Care & Feeding: I Think My Husband’s Constant Demand to Get a Dog Is Sexist

[minoanmiss]

Is this like when people tell women they’ll change their minds about kids?



Dear Care and Feeding,

Let me start by saying I think it’s great that other people have pets. I just don’t want one in my house. I’ve frankly never understood the appeal of having an animal who needs daily care throughout its life, especially if that care is going to involve shedding, excrement, and a smelly house. I’ve always wanted children, but part of what excited me about them was that they grow, learn, and slowly begin to take care of themselves more and more. Now I have a child (a toddler), and I adore him. My husband seems to be of the opinion that every child needs a pet. I don’t agree with that sentiment and have explained why. He seems mostly contented with that for now. But what’s really bothering me is my husband’s seeming insistence on the inevitability that our child will someday wear us (me) down on the issue. Is it really so unreasonable to maintain that we are going to have a pet-free household? Is it possible that this is just a version of people continually telling women that they’re going to change their minds about having kids?

—Pet-Free Please

I chuckled when you said you don’t want the responsibility of picking up an animal’s poop and dealing with a smelly house when that is literally what raising a tiny human is like. Sure, tiny humans grow into not-so-tiny humans eventually, but it certainly isn’t clear sailing from that point. Also, people have been trying to convince other people to do things they aren’t interested in since the beginning of time. Hell, I think I received five calls in the past week from salespeople trying to get me to extend my car’s warranty. It’s nothing new, really.

Not that this matters to you, but I also share the same belief that your husband has about pets, in that every child should grow up with one. There are plenty of animals that don’t shed and make the house smell (my dog is one of them), and if pets were such horrifically annoying creatures, then 70 percent of Americans wouldn’t own them as they currently do now. That’s because the pros far outweigh the cons in terms of pet ownership, and one of the pros is what pets can teach our children. Responsibility and empathy are two of the biggest ones.

In your defense, my wife was very similar to you and offered the same concerns that you had. I kept pushing because I knew my kids wanted a puppy (especially during the pandemic when we were all stuck at home), and I knew it would benefit them. Then I finally struck a deal with her. I said that the kids and I would handle 100 percent of the walks, feedings, vet bills, poop cleanup, etc., and she could just enjoy the fun parts of dog ownership — namely the snuggles and belly rubs. She ended up taking us up on it, and she completely loves our puppy and couldn’t imagine her life without him in it.

You may believe that you’ll never do what my wife did, and that’s fine—but what will happen when your kid gets older, and he wants to have a dog or cat? It will be two votes against one— so consider the feelings of everyone in your household. Like I said earlier, I think a fair deal would be to have your husband and son handle everything pet-related. The healthiest families I know are the ones who believe in compromise.

—Doyin

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Did Doyin actually read this letter, or just skim it?

Reading between the lines: LW has a toddler, who cannot yet help take care of the dog, and she knows her husband is unlikely to take care of the dog, leaving her to do so (this is a very common dynamic in families, where the person who wants the pet is not the one who ends up taking care of it). I can see why LW doesn't want that additional burden right now.

Also, one nice thing about children is that sooner or later most of them toilet-train, you know?

Maybe if the son were ten and also agitating for a dog, the advice might be more useful. Maybe not (many people agree to take care of the pet, then just don't, and the pet still needs taking care of, so it ends up falling to the caretaker to do it). And I'm personally not sure if the husband's demand is sexist or no. But I think Doyin's response really might be.

[lannamichaels]

I have a negative amount of social life and even I, in the last month, have listened to a woman complain about having to take care of the dog that her husband and her teenage kids never ever help with, and she never wanted a dog in the first place.

"The kids will take care of the dog they want" - are you sure? "The husband will take care of the dog he wants" - and if he doesn't? Are you going to give the dog up for adoption the first day they leave it on you? The second day? The second month? Or is it never, and it's just one more chore that you get stuck with by default because it has to get done by somebody?

And, yes. I do in fact think that being really pushy about getting a pet when someone has explicitly said they don't want one is an asshole thing to do. Who is being asked to compromise and why?

[raven]

This is such a bullshit answer!

[harpers_child]

Maybe LW's husband can go volunteer to work with pets somewhere and leave LW out of it.

While not anti-pet entirely, I have no desire to ever live with a dog. I've watched my sisters' dogs when circumstances required, sometimes for months. This has cemented my desire to never own a dog. (We are planning on getting a pair of cats.)

The kid can visit friends who have pets when they're older and get their animal time in that way. Or child can also volunteer somewhere to work with pets.

[xenacryst]

Good grief, can the LW get just one tiny second of not being bullied and belittled from every fucking direction about her desire to not have a pet? Oh, no, I guess not. Pets are magical things and everyone wants one, NEEDS one, whether they know it or not. Kind of like dick and booze.

{and I love cats}

[needles]

Wow, what a shitty answer, and I side eyeing the third paragraph hard. Doyin doesn't say he actually does anything with their puppy, just that "I promised I would and my wife caved and now we have a dog and she totally loves it! :)" That's an ultimatum a lot of people have given and, at least in my experience, has never been true.

I do think it's kinda a leap to say "It's just like how women are expected to have children", because there are a lot of other sexist issues mixed up into that, but I totally understand the LW's frustration.

[conuly]

It is technically true that after I agreed to adopt dogs with my sister for her nieces I love them both and cannot imagine life without them.

Guess which human in this household does ALL the dog care? It's not the person who adopted them! It's not the person who wanted them! Yes, that's right, it's me. The vets think my name is Sister's Name, because I'm the one who takes them for their visits and she's the one who pays.

(Fair's fair, I did bring two of our cats into the house. The kids snuck the other two in, plus one more who eventually went to live with one of his three other families. But I'm the one who takes care of the cats too.)

[movingfinger]

In a run of lousy advice from Slate columnists, this one really stands out.

No means no. The LW understandably doesn't want to be tied down to cleaning, exercising, entertaining, feeding, doctoring, vet-tripping, and cleaning up more for a pet. JFC on fire, Doyin. Is Doyin male? This answer sounds so f'ing male.

[resonant]

Huh, I thought I was imagining the pattern of lousy responses in Slate. I thought I was just sad because Daniel left.

[minoanmiss]

No, they've been pretty lousy lately.

[oursin]

a fair deal would be to have your husband and son handle everything pet-related

Why yes, so it would, and that is why we never, ever see posts to advice sites from worn-out women who have been landed with looking after pets they never wanted and even had promises made about who would look after them that were light as air.

Though, fair dos, at least in this instance husband has mooted and discussed the topic in advance and hasn't come home already bearing Adorable Puppy (of some breed totally impracticable for their actual living situation).

I do wonder whether it is really, really inevitable that Little Sprog will want/need a pet - and if they do, whether they will, in fact, be passionate for stick insects or goldfish.... rather than Daddy's Dream Doggie.

[ysobel]

Oh jeez. I grew up without pets -- in part because my sister is allergic -- and wasn't irreparably damaged! I'm in favor of pets, generally speaking, but a) only when everyone's on board, b) not wanting one is enough of a reason to say no, and c) new pet plus toddler sounds like an exponential shitton of work.

It feels like husband is using the kid as an excuse for what HE wants, and I worry that as the kid gets older he'll start planting ideas. A kid that's told "pets are awesome you just need to convince mom" will be more distressed by no-pet than a kid that isn't egged on by dad

An "Asker does the work" deal doesn't work if the other person imposes it, and only works if the asker follows through. And even if he does, that's less time helping parent their kid or doing housework, and the letter doesn't scream "husband is super responsible"

[ysobel]

...also "babies are okay because they grow up to be independent adults" kind of assumes no disability

but that's beside the point

[conuly]

new pet plus toddler sounds like an exponential shitton of work.

Also risky for both the pet and the toddler. They can hurt each other.

[mommy]

I don't necessarily agree that "every kid needs a pet," but if I did then I would still question why the pet has to be a dog. Why not a cat, or a gerbil, or a snake? Fish would work. So would an ant farm. There are options beyond dogs, and some of those options even manage to avoid the worst parts of shedding and a smelly house. I have to assume the issue is that the husband wants a dog and is using the "every kid needs a pet" line as an excuse.

[conuly]

Gerbils aren't terribly social animals, and finding vet care for small mammals can be tricky in some areas.

As for a fish or a snake, I wouldn't trust the average person to take care of either a fish OR a snake. Most people think you can just plop those in a bowl and go on with your life, and that's not really right. The next person to tell me that goldfish live short lives anyway is gonna get an earful.

[lemonsharks]

I meant to reply to this comment but it didn't nest correctly.

https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/440482.html?thread=5261986#cmt5261986

[conuly]

You cannot compromise on pet ownership, unless the compromise is a pet rock.

[lemonsharks]

Fish I agree with because fish involved dealing with water parameters and even fish people and professional aquarists unilaterally agree that maintaining the habitat and health of their animals is a pain in the behind.

Buuuuuuuutt... I bought my first snake after 20some years about 6 weeks ago.

Even in my overinvested, overprotective nature, my snake has added about 45 seconds extra work to my average day. That includes daily posts to her Instagram. And that 45 seconds is only because I don't have her daylight & basking combo lamp on an outlet timer.

They eat once a once a week to once every two months depending on size, poop once per meal, and if you go with a drought tolerant species like a rosy boa or kenyan sand boa it's not the end of the world if their water bowl sits dry for a couple of days. They don't need or want a snake friend. They don't care one way or another if you don't have time to love on them or walk them, and pretty much every aspects of husbandry can be automated except feeding and water dish refilling. A snake can lead a great life in a big enriched enclosure with little to no human interaction.

If the kid wanders off? It's nowhere near a dog's worth of extra labor for the kid's caretaker.

Tldr snakes are probably the best pet for a beginner pet owner, and with good education and some light supervision I'd absolutely recommend them for pretty much any kid old enough to moderate their grip.

[minoanmiss]

You got the snake! !!!!! why don't I have an appropriate Minoan icon?

[lemonsharks]

I DID! her name is Snekscalibur, because she is a rosy boa and her head stamp and dorsal stripe make her look like a very wiggly sword.

(Rosys are stripey the long way, not the short way)

[minoanmiss]

She sounds BEAUTIFUL. Want me to make a Viewing of the Snake post in my journal?

[lemonsharks]

YES PLEASE

[minoanmiss]

Here we are! https://minoanmiss.dreamwidth.org/852856.html

[firecat]

OMG I’ve been pet free since my cat died a year ago because right now I don’t want any creature that requires me to keep to a daily schedule. But I like having a pet. I’m super tempted to get a snek now.

[lemonsharks]

YouTube channels I highly recommend:

Wickens Wicked Reptiles

Clint's Reptiles

Snake Discovery

Elle's Reptiles

Reach Out Reptiles (although Garrett is pretty strictly a dwarf/superdwarf reticulated python guy, some of his info is applicable to all python species.

Top 5 reptiles for X videos are a great place to start.

Wickens is the god of care guides; his bigger is better enclosure philosophy is gospel to me and he genuinely loves every animal in his collection. The other go-to ace for reptile care guides is reptiles magazine.

(Bigger is better also applies to height. With very few exceptions, snakes will climb of you give them the opportunity to climb.)

Get an individual that's already eating frozen/thawed prey, because transitioning from live to FT is a pain.

From there you'll just keep a Tupperware full of dead rodents in your freezer and replenish every few months.

Your web marketplace for reptiles is morphmarket.com; you use their DM function to talk directly with breeders and arrange shipping and payment.

[firecat]

Ooh, thank you so much for all the resources!

[lemonsharks]

Of course! I'm a few years into snake research so don't hesitate to poke me with any questions you have!

[lemonsharks]

what will happen when your kid gets older, and he wants to have a dog or cat? It will be two votes against one

For one thing, husbando wants a dog, so if kiddo wants a cat it will be 1 vs 1 vs 1. Not 2 vs 1.

For another thing, pet ownership is not a democracy and every adult in the household has the right to unilaterally hard no the addition of a new household member. Like a dog.

For ANOTHER another thing, if husbando were so dead set of having a dog he should have married a dog person.

(I have yes cats and reptiles no dogs in my dating profile. The only exception I would make would be if a household member came to need a service dog after we were already committed, and even then it would have to be a comes already trained service dog. I don't date people who have or want dogs, including service dogs, period. Because I don't like dogs and I don't want to live with them.)

[ashbet]

Yep, I feel the same.

Love my cats, never want to live under the same roof as a dog — not because I’m a dog-hater (I like my friends’ dogs if they’re well-behaved/trained), but I don’t want all the lifestyle adjustments required to properly care for a dog, I’m disabled and can’t walk a dog regularly, and I got attacked by one as a child and am always hypervigilant around them, and want to be able to relax in my own home.

LW has an entirely reasonable boundary, and this is shitty advice. We all know who would wind up taking care of the dog, in the end.

(I don’t date people for whom dog ownership is a dealbreaker, unless it’s clear that we will never live together.)

[lemonsharks]

Yeah. I wish I could say that "people with an old software ok as long as it's the last dog we have" but it's never "the last dog we have". Dog people are always going to want dog, and I'd rather not set myself up for the very real possibility of coming home to find Partner got a puppy expecting I'd come around one I met it.

I've cared for upwards of 60-70+ puppies in my day and I am completely Dogged Out.

(Visiting someone with a well behaved dog is fine, because I pet the dog once or twice and then leave it behind when I go home. Which is about as much dog as I want in my life per year.)

[adrian_turtle]

For one thing, husbando wants a dog, so if kiddo wants a cat it will be 1 vs 1 vs 1. Not 2 vs 1.

Neither the columnist nor the father care what the child actually wants. The child is a stand-in, a way to express the father's desires. The advantage of expressing them that way is that you can't argue with a child who can't talk. ("We have to spend the weekend with my parents because the baby would be so disappointed to miss Christmas with Grandma and all the cousins.") It's even harder to argue with a child who doesn't exist yet, this child of 2027 whose father says will love dogs and share his father's desires and not care about his mother's feelings at all.

[lemonsharks]

This exactly.

The entire letter is about husbando wanting a dog. Edit: for himself. Which 80/20 odds he will let his wife take primary care of.

[shirou]

In my house, my wife is the one who wants pets, and I’m the one who prefers to remain pet-free. We had cats for 17 years, but they (sadly) died, and now I want to at least wait a while before getting another pet.

My wife avoids telling me too often that she wants a pet. Saying it all the time would be bullying of a sort. Not sure about LW’s question of sexism. I agree with the columnist that it is a bit unreasonable not to expect your child(ren) to have their own opinions on pets that you’ll need to factor into future decision-making.

[cereta]

I don't know if the husband is being sexist, but the columnist sure as fuck is. What a steeping pile of condescending dog shit.

[naath]

dogs stink, if you get a dog your house will stink of dog. Babies also stink, but not the same. Also a dog will not enjoy living with a dog disliking person.

[firecat]

I grew up with dogs but I really wanted a cat but my mom didn’t like cats so I never had one as a kid. I got one as soon as I had my own home. I suppose one could argue being deprived of cats as a kid scarred me for life, because I’m obsessed with cats. But I’m hardly the only one. (*gestures at the entire Internet*)

[vindoletta]

if pets were such horrifically annoying creatures, then 70 percent of Americans wouldn’t own them as they currently do now.

And how high are the rates of animal abuse and abandonment of said pets? Maybe too many people having pets "just because" it's part of the problem, and not a good thing.

Also, so what? Just because a high majority of people does something, it doesn't automatically make it good, or right for everyone. What a stupid, fallacious reasoning.