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agonyaunt2026-02-11 11:06 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2026-02-11 11:06 am
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Ask a Manager: my employee was excluded from a team-building event because of their weight...
my employee was excluded from a team-building event because of their weight — how do I make this right?
I think I messed up with a team-building event I organized and I am not sure what, if anything, I should do to correct the situation.
There is an adventure center about 30 minutes from the office where I work. Each year for the last several years (minus the Covid years) I have set up a Saturday event where my team spends the day doing the various activities that this center offers. This event is pretty popular with the team. Based on the advice I’ve seen on your site, I make it abundantly clear that it is entirely optional. We typically do brunch before heading to the center and then dinner afterwards. People are welcome to (and do) just join for one of the meals or just part of the afternoon at the center, really whatever combination of stuff they’re interested in.
Here’s where I may have messed up. One of the activities offered by the center is a zip-lining tour. I schedule one of these tours for the team each year when we go. However, there is a weight limit. It honestly didn’t even occur to me to question whether or not the members of my team are within the weight limit.
When we showed up to start the zip-lining, the people running the tour singled out one of our team members, Chris, and asked them if they were under the weight limit and then asked them to step on a scale to confirm. Chris has participated for the last several years and was never asked about their weight previously. However, they were not under the limit and were not allowed to participate. Chris confirmed that they wanted us to still go without them, and I am pretty sure they would have been even more upset if none of us had gone because they couldn’t go. I let them know that they could take my company card and do whatever other activity they were interested in if they wanted to. They ended up sitting in the car by themselves for the two hours the tour took.
After we were done, we went to dinner. I could tell Chris was trying to be positive but they also made a few comments about how they shouldn’t eat because they’re already too heavy. Mostly those comments were met with a pause and then a change in topic because no one knew what to say.
Today is Monday and Chris is more withdrawn and unhappy than they typically are. Obviously that could be related to something that happened in their personal life after the event on Saturday, but I would have no way of knowing that.
Should I have cancelled the zip-lining tour when we were told they couldn’t come? How should I have handled their comments about not wanting to eat? I don’t know if just moving past them was the right way to handle them. Should I check in with them today? Should I just let it go?
Also, most weighing on my mind, should I continue to do these events? Should we do part of them but not the zip-lining? Should I try to plan an alternative activity during the same time for anyone who doesn’t want to participate? That feels a lot like asking people to tell me their weight range, though I definitely would open whatever I came up with to anyone who didn’t want to zip-line, regardless of weight.
I just feel so bad and my heart hurts for them because I know they’re hurting.
Oh no, this is awful.
First things first, apologize to Chris privately. Make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t put any burden on them to reassure you that it’s okay or even to talk about it if they don’t want to. I’d say it this way: “I owe you an apology for this weekend. I’m very unhappy with the way the adventure center handled that and I plan to call them later today to find out how we can avoid anything similar in the future. I really value you as a part of this team, and I’m going to be personally responsible for ensuring that neither you nor anyone else here will be put in that position again.”
Then, call the adventure center! Talk to a manager about what happened and ask how to avoid it in the future. Maybe the answer is that whenever you schedule one of these days in the future, you ask ahead of time about any activities that have weight restrictions and make it clear the team will skip those. But ask. And make it clear they need to find a way to enforce weight-related safety rules without singling out and embarrassing someone in front of a group.
If you do schedule more events there in the future, there’s a good chance Chris will be uneasy about going. You shouldn’t single them out, but you could provide everyone with info on the activities ahead of time, including something like, “We’re signed up for X, Y, and Z. None of these activities limit participants by height, weight, or medical condition, but we’re cautioned that X does involve ____ (put any details here that you can imagine someone conceivably wanting a warning about; for example, being on your feet for an hour or something that could trigger a fear of heights). if you want to sit any of these out, we’ve arranged ____ as an option too (other stuff? cocoa in the cafe? put something here).” That way you’re not singling Chris out but still letting them know they’re safe participating this time. And it’s a good practice regardless, because you never know who might have a relevant physical restriction/fear/dislike — and circumstances change, so even someone who participated in the past might not be able to do all the same things next time.
There’s also a question about whether this is a good place to do team-building at all. I’d argue no! I know you say your whole team loves it, but (a) not everyone will speak up if they don’t, although of course it’s also possible all the enthusiasm is genuine, and (b) at some point someone won’t be able to participate (a new person joins your team / someone develops a condition they didn’t used to have / etc.) and you don’t want them to be the “reason” the rest of the team has to stop. However, in this case, if you never go back after years of doing it, I’m worried Chris will feel self-conscious about that, so it’s worth thinking about exactly how to navigate that.
As for what you should have done in the moment: Agggh, it’s tough. I lean toward thinking you should have asked for an alternate activity instead of the zip-lining once you found out Chris wouldn’t be allowed, but there’s a pretty strong risk they would have felt awkward about being the reason no one else could participate (although probably not as awkward as they felt sitting in their car for two hours, so it might still be the better option). Another option would be for you to stay behind with them and find something enjoyable for the two of you — but again, Chris was probably going to feel awkward regardless. Some people in their shoes would appreciate the show of solidarity from a manager sitting it out with them, while others would feel worse … so it’s a hard call to make without knowing Chris.
Responding to Chris’s comments about not wanting to eat when you went to dinner afterwards: That’s tougher. In normal circumstances (not these), comments like that put an unfair burden on the rest of the group to manage the person’s emotions about diet/weight/food, which isn’t reasonable to ask of colleagues. But in this situation, it’s pretty understandable that Chris was looking for some emotional support after being embarrassed in front of their work team. (And to be clear, I am not saying that weight is shameful or that anyone should feel humiliated by being over the weight limit for a physical activity! But we live in a world where a lot of people do feel that way, and we can be sympathetic to Chris for how it clearly made them feel.) I suppose if you could go back and redo it, you could maybe say, “I’m upset that that happened, and I’m going to call the adventure company on Monday. But meanwhile, please eat, we think you are awesome and they suck for handling it like that.” I’m not sure, though — that’s a tough spot for everyone at that point. I think any of you would get points for trying to be supportive, rather than just uncomfortably ignoring the remarks! (But you’re all human and it’s hard to know how to respond in the moment.)
For now, though, please do check in on Chris and assure them you’re on it and it won’t happen again.
Read an update to this letter.
I think I messed up with a team-building event I organized and I am not sure what, if anything, I should do to correct the situation.
There is an adventure center about 30 minutes from the office where I work. Each year for the last several years (minus the Covid years) I have set up a Saturday event where my team spends the day doing the various activities that this center offers. This event is pretty popular with the team. Based on the advice I’ve seen on your site, I make it abundantly clear that it is entirely optional. We typically do brunch before heading to the center and then dinner afterwards. People are welcome to (and do) just join for one of the meals or just part of the afternoon at the center, really whatever combination of stuff they’re interested in.
Here’s where I may have messed up. One of the activities offered by the center is a zip-lining tour. I schedule one of these tours for the team each year when we go. However, there is a weight limit. It honestly didn’t even occur to me to question whether or not the members of my team are within the weight limit.
When we showed up to start the zip-lining, the people running the tour singled out one of our team members, Chris, and asked them if they were under the weight limit and then asked them to step on a scale to confirm. Chris has participated for the last several years and was never asked about their weight previously. However, they were not under the limit and were not allowed to participate. Chris confirmed that they wanted us to still go without them, and I am pretty sure they would have been even more upset if none of us had gone because they couldn’t go. I let them know that they could take my company card and do whatever other activity they were interested in if they wanted to. They ended up sitting in the car by themselves for the two hours the tour took.
After we were done, we went to dinner. I could tell Chris was trying to be positive but they also made a few comments about how they shouldn’t eat because they’re already too heavy. Mostly those comments were met with a pause and then a change in topic because no one knew what to say.
Today is Monday and Chris is more withdrawn and unhappy than they typically are. Obviously that could be related to something that happened in their personal life after the event on Saturday, but I would have no way of knowing that.
Should I have cancelled the zip-lining tour when we were told they couldn’t come? How should I have handled their comments about not wanting to eat? I don’t know if just moving past them was the right way to handle them. Should I check in with them today? Should I just let it go?
Also, most weighing on my mind, should I continue to do these events? Should we do part of them but not the zip-lining? Should I try to plan an alternative activity during the same time for anyone who doesn’t want to participate? That feels a lot like asking people to tell me their weight range, though I definitely would open whatever I came up with to anyone who didn’t want to zip-line, regardless of weight.
I just feel so bad and my heart hurts for them because I know they’re hurting.
Oh no, this is awful.
First things first, apologize to Chris privately. Make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t put any burden on them to reassure you that it’s okay or even to talk about it if they don’t want to. I’d say it this way: “I owe you an apology for this weekend. I’m very unhappy with the way the adventure center handled that and I plan to call them later today to find out how we can avoid anything similar in the future. I really value you as a part of this team, and I’m going to be personally responsible for ensuring that neither you nor anyone else here will be put in that position again.”
Then, call the adventure center! Talk to a manager about what happened and ask how to avoid it in the future. Maybe the answer is that whenever you schedule one of these days in the future, you ask ahead of time about any activities that have weight restrictions and make it clear the team will skip those. But ask. And make it clear they need to find a way to enforce weight-related safety rules without singling out and embarrassing someone in front of a group.
If you do schedule more events there in the future, there’s a good chance Chris will be uneasy about going. You shouldn’t single them out, but you could provide everyone with info on the activities ahead of time, including something like, “We’re signed up for X, Y, and Z. None of these activities limit participants by height, weight, or medical condition, but we’re cautioned that X does involve ____ (put any details here that you can imagine someone conceivably wanting a warning about; for example, being on your feet for an hour or something that could trigger a fear of heights). if you want to sit any of these out, we’ve arranged ____ as an option too (other stuff? cocoa in the cafe? put something here).” That way you’re not singling Chris out but still letting them know they’re safe participating this time. And it’s a good practice regardless, because you never know who might have a relevant physical restriction/fear/dislike — and circumstances change, so even someone who participated in the past might not be able to do all the same things next time.
There’s also a question about whether this is a good place to do team-building at all. I’d argue no! I know you say your whole team loves it, but (a) not everyone will speak up if they don’t, although of course it’s also possible all the enthusiasm is genuine, and (b) at some point someone won’t be able to participate (a new person joins your team / someone develops a condition they didn’t used to have / etc.) and you don’t want them to be the “reason” the rest of the team has to stop. However, in this case, if you never go back after years of doing it, I’m worried Chris will feel self-conscious about that, so it’s worth thinking about exactly how to navigate that.
As for what you should have done in the moment: Agggh, it’s tough. I lean toward thinking you should have asked for an alternate activity instead of the zip-lining once you found out Chris wouldn’t be allowed, but there’s a pretty strong risk they would have felt awkward about being the reason no one else could participate (although probably not as awkward as they felt sitting in their car for two hours, so it might still be the better option). Another option would be for you to stay behind with them and find something enjoyable for the two of you — but again, Chris was probably going to feel awkward regardless. Some people in their shoes would appreciate the show of solidarity from a manager sitting it out with them, while others would feel worse … so it’s a hard call to make without knowing Chris.
Responding to Chris’s comments about not wanting to eat when you went to dinner afterwards: That’s tougher. In normal circumstances (not these), comments like that put an unfair burden on the rest of the group to manage the person’s emotions about diet/weight/food, which isn’t reasonable to ask of colleagues. But in this situation, it’s pretty understandable that Chris was looking for some emotional support after being embarrassed in front of their work team. (And to be clear, I am not saying that weight is shameful or that anyone should feel humiliated by being over the weight limit for a physical activity! But we live in a world where a lot of people do feel that way, and we can be sympathetic to Chris for how it clearly made them feel.) I suppose if you could go back and redo it, you could maybe say, “I’m upset that that happened, and I’m going to call the adventure company on Monday. But meanwhile, please eat, we think you are awesome and they suck for handling it like that.” I’m not sure, though — that’s a tough spot for everyone at that point. I think any of you would get points for trying to be supportive, rather than just uncomfortably ignoring the remarks! (But you’re all human and it’s hard to know how to respond in the moment.)
For now, though, please do check in on Chris and assure them you’re on it and it won’t happen again.
Read an update to this letter.
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This makes me think of a coworker who wants to plan an office trip to Busch Gardens/rollercoaster park. In my 20s I loved rollercoasters, but getting on them in recent years has had setbacks due to my anxiety overtaking the situation. I need to bring up to this coworker that if they plan this event, they make sure it's laid out early that participants have alternatives.In a park, this is probably easy, but I don't want to be in a position where I have an unintended panic attack in front of coworkers because everyone is expected to ride. Been there done that already but it wasn't fun.
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If I was in Chris' situation, I'd be upset whatever happened, and might or might not welcome sympathy and support, but having everyone else skip the zipline at that point would be very likely to make me feel worse.
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and for daring to exist while fat.And did either Chris or LW suggest having no one zipline, or was that a red herring introduced by the commentariat? *looks* Chris confirmed that they wanted us to still go without them, and I am pretty sure they would have been even more upset if none of us had gone because they couldn’t go. Yeah, the only people suggesting this was about having Everyone Not Do This Fun Activity were the ones suggesting Chris is too fat for decent treatment in the first place.
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In the original letter, supervisor asked: "Should I have cancelled the zip-lining tour when we were told they couldn’t come? ... Should I check in with them today? Should I just let it go?"
That question what I was responding to -- supervisor wondered what they could have done better, and I wasn't sure at the time, but with the additional information in the update, I'm not sure they could have done anything very much better on the spot.
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