Carolyn Hax: LW thinks fifth bride in family's wedding is not as big a deal

[firebatvillain]

Dear Carolyn: I have five children, two daughters. “Lynn” is 40, and “Emma” is 29. Lynn got married 15 years ago, and since she was the first bride of the younger generation, a big fuss was made over her wedding by me, my two sisters and especially my mother.

Emma is getting married next month, but since she is the fifth and last bride in our family, it’s not as big a deal. That’s the way it was in the previous generation, too, because this happened to my sister, the sixth bride that time around.

Complicating matters is the fact that Lynn is a stay-at-home mom of four whose husband recently left her for another woman. She is in a tailspin and requiring a lot of support. The whole family of women are pulling together for her, cooking, cleaning, taking turns sleeping at her house, etc. Except for my mom, we all have full-time jobs, which two of us didn’t have 15 years ago.

All that leaves us with little time or energy to focus on Emma’s wedding, which I thought she would understand. When she asked when we would all be making the usual desserts and decorations for the reception, no one felt they could commit.

Emma was hurt and pointed out what everyone did for Lynn, but we can’t even “do the minimum” for her. I was blindsided by her anger. I’m sorry we did more for her sister and cousins, but Lynn has the greater need right now.

I told Emma her father and I are paying for everything just like we did for her sister, and she could ask her friends to help.

Am I/are we being unfair to Emma?

— Blindsided

Blindsided: Wicked. As they say we New Englanders say.

It’s not that the family women need to match prior efforts cupcake-for-cupcake. Life happens.

But how about a little compassion? Or just giving a fig.

“I’m so sorry. You got totally pushed aside by Lynn’s mess, and that was not fair to you.”

Instead she got: “Hello, can’t you see we’re busy with the one we also gave all the cupcakes? Go ask your friends. And hey, ‘You’re welcome!’ for the cash.”

Heck of a message for a bride to get from Mom.

Sorry — fifth bride.

That birth-order info passes the explanation test, but, excuse? Keep walkin’.

Call this the lashings out of a fourth-daughter columnist. But, whoo, Emma and I both need spa time after “it’s not as big a deal.”

You, clearly not a fifth or sixth bride or fourth daughter yourself, seem to have picked up a family indifference to the last* of bulk lives. But Emma apparently developed immunity and actually cares. The life being hers, perhaps?

[Deep cleansing breath.]

I know Lynn’s agony means you’re writing from the business end of an emotional wringer; I do understand. I could do a manual override and put this through my de-exasperation filter.

But, wow, how hurt and alone Emma must feel. Maybe leaving my filter off can help you grasp that.

Even a happy bride of 29 who aches for her sister can still have stuff of her own and crave some of that glorious female support everyone else in your family gets to enjoy. Big fuss is your support language, yes?

Plus: Nothing like a sister’s traumatic marital implosion just as you’re writing your own vows to rattle the nerves. Emma has probably kept a lot inside to this point.

So envelop your most precious afterthought in love, please. Somehow. If only with, “I’m so sorry.”

* Careful with “last bride” in a letter where a first marriage kabooms.

Comments

[firebatvillain]

Last year I attended my cousin's wedding where she was the 4th child in her family and last unmarried one to get married, and it was noticeably less big, fancy and expensive than her older siblings' weddings, all of which her parents had paid for. In this case, it was due to the family being in a tight spot financially, rather than any favoritism, but she still was a bit crestfallen about when we were reminiscing about it this year.

[watersword]

Bet you a dollar that this is not the first time Emma has heard "this is the fifth time we're doing [a sweet sixteen, a graduation, a first job celebration], obviously we're less excited this time around" and is also going to get shafted on "just take the hand-me-downs from your sisters, this is the nth grandbaby, why do you need a baby shower?"

[nineveh_uk]

+1 Other people's crises, too. Sorry, Emma, we can't come to see you for X, Lynn and her husband need a babysitter. Emma may well have been getting by on the minimum, and now she isn't even getting that? I can only hope her in-laws are nice.

[melannen]

Tell Emma, "Look, we did the big all-out wedding for Lynn, and look how that turned out! You should want better for yourself."

(I mean if you do that, it won't end well, but I want you to anyway. Wow. "We did a huge blowout wedding for your sister and now we can't pay attention to yours because her marriage imploded!" is sure. A thing.)

[dr_zook]

"Look, we did the big all-out wedding for Lynn, and look how that turned out! You should want better for yourself."

That would really be a great reply! Better than the things said, at least. 🙄

[yarnandglue]

Oof, the "I'm sorry we did more for her sister and cousins..." line. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I can understand a first daughter getting a lot of excitement and hubbub. But LW knows she put more attention into her nieces'/Emma cousins' weddings than she's willing/able to give her daughter? Ouch :(

[firebatvillain]

Yikes, I missed the "and cousins" part the first time I read through it. Poor Emma.

[jadelennox]

Even without the cousins, LW doesn't seem to be able to understand that "the fifth and last bride in our family [is] not as big a deal" to her, but it's Emma's first wedding. It's a big deal to Emma. When you're a low birth-order kid and grandkid you might be able to intellectually understand your parents' boredom at major life events, but that doesn't make it hurt even an ounce less.

[magid]

This is Emma’s first (and possibly only) wedding! Birth order in the family seems bizarrely important to them. It’s not like it’s the fifth wedding this year (in which case, I could totally understand the fatigue); the first wedding was 14 years ago. That’s about one wedding every three years or so. Why shouldn’t *everyone* get the support from their family that the others got?! Yes, Lynn had a bad thing happen, but it’s ridiculous that the parents are basically saying to Emma to suck it up. She *wants* her family involved, and they’re all noping out dut to Lynn’s drama? Not ok. The family is totally being unfair to Emma.

Emma deserves so much better.

(Snarky me wonders how much effort the family might go to for Lynn’s second marriage……)

[cereta]

Wow. Just...wow. I love when people say, "that's just the way it is" about things they could absolutely control if they chose to.

[conuly]

If you know in advance that you can't commit to caring about your 5th kid as much as your 1st kid - which it sure sounds like by the way LW frontloads that explanation! - maybe stop a little sooner?

That’s the way it was in the previous generation, too, because this happened to my sister, the sixth bride that time around.

I wonder what Sister has to say about all this?

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Yeah, I'd hit up the low-birth-order aunts and cousins who also got shafted, and see if they wanted to throw something fandangous. Preferably more of a blast than the precious firsts got.

[mrissa]

I'm just stunned that her response to "this happened to my sister too" is not "and I resolved that I would make DAMN SURE it did not happen to MY CHILD." I have so many friends who have talked about feeling like they were an afterthought and left out of family stuff, that nobody really cared whether they were there, because they didn't have a partner and kids. And my response was, "NOT ON MY WATCH" for my youngest BIL. How is that not the response when you notice a pattern of someone feeling that way?

[firebatvillain]

This may be uncharitable of me, but I speculate that LW was one of the first marriages in her generation and never gave a second thought to her sister's feelings.

[laurajv]

I have 4 sisters and if anyone had even THOUGHT of treating my baby sister's wedding like this the rest of us would have all rioted in her defense.

[jadelennox]

Thank you. ❤️❤️

[green_grrl]

“The whole family of women are pulling together for her, cooking, cleaning, taking turns sleeping at her house, etc.”

Out of grandma, mom, two aunts, and three non-divorcing sisters, none of them can do desserts and decorations? Really? None of them? It seems like grandma can move in with divorcee full time, with one or two other family members to spell her, while the others celebrate the bride. I’m appalled that seven family members are focused entirely on one sister and not the other.

[castiron]

I think the other three might be cousins rather than sisters; the wording makes me think that Lynn and Emma are the only daughters and there's three sons between them.

And still, really? They can't at least say "I'm sorry we're so crunched because of your sister's crisis, but let's figure out some decorations/snacks that are fairly simple so we can at least do somethingn for you even if it's not as much as we did for your sister and your three cousins."

I hope Emma can get the consideration from her future in-laws that she's not getting from her birth family.

[joyeuce]

I notice it's only the women who are stepping up for Lynn (and failing to step up for Emma)! There are three brothers, a father, possibly a grandfather, probably some uncles and male cousins, and LW doesn't even appear to consider that any of them should get involved.

[zavodilaterrarium]

Always felt like having more than 3-4 kids in a similar age-range was a recipe for neglect and being overwhelmed. 1 might be lonely but at least they get the full possible attention. 2 is still pretty decent and a little less lonely. 3 has more dynamics to keep things interesting for the kids, but is definitely pushing guardians to all kinds of limits — even with “perfect” children, it can’t be good for your finances.

Why the need to downplay anything that’s not the first of its kind, especially when it comes to your family and friends? Simply ridiculous. Like, I’m not particularly a wedding person, but I would still say it’s reasonable to be upset if only older/faster family members get the golden treatment. There’s also no way this is the only sidelining incident for Emma.

I certainly feel for Lynn, and she deserves a lot of support, but the ‘minimum’ that Emma deserves is the utmost understanding. Weddings are extremely important for a majority of people, sometimes even their most treasured memory. No matter how frivolous of a concern it might appear to someone with no interest, if someone’s already invested, there is no cost to extending an empathetic hand. No shame in lacking the resources to help with the wedding, but it’s a bad look to lack enough love for the “leftover child” to better compromise with or comfort her.