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Dear Prudence,
My stepmother spent my childhood cutting me down to build her daughter up. Any accomplishment of mine was nothing, and anything my stepsister did was celebrated. I would get straight A’s, and I got lectured. My stepsister managed not to completely fail her honor classes, and she got a party. I dropped out of college to pursue a career in a technical field; my stepsister failed out completely. She currently works in retail but plans on pursuing a master’s degree.
I got a promotion at work and threw a small gathering to celebrate. My stepmother started to belittle me, saying any “idiot” could work at my company and that it was all busywork. I told her that at least I wasn’t stupid enough to have over $75,000 in college loans and working for minimum wage. I left school with a 3.8 GPA, and my company was offering to pay for me to finish it. I told her to leave—I wasn’t going to listen to her while she ate my cake. My father told me I couldn’t speak to his wife like that. I told him to leave too. My stepsister was in the next room. I wasn’t thinking about her; I just wanted to stand up to my stepmother. My stepsister announced to the room that what I had said was 100 percent true, and she congratulated me. Then she left. I haven’t spoken to anyone in my family. My parents can go rot for all I care, but I know I owe my stepsister an apology. We aren’t close, but she did not deserve that. Every time I try to get the right words out, they get tangled up in resentment and regret.
—Constant Comparison
It might help to put what you want to say in writing if you don’t yet feel prepared to have a conversation with your stepsister about the painful forced-competition dynamics you experienced growing up. I’m of the opinion that an apology should usually be able to stand on its own without a lot in the way of explanation, if only because that can pretty quickly start to look like a series of excuses or mitigation. Your goal shouldn’t be to try to heal your relationship or perfectly address everything your parents did wrong in the past. It should simply be to apologize for what you said at your party. And nothing could really be simpler: “I’m so sorry for how I treated you at my party. I don’t think you’re stupid, and I should never have said that. I was angry and wanted to lash out. That’s no excuse for how I spoke about your work and your life. I know you work hard and that you’re excited to get your master’s degree, and I’m sorry I spoke so rudely about your life. I want to find ways to defend my own life without trying to tear other people down, so that even if I find myself getting angry or defensive in the future, I don’t say things like this again.”
Unless your stepsister congratulated you in the most sarcastic of tones, she seems to be on some level aware that your parents have a history of forcing comparisons between the two of you and also objected to the way they spoke to you at your party. You two may not necessarily become the closest of siblings after this, but it’s possible she’ll be receptive to your apology and want to talk more about your shared history, which may help put to rest some of the old resentments your parents have tried to engender. Good luck!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/02/dear-prudence-ex-says-intimidating-new-girlfriend.html
My stepmother spent my childhood cutting me down to build her daughter up. Any accomplishment of mine was nothing, and anything my stepsister did was celebrated. I would get straight A’s, and I got lectured. My stepsister managed not to completely fail her honor classes, and she got a party. I dropped out of college to pursue a career in a technical field; my stepsister failed out completely. She currently works in retail but plans on pursuing a master’s degree.
I got a promotion at work and threw a small gathering to celebrate. My stepmother started to belittle me, saying any “idiot” could work at my company and that it was all busywork. I told her that at least I wasn’t stupid enough to have over $75,000 in college loans and working for minimum wage. I left school with a 3.8 GPA, and my company was offering to pay for me to finish it. I told her to leave—I wasn’t going to listen to her while she ate my cake. My father told me I couldn’t speak to his wife like that. I told him to leave too. My stepsister was in the next room. I wasn’t thinking about her; I just wanted to stand up to my stepmother. My stepsister announced to the room that what I had said was 100 percent true, and she congratulated me. Then she left. I haven’t spoken to anyone in my family. My parents can go rot for all I care, but I know I owe my stepsister an apology. We aren’t close, but she did not deserve that. Every time I try to get the right words out, they get tangled up in resentment and regret.
—Constant Comparison
It might help to put what you want to say in writing if you don’t yet feel prepared to have a conversation with your stepsister about the painful forced-competition dynamics you experienced growing up. I’m of the opinion that an apology should usually be able to stand on its own without a lot in the way of explanation, if only because that can pretty quickly start to look like a series of excuses or mitigation. Your goal shouldn’t be to try to heal your relationship or perfectly address everything your parents did wrong in the past. It should simply be to apologize for what you said at your party. And nothing could really be simpler: “I’m so sorry for how I treated you at my party. I don’t think you’re stupid, and I should never have said that. I was angry and wanted to lash out. That’s no excuse for how I spoke about your work and your life. I know you work hard and that you’re excited to get your master’s degree, and I’m sorry I spoke so rudely about your life. I want to find ways to defend my own life without trying to tear other people down, so that even if I find myself getting angry or defensive in the future, I don’t say things like this again.”
Unless your stepsister congratulated you in the most sarcastic of tones, she seems to be on some level aware that your parents have a history of forcing comparisons between the two of you and also objected to the way they spoke to you at your party. You two may not necessarily become the closest of siblings after this, but it’s possible she’ll be receptive to your apology and want to talk more about your shared history, which may help put to rest some of the old resentments your parents have tried to engender. Good luck!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/02/dear-prudence-ex-says-intimidating-new-girlfriend.html
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I'd just like LW to detail what they did because I'd really love fro these 2 to have a chance to become friends, despite their horrible parents. The father saying "my wife" to LW just says it all for his role in this as well as the crummy stepmother.