hormones/surgery to trans folks have no problem with an eighteen-year-old ciswoman getting married and having a kid. And that involves a permanent change to her body, and could endanger her physical health, and is a decision she may come to regret, *and* has repercussions for people besides herself.

Adults get to make decisions about their bodies. Adults are able to look at the options and decide whether something's worth the risk. Adults do not need to be protected from regret; the potential of regret is part of the freedom to choose what one does.

[jadelennox]

My kneejerk response was "ew, no!" and then I got partly down the letter and realised that if the girl were trans I'd be super proud of the mum for helping pay for gender affirming care. And breast enhancement in a cis girl is gender affirming care. Hell, one of the aspects the left has been pointing out about the shitty anti-trans-care bills is that they would also ban viagra and breast augmentation and blockers for precocious puberty and post-hysterectomy hormones and post mastectomy augmentation and hair plugs. Adults should be allowed to have all those things.

(And for that matter, in trans kids (and adults), we don't try to divorce the motivation to change a body from "due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way" (boys/men, or girls/women, or cis people). One of the myriad reasons trans and cis people change bodies is always the gaze of outsiders. That's just going to be true.)

I mean, my kneejerk response is still present, but it's none of my business what bodymods adults take on, and my squick shouldn't bother this girl at all.

[xenacryst]

I want to cosign all of this. From the trans/nonbinary perspective the arguments against this have very strong overtones of gatekeeping, and I think the phrase we're looking for is "informed consent." By all means, the LW's daughter should know the risks and thoroughly understand her reasons for it, but assuming she's that much informed, it sounds like she really wants this. Trying to make her prove anything further is gatekeeping.

[castiron]

First, why did anyone tell husband's family about it in the first place?

I think it's a bad idea (I'd feel differently if the daughter was 25 and still wanted the procedure); I also think an adult is free to make their own decisions about their body, bad decisions included, and another adult is free to decide whether they want to bankroll it or not, and it's none of my damn business.

The only other thing I might ask if I actually knew the LW or the daughter is whether the daughter wants to have children, and if so how soon. Pregnancy changes bodies in general and breasts in particular, and the long-term change could go in either direction; some folks end up even flatter-chested after kids, and some end up much bustier. If daughter is hoping to have kids in the next 5-10 years, she might be better off waiting until after at least one pregnancy before having augmentation done. (And if her response is "but I won't find anyoen to have kids with if I don't have this surgery!", that'd tell me she's having it for the wrong reasons. But again, she's an adult, and adults get to make their own decisions.)

[cereta]

First, why did anyone tell husband's family about it in the first place?

I would assume that at some point, the family would have noticed anyway.

Families are all different about information like that. I'm not even remotely close to my siblings, but I was visiting for Christmas when I got the go-ahead from my insurance for my reduction, and it never even occurred to me not to share the news. OTOH, I didn't learn my mother had a hysterectomy until five years after it happened. But she's almost pathologically private about stuff like that.

[castiron]

I would assume that at some point, the family would have noticed anyway.

True, though that would've been after the surgery was already done.

Yep, families definitely vary. I'd mention it to my parents or siblings if I were going to have a major surgery. If I were getting a first tattoo, though, I probably wouldn't say anything to them until afterwards -- and possibly not at all, if my regular clothes cover it. ("When did you get this tattoo?" "Oh, about seven years ago" is a conversation I could absolutely see myself having.)

[sathari]

I'm inclined to agree with all of the folks who've said that it is the young adult woman's body and therefore her choice and that I'm glad her parents are supporting her in it.

And I would like to add another reason for wanting larger tits: looking like a legal post-pubescent adult once you actually are one. Signed, someone who didn't look post-pubescent until perimenopause and let me spare you the stories of creepiness.