The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I have always felt like the odd one out in my family. I love them deeply, but I cannot ignore the quiet, persistent feeling that I do not quite belong. My two younger brothers, "Tom" and "Michael," are close with each other and with our parents, especially our mom. They talk every day, go on trips together and always seem to be in sync.

I, on the other hand, have always felt different. I was more sensitive, more artistic and more emotional growing up. While they were into sports and fixing things with Dad, I was reading, journaling or off by myself. I was teased for being "too dramatic" or "too much," and I learned early on to keep my feelings to myself.

Now that we are adults, not much has changed. Family group chats often go on without me. I find out about birthdays or get-togethers after the fact. When I try to bring it up gently, I get told I'm imagining things or taking things too personally. My mom says she loves me just as much, but I still feel like I'm standing on the outside looking in.

I want to be part of the family, not just in name but in heart. I want to feel seen, heard and valued -- not like the extra piece that doesn't quite fit. Is there anything I can do to shift this dynamic, or is it time to accept that things may never change? -- Outside in My Family

Dear Outsider: Your feelings are real, and you are not "too much." Wanting to feel included by your family is natural -- and painful when it doesn't happen.

Family dynamics can be hard to change, especially when they've been this way for years. Still, it's OK to speak up gently. Let them know being left out hurts, not because you're overly sensitive, but because you care.

At the same time, start investing in relationships where you feel seen and valued. Sometimes the family we build can give us what the one we were born into cannot.

You are not an extra piece. You are enough, just as you are.

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Comments

[conuly]

What is it they say? You can't get hammers from a taco shop?

LW, the sad truth of your life is that your parents suck and your brothers followed their lead. It's not a crime to relate more easily to one child than another - but it's terrible parenting to be so obvious that your child figures it out, and if they do figure it out the least you can do is try to fix it instead of gaslighting and blaming your kid.

LW needs to stop banging their head against this wall and go find some other supportive group of people. It's awful, and it's not fair, and it's not right - but you can't make your parents and siblings be the people they ought to be, all you can do is protect yourself. Which means, in this case, fading out of contact because all contact is painful and unsatisfying and honestly, it sounds like those people won't even notice.

[zavodilaterrarium]

It's one thing to be or feel left out, isolated. It's another thing for your concerns and thoughts surrounding said isolation to be entirely brushed off. Being left behind is never nice, and LW would be completely justified in leaving their blood family behind in turn even if they apologised. But the utter disregard thrown at LW just totally unacceptable.

When concerns are blown out of proportion, the right to do is to still to get to the bottom of them, not simply ignore then. There is never a circumstance where someone expressing their feelings should be completely ignored — yes, even overdramatic entitled fools, because nobody who is okay acts like that. People deserve to have help extended to them even if they are "too much". If they don't accept that help, then it's not our problem, that's when we move on, unless we are their guardian.

[minoanmiss]

LW: you have concrete proof that your family doesn't invite you to events (I'm focusing on that part for now because while feelings are real they are easily dismissed. For people who are going to tell you it's all in your head you need the concrete stuff) so I have some questions for you.

1) do you want to go to events with these people? You could start building other friendships instead. I recommend shared interests.

2) how do they coordinate events? Can you get someone to add you to the email list/phone tree/whatever? Sometimes to get people to do things we need to make t as easy for them as possible.

3) *big hug*

[princessofgeeks]

This is really heartbreaking.

[conuly]

Yeah.

[melannen]

LW, this is heartbreaking, and if what's really happening is you're being deliberately left out of full-family events and then they lie about it - stop trying, and find another family that actually cares, even if it's hard.

But if you're really invested in changing this dynamic with your family, then you need to start by assuming when they brush off your insecurities, they're being sincere, just insensitive. There's one thing you mentioned that you can change yourself - if the rest of the family "talk every day" and you don't, make a resolution to talk to your family at least once every day. Call your mom in the evening? Say at least one thing in the family group chat that includes you at least daily? Facetime? If they were the ones always busy with activities together and you just wanted to stay in your room and read (mood!) they may be used to thinking of you as the one who doesn't *want* to talk - and you may never have gotten in the habit of starting the conversations yourself - it's so easy to go from not naturally chatting much to not thinking you'd want to go to the ball game with them or forgetting you weren't there when they shared the news or whatever.

So start the change yourself, and talk every day. It might be weird and awkward, you might feel like you've got nothing to say! But give it, like, a month of sticking to the resolution, and by the end of the month you will have some data: either they'll be starting to reach back more, or it will be obvious they actually *don't* want to talk to you, or it will be obvious you really don't want to talk to *them* every day, and either way you'll have a better idea of what you want to do about it.

[cereta]

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I did not write this letter.

LW, I hate to say it, but you're almost certainly never going to have the relationship with your family that you want. Cultivate close friendships, and form a family from people who don't think you're weird.