Carolyn Hax: Grandson belittling his sister

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: My grandson, 14, is responsible, kind, loving and sensitive … mostly. I have a 12-year-old granddaughter, his sister, who also is a darling: creative, empathic, sensitive. I know he loves her and it’s mutual, but he constantly belittles her, since they were small. It turns into her defending herself, and he doubles down. If she hands it back, she invariably is either in trouble — or leaves the scene.

I have not been able to deal with this with any satisfaction. Explaining, scolding, ignoring — nothing. I think I lean on guilt. (Not a good railing!) And I don’t have the language to address it in a kinder, more effective way.

I don’t feel as if I was effective in this realm with my children. I reacted like my parents, and it was not good parenting. I want to do better. Any advice?

— Grandparent

Grandparent: I appreciate your honesty and lucid self-appraisal.

Both of these can help you with your grandson.

The approaches you say you’ve tried — “explaining, scolding … guilt” — are top-down corrections, authority to subject, “Do this.” Some of that is unavoidable, especially with small children, but, “Be nice!” isn’t one of the lessons best taught that way. You’re encouraging thoughtfulness and respect, not obedience, so model the respect for their (age-appropriate) autonomy that you want them to show for others’. Plus, you’re dealing with a mindful 14-year-old. You can have a conversation with him.

So get his attention in the moment, as you witness him belittling his sister — a gentle but firm, “Hey. C’mere.” Then: “I wonder how you’d feel if I talked to you the way you just talked to your sister?” If he brushes you off, then: “I’m serious. I’d like to hear what you think.” Engage him. Insist gently that he form his own response.

The more of his attention you have, and the more willing he is to participate, the more you can pack into this lesson.

Role-playing, for example. Can you demonstrate by saying to him what he just said to his sister? Will he balk at saying the same thing to you? If so, then what can he learn from that?

You can also acknowledge where you’ve fallen short yourself; it’s disarming and often effective. “We’ve been over this, you and I, but it’s still happening. I admit I haven’t always handled it well.” Admit it! Be flawed. Then: “But you’re a good person” — building him up — “and you’re old enough now to catch and correct yourself when you do this.” Using cooperation vs. scolding improves your chances for a better outcome by involving and investing him in the better outcome.

These words are all kind. As with any lessons, there’s no guarantee they’ll be effective, but they at least teach the right thing: empathy.

Instruction in the moment is best, but you won’t engage him effectively if he’s dismissive, enraged, preoccupied or heading out the door for something else. Chasing can undermine your authority, so read the room, and choose your moment wisely.

But don’t let his belittling go by unchecked, even if you choose to wait. Again, be loving and firm: “Hey, not okay.” Plant the flag, don’t budge and bring him back to it as soon as the time is right.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This looks good to me. What do you think?

[cereta]

My only questions are:

1. Where are the kids' parents? Is the grandparent custodial, or otherwise spending a great deal of time responsible for the kids? The passive voiced "she is...in trouble" makes it sound like someone not LW is disciplining her. If not, then, well, LW can fix that.

2. I wish more emphasis had been put on intervening as it happens. Obviously LW can't be there all the time, but they've also clearly observed it, so at what point, if ever, are they stepping in and saying, "Hold it: no."?

[xenacryst]

1. was my huge question, too. I mean, the advice is really good. But this does not read to me like the grandparent is the only adult in the room, and the parents are very conspicuously missing.

[green_grrl]

“If she hands it back, she invariably is either in trouble — or leaves the scene” — it sounds like the parents are worse than useless (perhaps bad lessons from LW when parent she raised was young?).

[conuly]

I'm also confused on where the parents are.

[tamsin]

he constantly belittles her, since they were small. It turns into her defending herself, and he doubles down. If she hands it back, she invariably is either in trouble — or leaves the scene.

Why is your granddaughter in trouble for defending herself? And why isn't your grandson in trouble way before it comes to that, since as you describe it he is usually the one who starts bullying her?

[lilysea]

Why is your granddaughter in trouble for defending herself? And why isn't your grandson in trouble way before it comes to that, since as you describe it he is usually the one who starts bullying her?

I'm wondering if its a family where boy-children are treated as more valuable than girl-children :(

[p_cocincinus]

I suspect Brother has learned he can say mean things to his sister until she loses her temper and lashes out, and then SHE gets in trouble (for escalating, for hitting when he's "just" been using words) and the only "appropriate" reaction she can find in the moment is leaving the room? My younger brothers were two years apart, and I definitely witnessed the elder pushing the younger's buttons in exactly that way. The kid who hits is always the one who gets in trouble, even if the hitting kid has been bullied to the point of tears before they did anything, because certain parenting styles ignore what's happening until somebody gets smacked.

[topaz_eyes]

This is excellent advice but it won't amount to much if the parents continue to allow the boy to bully his sister. Sounds like LW needs to have a conversation with them too.